34 Ë Rincewind! Rincewind, wake up.$The Archchancellor wants to see you!Fascinating...$Don't any of your pancakes get lost?%What - from here? From my frying pan?9You don't seem to realise the
gravity of your accusation!∂Twenty seven years I've been studying to be a cook's
apprentice! I've got top marks for basic flipping,
left hand and right, and batter stirring,
pan greasing, and pancake stacking.1Oh. How many did you get for Customer Relations?Two per cent! Clear off!.This is the worst kitchen I've have ever seen!&It would be worse if there were wurst.What's worst? It's a wossname - a, a sausage.Wurst sausage?2No - if you want the worst sausage, try Dibbler's.%Oh, dear. So it's to be puns, is it?8Just watch the pancakes for a while.
It's very soothing.IWell that's a fine skill to have.
Your parents must be very proud of you.*Actually I was going to become a wizard...+but they found out my parents were married..Excuse me, but could I ask you some questions?)Clear off! And no magic in the kitchen...(One more spell goes off in this place...1and I'm going to complain to the Arch chancellor.Are you always this surly?%Not always. I even know a jolly joke.Really?/Yes, what's ugly, hollow and rings like a bell?I don't know. What?Look over there!+Did you get the number of that donkey cart?$Reversing gravity is the last straw!!I've had it. I'm off to complain!BSpells, wizards, antigravity...
it's unnatural, that's what it is.*So who pays for it, I say? Me, that's who!9Up the stairs to complain, then back
down to the kitchen.,Up and down, up and down like a... like a...%Like what kids play with on a string.A kite?What? Yes, that's the one!%Up and down these stairs like a kite.(Eh? A girl! What's a girl doing in here?I'm not a girl!"Why are you, mm, wearing a dress?"It's a wizard's robe, not a dress.LI knew a girl's address once.
Splendid lass, mm,
very good at pickling eels. Pickling? Oh, how fascinating.Pickled? Who's pickled?<No one's pickled!
You started it.
I don't even like pickles."What? They were wonderful pickles!(How dare you cast, mm, aspersions on...On...5Damn, I've lost it.
What were we talking about again?Um - pickles?+What's pickled? What? Mm? What do you mean?)Well the eels were pickled, weren't they?What? Pickled elves?=Damn their ears,
I've told them to lock that liquor cupboard!Go on, boy, get after 'em! No - no! Pickles! Not pickled!8Pickles? Try the kitchen. Get out!
Stop wasting my time!So what happened?1Nothing! Nothing happened!
That's just the point.34 ("Steal? Now do I look like a thief?'My stick! They all want my magic stick!/No! No, look, I don't want your wretched stick!ISo it's the pickles you're after then, is it?
You devilish young trouser!*Well I'm onto you now, you young bookcase!<Now look - This is not the problem
that I wanted to address! (Well, I once knew a girl too, of course.#Off course? Why are you off course?UYoung fellow like you, you ought to be
out and about, exploring a world of adventure. Wine, women and, mm, pickles...Look, I am out and about.RWell you can't be too good at it if
you're already off course, young air freshner!YLook, no one's off course! I just used the
phrase as a pleasantry - a manner of address .?Look, I just want to find somebody
who can talk a little sense!Scents? Perfumes?"I'll not have it! No sir, I won't!=Dallying with womenfolk on the
premises is against the rules!5You young bathrobe, I'll have you defrocked for this!(Look - I haven't done a thing! Honestly![What - well how can you be a man-of-the-world if
you never sample the finer things in life? Women! Wizard's staves. Pickles!4Well if I go and do that, you said you'd defrock me! It won't do! It just won't do!HYoung tweezers like you coming in here, mm,
and taking off their frocks!HI won't stand for it. This city is getting
into, mm, a fine old pickle.4Oh, please don't get started on the pickles again...LPickles? Don't eat pickles if
you're wearing a dress - you'll stain the hem. Why are you wearing a dress?Good day, sirs.OIs it? Hah! So you say, what with the
bottom falling out of the tapioca market.+He's off again. Pass the dried frog pills.SLaugh away, you old bivalve!
It's all this dragon business, that's what's doing it..Dragons? Dragons in the town? A likely story! Pah! Swamp dragons, he means!;No - a real dragon, not one of
those little marsh tiddlers.!Poppycock. There's no such thing.rDragons only exist if you believe in them.
I don't believe in them, they don't believe in me.
So we're both happy!<Look - does anyone know why this
luggage keeps following me?fAh! That's sapient pearwood, that luggage is!
There's no getting rid of it.
It'll follow you anywhere!Sapient pearwood?5They once used it to make containers for grave goods. Why is the librarian a monkey?Oog...+Did you get the number of that donkey cart?.He's not a... one of them, he's an orangy-tan.But it's the same thing! No no no!0Your actual orangy-tan is one of the great apes.4An arboreal denizen of the sub-tropical rain forest.TIf you ever want to go far in life, you must learn the
value of proper nomenclature.Nomenclature?IBut what's the difference between calling him
an orangy-tan or a monkey!;\In general terms, the difference is whether you
keep your teeth in your head or in your hat.}But how did it happen? I mean, should we
really let arboreal sub-tropical fauna be the
guardians of a major national library?&Oh, well he was human once, of course.What - Really?FAll part of a magical accident.
Very tragic, you see, but there it is.GVery embarrassing, seeing him scratch himself
in the reference section./Doesn't he want to be turned back into a human?Nope.oHa! Says he likes the long arms, the prehensile toes
and the right to scratch himself
in the reference section.PI say he just likes running around loose
not wearin' trousers. I mean, I would.3Excuse me - where might I go to find the Patrician?34 %,Well...1Don't be an idiot, boy! Just look for the palace!3Is he approachable? Can you actually speak to him?*Oh, yes. But he's a mean man with a word.+Another busy day in the faculty, gentlemen?We are cogitating.II hope I heard that right, said in
a knowing tone of voice, nudge, nudge.cCogitating, my lad, is that process by which the wise
make space inside their minds for more ideas.VYou make more space for ideas by sitting on your
backsides sipping a cup of milky tea?Hit him! Hit him!9My boy, ideas are normally sold by volume,
not by weight.BIt's best to let them settle
so you can find more room in the top. We have wisdom, and you do not.2For instance - this is the action of a clever man6What's so clever about writing down the word 'monkey'? Wisdom, my lad, is never cheap.6Well I didn't know you were selling it by the pound...+Does this place always have to be this way? What way?Well, this way!ïIt's chaos, it's - it's undisciplined.
It's as if I'm thrashing about in
a sea of questions - like I'm screaming
out against soul-destroying winds... Isn't that a mixed metaphor?mI mean, there are times when I dream about
just shaking this place by the neck
until it starts talking sense!I have one like that, too!What - really?Yes!üIn one magic moment, I stride like an intellectual
giant across the rooftops of the world,
slicing through the Gordian wossname
of fuzzy thinking for all time!w... and then I have this other terrific dream
that I'm being smothered in fruit yoghurt
and sucked up inside a whale...CThankfully that's not my problem.
So far, anyway. We can but hope.%Look - you're the Bursar, aren't you?[That's right. I do the finances - books and things.
And I'm quite totally insane, you know.But that's just accounting!\Surely to hold a major position in a Wizard's
university, you must be able to perform magic!.After all, that's what the place is all about.[Magic is all very well, young sink disposal unit,
but mathematics is the more powerful art. Oh, come on!}You don't believe me? Very well,
Mister so-called Scented Furniture Polish!
Care to watch while I make your grant disappear?So you're the - ah... The Bursar.Oh thank heavens.6I'd hate to have forgotten the name of someone useful.So you're the Bursar. What does a Bursar do, exactly?uWell it's a very important job.
Accounts, expenditure, occasional bouts of
irrationality, the assessment of grants...1Well it sounds a bit... well, boring, doesn't it?3That's the job's main attraction, my surgical sock!These tenures are for life!~So since wizards are naturally extremely long lived,
that means the only way to get promoted is to
assassinate your superiors.ÅThey've been popping off like mayflies around here
some seasons. Sometimes we've got... wait for it...
more wasards that wizards.EThey're in no danger from me.
I never really thought about promotion.$Was-ards, you see, haha... oh, well.oMy post is safe, though. Who wants to claw their way up
to the top only to become an accountant in a silly hat!`Mark my words, folding trouser press.
Survival is all a matter of
identifying your proper niche.JPreferably a niche well removed from
anything anyone else finds desirable.LIs this all you do all day? Just sit and
make a public nuisance of yourself?I'm reserving my powers. What powers?'Well for a start, I can read your mind.Really? What do you see? Not much.&You must have the "big print" version.`So you're all faculty heads - the giants of wizardry.
This is it - this is as good as life gets?Contemplating promotion?)No, I'm contemplating a change of career. 34 2ÑäSo look, as an aged wizard - I mean, as someone
who's climbed to the very depths - is there
any advice you feel you might like to pass on?3Ah yes! Well, young feller-me-wallpaper! Well.....KI'd say that of all lessons in life, always
learn to expect the unexpected.Um.....-But if I expect it, then it isn't unexpected.Eh?HWell, by definition, it can't be un-expected if
it actually is expected.Quite right, my boy.Well spotted.PIn which case, my advice to you is to always
expect the expected. Is that clear? I expect so./Listen - one thing I've always meant to ask....;These - these dresses we wear.
Are they strictly necessary?Eh?/The robes, lad, are symbolic of our dedication.MYou see, this is not so much a calling, a profession,
as a condition of mind.6By wearing long robes, we imply a somnambulistic stated- an attitude in which we walk dreamily through this
world with our minds occupied by higher things.Higher. Like, say, as high as this hat?Well the hat, too!)Its height implies loftiness of thoughts!JOr it might imply that we should have let
our mothers keep on dressing us.GWhat's more, it keeps young
whipper snappers like you from running off!Hey?dWould you want to walk the streets looking like
a refugee from a somewhat suspicious pencil factory? Point taken. Hello...JWhat? What are you doing just standing there?
Go out and kill that dragon!2Him? Him kill dragons?
Hah! Don't make me wheeze!QIn my day we had heroes to deal with dragons!
Big fella's with swollen pectorals.lHeroes aren't so important.
I still reckon this youngster over here
could kill a dragon if he really had to!1Him? Ha! It'd have to be a million to one chance!"What can you tell me about heroes?\Heroes? Ha! Well I can tell a hero a mile off.
They've always got a magical talisman on 'em! It's like when you go to a fair.What? And win it?oNo! Not a fair...f...f...fate!
That's it! You aren't fated to be a hero
unless you can find a magical talisman.#Aaaah, if it isn't young Breakwind!Rincewind, sir.SRincewind. Quite. Come in. We need to talk.
That is, I need to talk and you listen.lNo doubt you've been hearing
all sorts of rumours about this Dragon
that supposedly is terrorising the town. D-D-Dragon?1As in the classic fire breathing, city toasting--UShut up. Yes, pretty much. Scaly, vain, likes shiny
objects - that species of kidney.xAnd what we need to do is to ensure that the
Unseen University is properly represented in
the attempts to dispose of it.vIf some yokel simply slays the wretched thing
without our help the people will begin to ask
just what wizards are for!%Actually sir, what are wizards for--?&Wizards are firmly behind big dinners.MAnd if you want to keep on eating yours,
you'll go and see about this dragon!+Surely sir, dragons don't logically exist--gShut up. Dragons exist if you believe in them!
And the average man in the street
does believe in them.Do you follow me? Not really--JShut up. Not interested in excuses.
Too much sloppy thinking around here.dRun down to the library and fetch me a copy of
Featherwinkle's Concise Compendium of Dragon's Lairs.COnce we read that, we'll know how to track
the scaly blighter down.:You still here? Standing around
like something unhygenic?
Do it now! Excellent! Good lad, Breakwind!Rincewind, sir.]Aha! We now have the formula to construct
Recoglimento's Neverfailing Dragon's Lair Revealer.You mean like a rat, sir? 34 <p0Really? Could be. That'd be easier, certainly.yYou got a firm grasp of facts. I like that in a wizard.
Go forth and fetch the elements we need
to construct this device.wI'll see that your performance is brought to the
attention of the university board when we
review your grant next year.5Sir, have I ever told you of my ambition to be a yak?8It can be arranged, Rincewind.
Just ask the librarian...Now get a move on!*We need a staff of tumultuous thermaturgy,Oh. Is that all?IWell, er... a sample of breath from the subject
in question is necessaryDragon's breath! Yes, any problems with that? No. Good.(Well don't just stand there! Off you go!There's work to be done.No time for idle chatter. Well, sorry.BThat's good. But off with you,
there's still more work to be done. Excellent! Well done, that man!îNow that you've finished all the tedious work,
all we need is a truly heroic wizard to actually trace
the lair and take all of the gol... er, glory.lAlright Breakwind, you may go.
And try to do something useful around here.
No more big dinners for slackers.Right.BWell I'll just... just slink off
down this corridor then, shall I?Yes, good day Rincewater!>And you'll - uh - you'll handle the gold
- I mean, the dragon.3You'll just... you'll just take care of everything.Yes, yes, quite right!*Perhaps I should volunteer to assist, sir?HHaving had hands-on experience in
your actual dragon locating equipment.[Don't be ridiculous, man.
We need someone of character and virility,
of strength and guile.;Uh... What has 100 eyes, drinks blood
and is bright purple?$Good grief, boy - How should I know?-Well there's one right there behind you, sir.!I hope that's not a valuable rug!=Hi! Do you mind if I monkey-about
in the library for a while?Hey! Whose monkey is this? Um... Hello?Oook!)Egad! You're not in charge here, are you?Ook ook ook ook!
Oh, I see.%Well that explains the filing system.CLook, I don't know if you're quite
the person that I want to see...Ook?(Yes - well it's hard to explain, really.Ook-ook ook ook? Um - yes...Uh - Oook eek oo oo ook?Eek ook ook ook ook ook!Oook ook ook? Ook! Ook!?Well this is wonderful!
I never knew that I could speak monkey!*May I take a book from the library please?Oook ook
Excuse me?Ook ook ook eek!5I see - I need something in order to take out a book.Oook ook Toothpaste?Fingers... gloves...Something in your hand?OOK!SA dentist? Halitosis? You want some mouthwash!
That's it - you want some mouthwash!&I'm sorry, but I'm already spoken for.OOOOOOK! 34 E(Oh, a library card!-Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place?BWhat happens if I just barge in
without giving you a library card?5Yes, - now look, unfortunately I don't have one, ape!Ook?/...ape-on, upon my person! Yes, upon my person!Phew - I didn't say Monkey!nExcuse me, my dear sir.
Could you get me a tome called
"Featherwinkle's Concise Compendium of Dragon's Lairs"?Ook ook ook ook ook.I see.Ooook ook ook ook eek. Ook.Yes, yes I suppose so.Oook ook ook ook ook.Hmmmm. Quite...6Look - is there someone else here that I can speak to?Oook?,Well, you know - someone who isn't a monkey.
Oook? Ook?'No I'll come back and get a book later. Ook ook ook?@Yes, I've gibbon up...
No! Not gibbon - monkey.
Ape! Oh damn...!ZExcuse me, do you have the book
"Recoglimento's Neverfailing Guide to
Dragon Summonation"? Stolen! But that's... that's...OOK!Exactly!<Hey there, old mollusc -
what can you tell me about L space?Ook oo oo oook.Hmmmm - yes, yes, I see...Ook ook ook ook.Yes - yes....Ook ook ook ook!!Ahhhh. Uh-huh. Ah, yes, I see...Ook ook! Ook ook ook OOK!∑Hmmm. So what you're saying is that L space
is a means of time travel available only to librarians
which is essentially too complex a subject
to convey with hand gestures and grunts?Ook ook ook ook ook!Ah yes - I thought so.aBut look - if I did have to go into L-space -
say to go back to another time, you could help me?Hmmmm...+Look - haven't you got a comb or something?Ook?qWell, I mean, if you are going to insist on
running a major library, you should try to
smarten yourself up a bit. You know - ape your betters.OOK!\No, you can't catch me out there.
I was too smart for you that time.
I said ape, not monkey!
Oh, blast! Lovely weather we're having!Ooo?CWell it could be worse,
it could be raining cats and... cats and...Ook?2Oh gods - I've forgotten the word now. Cats and... Cats and...OOK!'Don't rush me! Cats and... cats and...Ook?Dogs! That's it, dogs!\You know, I bet you thought I was never going to
make it through that without saying monkey.Ook ook oo ook ook! What's that?OOK!.Oh. I have to say the secret librarian's oath?Ook ook ook ook ook.Ook ook ook ook ook...Ook ook ook ook ookOok ook ook ook ook...34 OPOoooo-oooo-OOK!Ooooo-oooo-OOK!Oh - is that all?7What happens if I ever reveal
the words to an outsider?Eeek!Oh.Oh yeah - I see.YActually, I never even knew you could do that with
an entire sixteen-volume encyclopedia.Ook.Worse things happen at sea?On some ships, I suppose...Pssst! Hey buddy!Who me?VHave you ever thought of the advantages of owning
land on the Frammenwanger peninsula?Isn't that all underwater?"That's just its advantage, friend! You are an extremely silly man.%Hey, I'm not the one wearing a dress.AGosh yes! Let me take advantage of this
once in a lifetime offer!What - really?_No. Only kidding.
I just wanted to be as pleasant
as possible as a sort of aid to conversation.DAh but that's cruel!
It's building up my hopes only to dash me down.5You know, being a confidence trickster is a hard job!!Well, perhaps you need a holiday?TYeah, right, but where to, mate?
Where to? Not a lot of peace
at resorts these days.4I hear the Frammenwanger peninsular is fairly quiet. What's that under your coat?'Hourglasses? Care to buy an hour glass? Where did you get all of those?(Fell off the back of a donkey cart, sir!%What's that banana doing in your ear?.Now that's my special ticket into the library.aIt can get you into the shelves - it can get you any
special service from the librarian you want. Yes, but why is it in your ear?•The mystic nature of the universe is not to be
discussed idly. Let us say that with our thoughts we
make the world, and that reality is only
as we perceive it to be.Like Dragons?Mmmmm - could be!"So why is that banana in your ear? What banana?<Look - I've had enough of this!
How much do you want for it? For what?For the banana!>It's not for sale!
Not for all the gold in the kingdom, buddy!What, really?KNo not really. Bring me all the gold in
the kingdom and the banana's yours.*Why don't your lips synch with your words?mL-space. The library is a nexus of L-space.
Within these shelves all possible
pasts and futures can be found.Here you are then!What?=You mean this - this is actually
all the gold in the kingdom?HYeah. Well, technically we're a democracy,
you know. One man one vote. Oh, fine...7It's just that I never really thought you'd actually...Oh never mind.CIs it all right? I mean, you haven't
changed your mind or anything?Mmm? Oh no. No...Can I have my banana then?Errrrr?Oh, sure. Here.Ah - right - yes - right.Right you are then._I'll just - just go off with
all the gold in the dictatorially democratic
regime then, shall I?+Yes, indeed, haha! Die horribly somewhere!How do you open the gate? 34 YpI use the secret spell.'All right then. How do I open the gate?BCan't tell you. You're supposed to go
and see the Arch chancellor. Oh go on - just open the gate!$It's more than my job's worth, mate!JThey've changed the wossnames - the hand wriggles.
It's a whole new spell.So show me the new spell! Can't. The spell's a secret.9Look - the Librarian said I was to
have the new password.0He what? That's infringement of rights, that is!=Too right! Go and tell him not to
monkey about with your job!+Did you get the number of that donkey cart?The hand-wriggles, please.Yeah. Yeah, right.%Look - you just wiggle 'em like this.
Like this?&Yeah almost... Now try it like that...Right you are son.:Now if you'll excuse me,
I think I'd like a nice lie down.6But what about the gate?
Aren't you going to guard it?Oh who gives a monkey's!Nice weather!äSince classes in wind whistling, rain making and
lightning throwing are all scheduled for today,
I think that's being a wee bit premature. What's that you're eating then?DPrunes. Just a little nourishment to tide
me through till lunchtime.Can I have one before I go?6Having one before you go is the whole point of prunes.TSo this is it. You just - just stand here all day,
getting a wage for eating prunes?4Certainly. Someone's got to do it.
It's a plum job.
Greetings!;'ello! Are you a..er, begins with
a T...ah...trouble-maker?No. No - why do you ask?Oh. I bored, see.It too quiet.You're paid for this?Yeah.What - at random?6Oh, I don't use no complicated stuff like 'at random'.Sounds like a better idea.#Saves wear 'n tear on der knuckles.Well it's quite a jump.3Sorry! When you say dat, I t'ought you say "thump".+Did you get the number of that donkey cart? Didn't hit you too hard, did I?Yes, thank you, mother..."I'm fine. It's just a little lump.6Sorry! Sorry - dere I go again, a creature of impulse.)You look a bit seedy - are you all right?I... I don't feel so good.*I think I'm going into a bit of a slump...(Sorry! Sorry, where can I put my face...6Yes... Um - excuse me,
I think I hear someone calling. Busy night?No, not particularly. Why?Just wondering.'Oi! Those are complimentary, those are!So why can't I take one?9Well you 'ave to compliment the bar
on its drinks, first.$But I haven't had anything to drink!'That's all right - what are you having?What is there to drink?§Well it's all a matter of suiting the clientele,
friend. What do you think the sort of person who
frequently frequents this bar would like
to have for his drinkies?What'll it be?/Hmmm - is this one of those tough, brutal bars?34 dPYeah!?Not through actual planning, mind.
It just sort of develops....cThen I'll have the usual.
A glass of gin served at room
temperature with a human hair in it please.7Aaaaaaah - I've just checked, and we're all out of gin.Hmmmm - Whiskey? Mmmmm - no.'Rice wine, Pernod, Absinthe, Scumble...No.Old Bowel-Bender Stout?I think it's off, sir.LOff? How can stout go off?
It kills bacteria.
You can clean privies with it.$Well it's more sort of settled, sir.<All the black colouring's sort of
swimming round the bottom.-Same thing's happened to the elderberry wine.WWell, I say the same thing - but it's more like -
lumpy. 's probably all right, though!No thank you.1So what have you got that hasn't got lumps in it?Oooooooh - tuns of stuff! fIncident'ly, sir, don't know if you noticed that
rather impromptu pun there, rather good, I thought...+Yes, yes, very good.
So you got lots, then?Um - well no, not really.*We've just got counterwise wine, actually.=Would it be the teensiest bit
worth my while asking for some?Highly likely, sir.6Well - could I have a glass of counterwise wine, then.#Hang on sir, I'll just have a look!Hmmmmmmmmm........ Mmmmmmmm.HmmmmmYes?0Sorry sir, just increasing the dramatic tension..Just give me the drink and the box of matches!Right you are sir!/Careful with your drink. It's a wee bit strong. Strong? I didn't feel a thing!LIt's counterwise wine. It's grown from a grape
that grows backwards in time.#It effects you before you drink it.7You must have had some mother
of a hangover last night!5Funny - I don't remember anything about last night...That bad, was it?+No way! One drink per act is enough for me.)So is there anything here to drink today?jWell yes sir - it is a bar!
I mean, not much use having a bar
if there's no actual beer being served here!#Today we have beer actually on tap! That doesn't smell like beer!:That smells like Zinemoth's
Lacontile Splenetic Emollient.)Um - well it's very similar to beer, sir.PSimilar! It's one of the most deadly prescription
medicines ever devised by man!!How can it possibly be similar!?!Well, it is a liquid, sir.Well I'm not touching it.(I'll just have a glass of water, please.-What - as in water taken from the river Ankh? You're braver than I thought.Ah. I see your point.FWell, give us a Zinemoth's Lacontile
Splenetic Emollient then, please. Do you get any heroes in here?[Hate 'em! Always in here, flexing their muscles.
Strutting about in there posing pouches...Posing pouches?(Yes. God knows what they keep in them...uI can't, sir! The cellar's full of
thingies...er...what're they called...
you know... furry blighters with the tails?What - foxes?oThat's it - foxes! Hundreds of 'em,
all squeaking and eating cheese.
We've got a plague of foxes in our cellar! 34 oTHello.Hello? Hello! Well - yes.HThat's it, is it?
That's the way you greet the
greatest hero of our age?"The one, the only, the invincible! You what?PI'm important, me! I can't just go around
answering any old greeting, you know!+Well how would you prefer I greet you then?.Well, shovin' a pint in me hand would be nice!XI'm Fleabart the Incredible!
Greatest thief in the multiverse.
I've survived everything!8I fought the ant god of quax,
and he doesn't even exist! I don't believe a word of this.7Ha! Ha! You dare to doubt the greatest hero of our age?*I'm known all up and down the river, I am!
The river!Yeah.The river Ankh? Isn't that a little dangerous?7You have to watch out for all the goiters and the yaws.Yaws? What's yaws? Mine's another pint, thanks!1Then there was the time I... blah boast blah blah2Gosh. I really wish you'd tell me all about it....Really?#No! That was irony! Now push off!7Excuse me - I just have to nip out the back to be sick."Hmmm - about those Amazon women...^Blah-blah blah blah blah succulent blah blah blah
rounded blah blah blah blah blah meringue...And then we had some tea.$Tell me about this temple of Offler?IWell I would tell you, son -
only I have to get through all these chores.Chores? What chores? Mine's another pint, thanks! Now tell me about this temple.@The temple of Offler?
Don't listen to what all those others say.jI've been there, and I tell you it's atop the highest
mountain in the most inaccessible land you ever saw.+It's supposed to be here in this very city!Sez who?eSays the Observers guide to places of worship,
sacrificial groves and standing stones, third edition!Are you calling me a liar?"The thought never entered my mind./Good! Aaaaah, I remember the temple of Ossifer!Offler. What? Oh yeah, that's the one!îWhy any lesser man would have been slaughtered by the
ice weasels even before the three-headed troll blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...So where is it?1Deep in a swamp - no, a cave!
That's it - a cave!*You don't know where it is at all, do you?Of course I do!It's&- in a tunnel below unseen university!0- dug down in a tunnel underneath the Ankh river,- hidden in a hollow log somewhere - honest!'Tell me, what do you need to be a hero??A weapon. You can't be a hero unless
you've got a magic weapon.Everybody knows that!So what do you use?Eh?What's yours? Mine's another pint, thanks!cEgad! Look. A picture of the gold cup winning rooster
at the Klatchian animal crooning competition.rMay I draw your attention to the picture
of the award winning pig from the Ankh-Morpork
pork butcher's guild ball?ƒYes that certainly is something, but what about that
picture of the special merit medallion winning
cockatrice from the wildlife preservation society's
award ceremony for recently extinct species! 34 xËjNone, however, can quite to my mind match the
magnificence of that blue ribbon winning
sheep from the er..Right, drink up!$Ha! So, you fell for my little trap!Why? What have you done?What have I done? I...ERK!<The-the pancakes - I stole the pancakes.
An' the prunes. An-"an... An the tooth, with the gold! TI had the lil' guy beaten up!
He wuz just lying there,
crying his little eyes out... *I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me!Ha! Got you at last. Got me how?)But-but - there's nothing I can tell you.It's - it's all lies!PI-I'm a weasel! Nothing but a weasel!
A snivelling, no-good, lying little wea...Yes, now look...?...sel. Jus' long an' brown,
an' lying... with words an' stuff.2Now look you - tell me about the temple of Offler!6S' in the jungle, over a gorge.
Any map will show you.2Fortunately, I don't have to talk to him any more.AHey you! What do you think this is,
a bar of low decor standards?"No! Go away! No ghosts! No ghosts!Relax son, I'm a wizard.Let me buy you a drink..So what's all this about ghosts then, old son?ÉIn my room! A vile creature from the nethermost depths.
It took my gate pass and then it just left.
I'll never forget the horror...
Gate pass!!Uh - you said you'll never forgetI- as in, you could give me a detailed account,
blow by blow, so to speak?Well - yes...BJust for the record, so to speak.
Mind If I take all of this down?(Shouldn't I lie on a couch or something?
Feel free.Will it improve matters?No. Tell me about this gate pass.
Gate pass?Sorry, did I say gate pass?Tell me about this ghost.zIt was horrible! There it stood,
all swirling and all spectral. A veritable vision
straight out of the dungeon dimensions.WIt burst straight out of the doorway!
I gotta weak heart, I have!
I fainted clean away!WAh - fainted without seeing anything. Like, the
activities of this ghost, for instance? No, nothing.7Well, I saw nothing
except it reach below my jewel box,*But apart from that, you remember nothing.That's right!%When I came-to my city pass was gone.>Tell me about this hammer thing.
Did your ghost have a hammer?Yes! So he did.#And what exactly did he do with it? He cracked open the jewelry box.Cracked it open?Of all the... Why?(Well my gate pass was inside, wasn't it? Ah - and you gentlemen are...?V'e Hublanders are being.Ja - Hublanders.You maybe want fight?What? No, no I don't want a fight!-Not with anyone who oils his nipples, anyway!Why do you ask? 34 Ñ$Is very dull city. Ve von't be back.UJa, is too quiet. Last night, we kill a little here
and a little there. Just indoors.,I think maybe you kill twice in street, too.gJa, I kill someone in street - only not much - then we
get bored and go out looking for a proper fight.You vant fight?3No, we have in fact been over this material before.3Maybe we get fight here later when crowd get drunk.YJa, you want us, just turn your glass over.
We pulverise your skull und squish your guts.)Yes, look, I'll just make a note of that.IExcuse me, I think I have an astonishingly
urgent need to be elsewhere...;Ah - you'll be this bar's
We here to squish some guts.&Maybe we squish your guts if you vant.Just a little!Just for fun. Ho. Ho.You want fight? Ah - no no, no need to trouble.VI think maybe ve kill him a little bit,
then drink some beer und finish him off later.!Later is no good. Want fight now!_If we ask him nice, maybe he put glass upside down
on bar, und ask for his guts to be squished?+You vant maybe to have us squish your guts?:No no - actually, I'm pretty much
booked up at the moment.2Still, we'll see what we can do for you later, OK?%What are you two lummoxes doing here?Get out of my way! I t'ink maybe he talk to us?Ja, to us he speak.V'at we do vit him?hI say we take him, we crush him between our biceps,
und we squish out his brains like icing from a toob.9This one is no good for a fight, maybe.
He wears a dress.2Just hurt him a little.
We get proper fight later.
Excuse me!Ow!Ow! What was that for?+Sorry. I tink maybe you say 'I want fight'.Well I bloody well didn't!HThat's the trouble with you people - you always
think might makes right. Ooooh sorry! Ve tink you say 'fight' again.;Yes - yes. This is getting to be fairly typical,
thank you."I'll just go and stand over there.:Don't choke horribly to death
on your beers or anything...\Go away! I've had enough.
I've just been beaten to a pulp
without so much as an explanation!&You keep your distance or I'll scream!3God bless ya pal!
My mate - my ol'... ol' wossname.%You an' me against the world, pallie!Yaaah! Wugga wugga!AOh no, it's bursting open.
Your face - your face of molten gold - YAAAAAAHHHH! Keep out! Wizards mean trouble!Mercy!Stop - We're friends! I stop fights! That's wot I do!But there isn't a fight!Wot do you call dis then?4Well it wasn't a fight until you started hitting me!/Ah! So now dere's a fight, and I can finish it!DBut I'm not resisting!
This isn't a fight - it's just victimisation!EHow does this fit into your job description?
Pre-emptive retaliation?Eh?7This is wrong!
You can't just hit people for no reason!ZLook - in the future, you should only thump people
that actually seem to be asking for it.&Hey! You might 'ave a good idea there! 34 ç@ Hey you! That's not allowed!$Oh! Is this... um... a normal crowd?Well, yes, I suppose so.Why? Everyone looks so... so healthy. It's the beer. Gives you body.Barkeep! A drink!What'll it be?Mine's a sarsaparilla!WHAT?!Um - oh hell! I-I meant B... B... Britley's Extremely Peculiar?Yes, that's the one!?The vilest, most agonising beer ever created
by the human mind?Um...,A beer no sane man would ever attempt to try^- a beer so deadly that rabid dogs would rather tear
their own heads off rather than drink it?4Oh, hell - look, can't I just have a glass of water?!What - water from the Ankh River?Ah. Yes.I'm impressed.Oh! Hello again.Again?What do you mean 'again'?#Oh - that's right. Sorry, I forgot.Eh?$Look - do you have any matches here?No. We've just run out.)That reminds me - I must order some more.@I'm Fleabart the Incredible!
Greatest thief in the multiverse... What really.&And I have braved the temple of the..."Shut up! I've heard it all before!What - Really? Yes - that and the Amazon women.Amazon women?_Yes, the one where you blah-blah blah
blah blah succulent blah blah blah
rounded blah blah blahAnd then you had some tea.:Um... Yeah. Sure. I remember that one.
Some adventure, eh! Who are you? What do you want?Nothing!/Look, I've just come in here for a quiet drink./Just stay away from me, or there'll be trouble!Trouble.$Oooh, this is it - trouble's coming! Such as...?MOooh, terrible, awful, painful trouble. I'm the
toughest bar fighter in town!Really?7Yeah, so just don't try anything!
I could... I could...Hmmm?CChinese burns can infect, you know!
You could be crippled for life!MLook - my name is Rincewind.
I'm just a wizard - I'm not here to beat you up!Oh!/Oh - Well I'm Horton Shortly, barbarian at law. You look like an accountant.yNo I'm not! I'm a horrendously psychotic adventurer,
and not the type of weedy little guy
who gets pushed around in bars!mDon't assume that just because
I'm frightened of the noise of cornflakes
that I might not be a cereal killer!8Yes, yes, I'm sure you're not,
but I really must go now.WWhat a lovely picture of the top three placed cats in
the annual Ankh-Morpork cat show?Why so it is!+Did you get the number of that donkey cart?0Lookie - look, its a wossname with a pointy top! A pencil?FYeah, a pencil dressed up like a wizard!
Now thash progress for you...34 ñ( HELLO AGAINSo how did we do?<WELL HE PUT UP QUITE A FIGHT,
BUT I THINK I FINALLY GOT HIM.A terrible fight?WELL YES. QUITE FEROCIOUS.Ferocious how?lHow does a half-starved rodent of the order
Mus Domesticus manage to almost
overpower a full grown Bogeyman?HE SQUEAKED AT ME. Squeaked?Just squeaked? WELL IT WAS THE WAY HE SQUEAKED.7PUTS THE WIND UP YOU, YOU KNOW.
MOUSE BITES CAN INFECT!8I READ IT SOMEWHERE.
SOME FELLOW'S ARM ROTTED CLEAN OFF.;You can't be infected, you're a
legendary figure of terror.%STILL - BEST NOT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES. Yeah, right.7YOU DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO COME ROUND AGAIN, DO YOU? +Did you get the number of that donkey cart?Oh go on - please?
Clear off!So anyway - how's the wife?Oh not so bad. 'Ow's yours?\Doing well, doing well. We thought we might
invite you two around for dinner tomorrow night.Leaf mould!?!-Sorry, did I say leaf mould? I meant caramel.PAnyway, there'll be lashings of everything.
You know my wife. She likes to cook. Yeah, but - is this a good idea?&I thought she was watching her weight. Why should she watch her weight?Well, you know...6After last time, when she accidentally ate that camel.6She's not overweight, she's just... she's just cuddly.-Yeah. Cuddly. Very, very cuddly. With humps. So -uh - how's your wife, then.$Did she get that thing off her face?Thing? What thing?The hairy thing. That's a beauty spot, that is!Oh. Oh, I see...=Bit long for a beauty spot, isn't it though?
I mean, in area?9Look, moustaches are supposed to be
a sign of sensuality!What - on women?%Listen, are you calling my wife ugly?No!-Good. I'd have been ever so cross if you did.Is she really so fat, then?What?AWell your friend was saying how fat your wife is,
so I thought...Oh he did, did he?Lies, I never! lI don't think you should pay him any attention.
That's love, that is - putting up with an
old bag of a wife!What?SWell your friend here was saying how massively
unattractive you wife actually is...INo! Just mostly unattractive.
I'm sure she's actually got inner beauty...Help!Look - this is important!.I demand that you two idiots let me go inside!.Now that's what I call a guarded conversation.(Look - could you just let me in, please?
Clear off!,Greetings! I am the mighty Wizard Rincewind! 34 ûA wizard? A real wizard?"Er, yes! And don't you forget it! Not impressed. You can't go in.&So which one of you has the ugly wife?+We're not falling for that again, you know.5Yeah, our friendship is based on deep mutual respect.Really?Well, up to a point.Are you going to let me in?NO!:Look - haven't you two got anything
you'd rather be doing?GWell yeah. I suppose I could go home
and arrange some flowers and that.,I could go see that psychiatrickerist bloke.'What do you want to go and see him for?qDunno. I told the Captain I thought my wife
was beautiful, and he gave me a chit
to go see the psychiatrickerist.Could I just ask...GO AWAY!Just one thing...Hmmmmm? Oh, nothing.
No - what?What were you going to say?7Well, it's this picture -
what do you boys think of it?Ah! Very original that! It's a dog's bum with a hat on.!Nah, mate - look, it's your wife!My wife is not ugly!-Well I suppose neither of you wants to see...That's right!No, wait a minute! See what??Well I just wondered what you gentlemen
might make out of this.It's a chocolate blamange.,No... No - it's hauntingly familiar, though!Not a hippo, is it?Hmmmmm? No, not a hippo. A lard pudding?Suet?I know - it's your wife!My wife is not fat!<Clear off, you!
Everytime you come around you start trouble!Who, me?3Yeah, so just stay over there where we can see you.Look...We're not listening! I was just wondering...What is it now?Don't listen!^Well, it's about this leech-o-suction thing.
Are you going to pay the balance you owe or what?What leech-o-suction?$Our patented new fat removal system!gYour friend here put a down payment on a treatment for
your wife, and we need to collect the balance...You backstabbin' little...8Don't listen!
It's a lie, just like all the other times!Yeah....Yeah, you're right.Thanks pal. No offence?No no - none taken.Oh good.,So do you want this leech-o-suction or what?TClearly I am dealing with inferior intellects,
went out to dinner with your wife.2I never! Don't listen to him - it's a soddin' lie!aIt isn't! He said he wanted it to put over his head,
so he wouldn't have to see your wife's face! Why you ...!;It's a lie! A lie!
He's just trying to cause trouble again!What?Oh yeah. Yeah of course. Thanks pal.You're welcome, mate.EAfter all we've been through together,
it's silly how we can still...PYeah. I know. Still - thick and thin together, eh?
You and me against the world!6`s what friends are for, mate.
What friends are for... So do you want the bag, then?Yeah, alright.4So... I hope you have come here on pleasant businessUm... Yes, well...`Non-disruptive business. Reliable, solid business,
rather than mere disruptive rumour mongering.Would I be right? Serious business. Well... yes.Really?/Ah - well it's all pretty grim stuff, actually.MYou see, I've come to get some action happening
about this dragon business...WHAT?Well - that-that is...Now listen to me.Um...ØNo ifs, buts or maybes.
I've had enough. The next person who mentions dragons
in my presence will be off for a trip to the
Information Gathering Technicians extremely quickly.Well I just thoughtUh-uh!Oh.Right you are then./Rumour mongering, solid business. Um - maybe...0Well, are you or aren't you - make up your mind!:So you wouldn't consider anything dragonie
at all to be...Valid...Valid conversation. Mmmmm - in a nutshell, I think. Yes - yes, I see your point.,Um. If, however, just for argument's sake... Argument?öWell, I say argument - more a suppositionary
discussion, really - but if something, say, vaguely reptilian
were actually to creep into the conversation...Yes...?{And, the weather being seasonal, a flame
or even fire-breathing theme were to, as it were,
intrude across into the subject?$Mmmmmm - Yes, yes, I see your point.7Hmmm - well you see where that begins to lead us, then.Quite, quite...Yes, quite right.JWell, I think this sort of information deserves
a very thorough treatment.Ah! Exactly so!•Perhaps the dungeon's Information Retrieval Technicians
might be willing to offer their services in such a
case - refresh your memory of details,
that sort of thing.)Ah - 'Information Retrieval Technicians.'Yes, they're the ones.[The ones with racks and windlasses and -
and that long sort of bent thing that they poke...3Ah. Now you're with me.
All supposition, of course.Yes! Yes - as you say.YIn any case, was there anything you wished to
broach with me at all? Taxes, law reforms.
Dragons...!Dragon? Goodness no, what dragon?Exactly.@We'll let it rest there then, shall we?
Don't let me detain you.#Yes - no need to stretch the point.@Have you any idea how difficult it is
to get through to see you?CNot really. Funnily enough,
I've never had cause to do it, you see. 34 ≤úCWell, I think it's appalling!
Whatever happened to open government?[Well... since you put it like that,
the last ruler who tried it ended up... extremely open.GI still find it odd that a genuine wizard
can hardly get in to see you!7I mean, what if there's signs or portents or something?4You're blocking traditional seers' routes of egress!FWell I always look upon inaccessibility as being
a measure of the man.&Supply and demand, that sort of thing.Still, now you're here...At last.CQuite. Well now you're here,
we should extend you some hospitality.BA little refreshment - maybe even
a quick whizz around the palace..A walk along the highly dangerous battlements?)Or a brief tour of the dungeons, perhaps.Ah.... No no no - you're a busy man!Exactly.Hello.<Oooh, it's a visitor, isn't it Chucky!
A visitor, yes it is! Ooooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky! Gottle of geer! Gottle of geer! Mister pencil head sez 'ello!#Hello! He said hello to us, Chucky!Ooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky!6Excuse me - I think I must just have missed something.Missed it - missed it!1Very good, very good! He's good, isn't he Chucky!K'E's good, 'e's very good, 'e's very very good,
'e's very very good indeed! Oooooh! Chucky Chucky Chucky!Are you alright?-Oooh! Are we alright, Chucky? Are we alright? Gottle of geer! Gottle of geer!Whee!6I think I'm just going to lie down for a little while. Why do I always get the loons?2Loon, loons, goons, boons!
You come to ask a boon?0Look - Are you on treatment for this condition?/Treatment! Treatment! Very clever, very clever.AChucky likes treatment. Does pencil-head
want some treatment too?6Now look - why don't you and your puppet just go away. Anyway - What sort of treatment?(Wha ha ha ha ha! Chucky likes his jokes!Coo!Oh Chucky Chucky Chucky!@Look, I was wondering if I could get
some information off you...Information! Information!8Information, Chucky? About lizards - about dragons, yes?Well - yes. Alright.(Dragons! All about dragons then, nuncle?6Look - could you just keep it down a little, please...-Dragons, Chucky! Chucky doesn't like dragons!Shut up! Quiet! Now just tell me what you know.
Tell what?What about the dragon? What dragon?#The dragon that threatens the city!Ooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky!He knows about the dragon!Quiet!Dragon, Chucky, dragon! Now look...(Waaaah ha ha ha ha! Guess what I am now?Boring?No, no, guess again!34 º, A teapot?Yes! Teapot! Teapot Chucky! Oooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky!Stop it!Stop acting insane!Insane. Did you say insane? Er... yes....Chucky doesn't like it when I'm called insane.CMy mother called me insane once.
She said it right before she DIED!Ooooooh right..Excuse me, I think there's someone calling me.$Ahem - yes, what might your name be? It's secret.Eh?*I can't tell you, but Mister Flower knows!Oh - well if you like. Ahem - 'Hello, Mister Flower...'Wha ha ha ha ha ha!Wet! He's all wet! Oooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky!$Greetings, lowly and scabby peasant!>Hail, oh pointy-hatted one,
and less of the scabby, thank you.What's happening?IWe seek an audience with the Patrician,
the mighty ruler of Ankh-Morpork.What - really?uWell that's what our Agnes says.
Anyway who wants to have their family charbroiled
by a dragon? Soot's hell to shift.Yes...MWell anyway, that's what old Uncle Agnes says.
You can't go fairer than that! Uncle Agnes?Yeah, yeah - uncle.6So you'd... you'd describe him as a bit of a man then?2Hadn't really thought about it, to tell the truth.}Now you come to mention it, I suppose we should have
asked. We just married him off to one of those
guards outside the gates. Well that explains something.8Wait a minute - you're a thief! What are you doing here? Well it's about my quota, see?Quota?1The amount I'm allowed to steal. It's not enough.(Depends if you're in the twenty percent. Hello, dear!Eeek!)Tired? I give a pretty good foot massage!6Now let's remain very, very calm about this, shall we?=A quiet dinner, a relaxing evening
watching the potions brew.#Hows about just a little sing-song?5Do you know 'A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End?'TUm - mine hasn't. I can assure you.
But I'll just rush off and check, just in case.;That's my special custard making recipe book,
that is dear.?I've got some brewing back home now.
It'll work wonders on you.NEgad! I certainly won't be having any in
the company I've been keeping lately.<Hasn't anyone anything to complain about
except this dragon?BOur data management system simply
can't manage the input overflow!Data management system?6Sounds so much better than 'dungeon', don't you think?Ah.Well, if - ah - if... Unverifiable Flaming Objects.
Thank you.\If this - um - phenomena is actually causing real,
verifiable trouble. Shouldn't we just...Yes?!Well, just do something about it?Please?(It isn't as simple as all that, you see. 34 ƒ–áIf I'm putting city funding into a phenomena
removal programme, there has to be a way to
show a turn-around in profit next fiscal year.TThe only alternative to reassess our policy
on mass eating, burnings and devourings.%Convert it into a sort of city asset. No easy thing, I can tell you! Er - yes...BI mean, if only we could make a positive earning
out of the thing.#Impose a P.A.Y.E. tax or something. P.A.Y.E.?Pay as you eat.Yes.AOn the other hand - since the - uh - phenomena is
unverifiable...Quite.,Well then, it might not be happening at all.@We could all just - ignore it, and then
it must just... go away.$Stop believing in it, sort of thing.CGood lad. Keep that up and we'll have
this thing beaten in no time. Still here?yThat's the trouble with a feudal system, you see.
Queuing means very little in the face of a
stratified social structure.
Seniority?NYeah. Next time read the fine print of the social
contract, that's what I say.$I see your point. Where's the thief?4I think he went to the 'Shades'. It's a thief thing.5I have triumphed! Goodness overcomes evil once again.?The land is liberated, the serpent is gone,
the dragon is dead.%The dragon is dead. I killed him. Me!FI shall humbly submit to whatever fabulous rewards
you feel I deserve.Dragon?What?\Quite so - and since no one believes in them,
we can hardly reward you for disposing of one.Next!KHere, wait a minute! I slew a dragon!
A real, bona fide, verifiable dragon!They don't exist. Yes they do!No they don't! Yes they do!No they don't! Yes they do!No they don't! Yes they do!No they don't! Yes they do!No they don't! Yes they do!Do, do, do, do and do!No they don't!+They do! They exist if you believe in them!Ah - But no one believes in them! Yes they do!No they don't! Yes they do!No they don't!2Excuse me, thank you so very very much... they do!No they don't!They do, they do, they do!=Dragons - you know, huge, vile evil,
stenchful, slavering...AHEM... HELLO AGAIN.[Uh - when I say believe, of course, I meant... uh...
had heard rumours. Unsubstantiated...=YES... WELL NOW I'M BACK, THERE'S A
FEW MATTERS TO ATTEND TO.Ah.=Sorry about the 'slavering' thing.
A bit uncalled for really.YES.... 34 Œ,I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER.#You summoned it. You get rid of it!Well, here we go again!Hello. And you are...? Well I was the Tax Collector.GThen some git had me locked up in the stocks,
and now I've lost my job.Oh!-They dared to put me in the stocks! Peasants!4I'll get them - all of them! Laugh at me, will they?<I'll pull their allowable deductions out
with my bare hands!Uh...Hey, don't I know you?Gosh, is that the time?(I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before!6Have you ever been to the Duchess of Froomsbur's ball?No.#Well, we can't have met there then.Oh. Right you are.Hey there, big boy.What's this line in aid of??Vending permits. You need one to
sell wares in the city square.Really?<Yep! So how'd a nice boy like you
get into a mess like this?=Um... I think I might just go
stand over there for a while...The hat suits you, deary!Deary? Oh, dear...,So where have you been all of my life, love?%Not born for most of it. Oh, gods...;Nice day for selling your wares...
I, er mean your produce.]Times are not so great though. The bottom has fallen
out of the magic balm and lotion market.$Stop it, don't look at me like that.4I can't help it my love, your such a little sweetie.Ulp!(So, you finally got your vending permit.LSure did deary. Wound that old Patrician round my
little wossname, so I did.HWhat interesting and magical items do you have
for the weary adventurer?àWell, how about this magic carpet.
Low mileage, only one owner - a little old lady who
took it out once a week for a spin to the market.-More like all the frayings by the look of it.+Come on now sweetie, do you want it or not?Well, okay then.No way.>How much do you want for your Love Potion Custard
recipe book?ESorry love, I could never part with that.
It's my precious, so it is.%How's the cutest witch in town today?2Go on, now you're pulling my leg love, so you are.How could you tell?/Then again, there's no harm in hoping is there?-Go on give us a kiss love, just a little one. Erk, ulp!Ah... no thanks, I'll pass.Chucky's dirty! Chucky want bath! Want bath!9Practical criticism always speaks
more loudly than words.$Hands off, Chucky bite nasty wizard.Eeeep! 0Chucky saw a wizard!
Chucky Chucky Chucky Chuck!Quiet! Shhhhhh!Heeeelp! Aooogah! Aoo-gah!Wizard alert! Wizard alert!Shut up! Look, will you just shut up!Chucky see, Chucky scream! I thought I saw a wizard's hat! 34 ÿdQuiet! I did, I did see a wizard's hat! %...Which is why, t'is no surpriiiiise"The hedgehog couldn't be buggered!%Aaaaah Chucky - power! Power at last!#Chucky power! Chucky Chucky Chucky!(I was born for world domination, Chucky!Now they'll have to laugh!Comedy will be compulsory.=Spontaneous hilarity will be time-tabled
three times per day!$Everyone will laugh until they drop!#A Golden age, Chucky! A golden age!Chucky! Chucky! Chucky! Chucky! Chucky!-It's all very simple. Try, try to understand.ÇThe new tax is per head, or as the lawyers say,
per capita. If you don't like per capita,
I can happily arrange decapita instead.FThe same goes for you!
In a democracy, everyone gets treated the same."Are you standing for this new tax?bIt does seem a trifle harsh. How can I make progress
up the social ladder if I get it in the neck?+Yes, it's hard to get ahead without a head.(Pancake thieves! That's who's behind it!-Your actual robbers of pan fried bread goods./I'll just let you get on with it then, shall I?-It's crin-imal! That's what it is! Crin-imal!>Right you are then. I'll just stand over here
- don't mind me.Are you alright? Yes thank you mother....Ah! Yes, hello. Um - so you're a torturer then?ePlease sir - we professionals within the industry
prefer the term Information Extraction Technician'.PA little nicety, sir, that marks an otherwise
very old and dignified profession.=Always does well to take pride in
ones new line of work, sir. So you're new at the job, then?"Well more like a promotion really.CI started off as a tax collector,
and it's all the same department.Really?&Oh yeah, sir. Hey... don't I know you?No!You! You're one of them!No, No I'm not!What?SI'm not! I've never even seen you before,
even if they did throw you in the stocks.GAnd someone might have been throwing tomatoes at you,
but it wasn't me!5Oh good. I'd have been ever so cross if you had been.*Anyway - Can I help you with anything sir?6- a bit of torture on account? Something off the ears?/Uh, no thanks. Just - I'm just window shopping!"That sword's out of tune, that is!KYou want to take it to a dwarf, mate.
They know all about tuning-up swords!0Stealing all the gold in the kingdom, they said!Pardon?;All the gold in the kingdom. It was given to me,
so it was.Likely story.Hey ho!)What in Offler's name are you doing here? Slumming.Well Shall I release you?NOh no! The quota system's gone all to hell, so we're
working on something new. Pre-serving our prison time.rYou see, the average thief's prison sentence
is about two years, but only one in ten thieves
actually gets caught. 34 ‚$dTherefore if we all spend two point four months
in gaol, that clears everybody of their social debt.2It's all very logical, you see? Patrician's idea.Ah yes. I'm not surprised.$So um how's about this weather then?+Yes, I thought it was extraordinary myself.RApparently a high/low pressure system has been
moving left across the river valleyacombined with a counter clockwise humidity layer
caused by the internal combustion of tree roots.Ah... yes. Exactly.Hello? Are you alright?7Here - just look what they've got pinned onto my lapel!-Yee har hee hee har! Oh Chucky Chucky Chucky! Had enough?Not by a long stretch!Hee hee hee ho!Oooh Chucky Chucky Chucky!-Eeeee - I'm melting! Awwwww - I'm melting.... And your little dog, too...!It's a frame up!Pardon?0They can't do this to me! I'm the tax collector!That explains it, then.'This isn't funny! I can't believe this!.Maybe you should take stock of your situation?Now listen...!7Too bad. Now your reputation has gone to rack and ruin.]Still - I suppose it's torture a lesson!
Torture - get it? Not a good pun, but then, what is?+Everyone's a comedian. Except you, mister.Help!What?%You're the tax collector, aren't you? What are you doing in there?Begging without a permit!AI asked some old codger for money, and he blew
the whistle on me!+Next thing you know they've got me in here!5This is harassment in the course of duty, I tell you!Let me out of here!Pardon?0They can't do this to me! I'm the tax collector!%Ha! Has someone collared your market? Watch it!JMust be what they call a tax squeeze, innit?
Oh, how do I think them up...+Very funny! I'll remember you, pencil head!FI have a perfect...thingie,
begins with M,...you know.
I never forget! Forget what?1Faces! My business relies on my memory for faces!!They must be your stock in trade.
Is he one? One what?One of them! You know!What - with a whip?Yes - one of them. Probably - he's wearing a hat.>Well I'm not standing for it. Young man
- are you one of them?&Look, I'm not exactly sure what you...
Yes or no? Oh - all right. Um - yes, then.!Funny. He doesn't walk like one. It's hard to tell in that dress.[Ah... I think I can see how this is going...
it's a case of humorous misunderstanding. Yes?Sorry... what's that? I'm not going to fall for it.$Shouldn't think so, in that dress...iYou see? You're just taking perfectly ordinary remarks
and trying to make some kind of joke out of them.7Oh, come on. There's not much to laugh at in our job.. 34 ͻI can see that.We need a bit of fun.MThis might not be much, but it's better than being
up to your knees in blood.What are your jobs?We're heroes, mate...You? Don't make me laugh!You just said we didn't. I mean... you? Killing dragons?'We've killed dozens of 'em in our day.SAnd if you think you're a hero too, you'll want to find
the dragon - so off you go.No point wasting any time!OYou didn't see me wasting any time when I took out the
dreaded temple of OfflerLook - is he alright?Malaria.
Malaria!?!-He's got a poisoned dart sticking out of him!Just ignore him.3Probably put it there himself to attract the girls.He probably likes it there.I'm sure he doesn't! Well he'd complain if he didn't.+One of them. Well, it depends who's asking.=Who? Why it's us - the rootin'est, tootin'est,
shootin'est...Hats and whips! And gold!Inside temples.What - Missionaries?"No the other ones - nasty natives!7With spiders and snakes, ugh yuk, so you mark my words!9Look, I think you should probably all just start
again... You listen up, young fellow.0Most certainly not! I've never been one of them.!He doesn't look like one of them.1He's wearing a dress - it's the best way to tell.Eh?ZIt's all depending on destiny. I'm the kind of man that
went out and made his own destiny.What out of? Wood? Come again?$Well you carve a destiny, don't you?Could be made of ivory.#Can't get the elephants these days.7Hows about iron? Then you could forge a mighty destiny. Too heavy. It has to be wood.What?<There we are young man.
Your destiny should be made of wood.Dragon detector, sir?
Eh? What?-Can I interest you in a dragon detector, sir?3I'll only charge you cost price. A single shilling!I'm cuttin' me own throat!A dragon detector?How does it work??Easy as pie, sir! This rod has a
piece of wood tied to the end.6When you get close to a dragon, the wood turns to ash!
How close?Um...CVery well, you've caught me there, governor
- a slight design flaw!What's that smell?'It's like - like roasting loincloths...0Sausage in a bun, sir! Wholesome and nutritious.HI tell you what - I'll sell three for the price of
one - a single penny.I'm cutting me own throat!No thank you. Oh no.... 34 ˆå+Let me guess - the lovable street merchant./Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler at your service, sir!,Care to buy a dragon-breath proof vest, sir?Is it guaranteed?6It's never been destroyed by dragon's breath yet, sir!ÄNot necesarily a strong recommendation, though, is it?
I mean, it's never been engulfed by lava or
trampled by penguins, either.9There you are sir! Three guarantees for the
price of one!No thank you.>Well hows about dragon pinwheels sir?
Cloisonne pins, flags...AOr we have dragon repellant. Only one shilling
gets you a bottle.ITell you what sir, I shouldn't be doing this - I'm
cutting me own throat.SMoney-back guarantee! You get your full cash back if,
in fact, the dragon eats you.,Not today, thank you. Not tomorrow, either.Care to buy...No!"But you never even heard my pitch!I thought I'd save time.<We can go back and try it from the top
if you'd like, sir...FCare to buy a money pouch, sir? Very good nick!
Cost you one shilling.,No, I already have a money pouch, thank you.Are you sure?'Stolen! The damned thing's been stolen!@Good thing I was at hand with a replacement then,
isn't it, sir?7Wait a minute - this looks exactly like my money pouch.=You see sir? You'll hardly even know your
old pouch was gone.That's service for you.#Now look - Did you just steal this??Don't look at me, sir. I'm just a
loveable street urchin, I am.Urchin?EYeah - you know, one of them hard things
that lives on seaside rocks. The ones that end in points. That's a starfish, isn't it?=Is it? All right, sir.
I'm a loveable street starfish, then.Sounds a bit fishy to me...+I'm just keen to get you to shell out, guv.[Like a second pouch, sir - just as a reserve, so to
speak, in case the worse should 'appen?9Look - If it's not too much to ask
- how did you do that? Wot - give away a trade secret?JTell me how you do it or I'll turn your spleen into a
tank of sea monkeys.*Ah - well when you put it that way, guv...QLook, it's easy. Just practice on those old guys over
there and get your hand in.)Is it a good life, being a street urchin?Starfish, sir!3All right - what's it like being a street starfish? Well, it has its moments, sir.Such as?\Ah - well...none, really. I only do it because the
chimney sweep's guild's closed its doors.6I mean, it's not even as if I have a real social role!OAll I do is stand around providing background colour,
getting me cheeks pinched4and gathering all sorts of clandestine information.;The sort that wandering adventurers eventually
find useful."Not much of a life at all, really./Look - shouldn't you be in school or something?<Naaaah! If you do that, you get yer
head stuffed with facts!#One kid's head exploded doing that. Oh rubbish!
It's true!Really?nWell no. But there's no point being a loveable
stereotype without the appropriate superstitions,
now is there?-Don't stand there! Go and get downwind of me.*You don't act like a simple street urchin. Starfish. More like a shark, I think..0I've done me apprenticeship, sir! I got me chit! 34 Ù@Look - I challenge you to find a single bit of
clean skin on me!%So why aren't you more cheerful then?LShouldn't you be out scrumping apples or stealing
sticks from blind old men?HWell normally I would sir - It's just that I'm
a little bit off my feed.Well it's not good enough.\You may go. Just make sure you stay filthy. And I want
you to be irrepressible by lunchtime!What's that smell?It's the honeypots, sir.
Honeypots? That doesn't smell like honey!'Well - actually that's a metaphor, sir.What's a metaphor?}Well in this case, sir, it's for covering up some
unpleasant aspects of life wot don't normally
make for polite conversation.åFor instance, if I say 'here sir, may I interest your
son in an apprenticeship as a collector of honey
buckets', you might stop and listen.QWhereas if I asked you if you minded if your son
helped me with collecting cra...Yes, yes, quite...0So you're a sewerage collection man, is that it?+Well, we in the industry prefer the term...,Effluent Re-distribution Technician? Quite.<Look, all joking apart, what in Offler's name
is this thing?
That, sir?:That is your actual, patented sewerage
purification plant.(Self-powered, elastic belt propulsion...+This thing heralds in a whole new age, sir!The mind truly boggles.+So it, aaaaah - purifies sewerage, does it?That's right sir.3Meaning it takes raw sewerage and then produces...?7Well - purer sewerage, sir. The essence, as it were...I see. Jolly good.*Well, I suppose I'll just leave you to it!&Always here whenever you need me, sir!Right you are, then.%Should you really be doing this here?HHa! That's just the sort of attitude I've come to
expect from your kind!EYou'll see! One day you'll all laugh on the
other side of your faces. Look, I didn't mean anything...gNo, fine! Obviously you object to my profession.
I'm used to it sir. Wish I could say
it didn't hurt...Oooooh look - I'm sorry.PI mean, I've always looked forward to a visit from the
friendly neighbourhood...Neighbourhood...(Effluent Redistribution Technician, sir.#Effluent Redistribution Technician.`Anyway, I always left out little presents! Glass of
milk, plate of cookies, that sort of thing. You did sir?No, not really.GStill, it gave you a warm all-over glow for a
minute though, didn't it.You're right there!Thanks!Don't mention it.0Lovely. Let me guess - you are a traditional...?NSorter and remover of human effluent, sir!
I offer drainage with distinction!ÖMy school teacher said I'd never make anything of
myself in life - and just look at me now.
Got to the top by starting at the bottom!2And people certainly stand aside when you pass by. Good day!)Can I interest you in a free sample, sir?Not on your Nellie! Greetings, oh noble warrioress! Greetings, oh pointy hatted elf.Eh?jIt is I, Red Sorghum - chosen avatar of the Goddess
Mothra! I have come to Ankh-Morpork seeking adventure. You what?Are you in much demand?34 pWell yes, apparently.LUnder the terms of the geas, I'm supposed to
'suffer no insult from any man'[Which would be all right, but they insist that I wear
this get up. Standard heroine issue.JBy the way, 'geas' is an archaic word
meaning something like 'obligations'Inconvenient.It's ever so cold.ASo do many people actually just - just want to try
and marry you? Oh yes. Happens all the time.'Well, I suppose I encourage it, really.ÅI mean, it's been ten years, and a girl has to
settle down some day. They've been lining up
in the taverns ever since I got here.6I've been killing people non stop since half past ten.Ah.&So - just help me a bit with this one7- in order to get engaged to you, they have to... to...Match swords with me, yes.To the death.Yes.Sounds dangerous.NActually it's more boring than dangerous.
Well at least from my point of view.Really?|Well it's not as if Mothra, goddess of Steppeland
storms and destroyer of cardboard cities,
really has anything much to say.öI mean, there's the occasional quest aspect of things,
but more often than not it just means chopping up some
mothballs or getting her a nice rug for tea.âI suppose there is a lot of posing. And the chainmail
bikinis are nice, but it doesn't fill up a Saturday
night, if you know what I mean.+You - uh - do know what I mean, don't you?Sure, I know what you mean!DMothra even gave me this magic sword. Said it was to
"keep me safe".Bitch.@Every time I mean some halfway likeable man,
I have to kill him!Well, can't you stop it?(Well no - it's a magical curse, you see.xFor instance, if I even suspected that you
found me attractive, I'd be forced to
do something really totally unpleasant.Probably involving spleens.Spleens?It's an organ.,Not sure what it does, apart from ooze greenYes.!Yes, I - ah - I quite understand.&Good thing I don't fancy you then, eh?I'm ever so pleased.=Of course, I feel a lot more comfortable
with you in a dress.So where are you from?The Hublands. Hublands?dAt the middle of the disc. It's where all the
Barbarians live. But you don't see many of them about.Shy? Shy Hordes?!Well they get bad press, you see.gWell only because they crush civilisations, burn cities
and have a thing for the lamentations of women.3They're just... enthusiastic. Boyish high spirits.nOh, I see. All that nailing people to doors and
setting fire to them is just a way of
letting off steam, yes?IYes. They don't mean anything by it.
It's just their way of saying 'Hi!'So you're a Hublander.That's right.OThe ice lands - snowfields - that kind of thing.
Proud land for a proud people. Forge of destiny and so forth.6And... Well, is that a Hubland costume you're wearing? Yes. Why?7Well it just doesn't seem climatically.... appropriate.How does it stay up? Pressure. Pressure?/Everyone's eyes are always running all over it. Are you looking at me lustfully?2Me? Madam, after a day like this... not a chance.Oh.34 ®Well, that's all right.LIt's just that if you were looking at me
- in a lustful manner, as it were -(Good thing I'm not gawping at you, then! I'll say!8So you mean, you really don't find me attractive at all?What - attractive? No! No, I don't care a monkeys!ELook - I don't mean to pry, but are you sure your
friend's all right?"Bitten by a mosquito, that's what.&Happened on a treasure hunt, I reckon.4Yep! He'll be better after he's had a nice lie down.BUgh! Something around here smells
like cinnamon-dipped toad balls! Right here, sir! Sugar donuts.5Normally a penny apiece, but for you, tuppence a bag!9I shouldn't do this, mind you. I'm cutting
me own throat!'Oh all right, just give me some donuts.Is that all you're selling?yOh no sir! This week we have a special in home
security items. For makin' you feel safe, like,
in these times o' trouble. Security.And what might this entail?UPatent dragon traps, sir! Guaranteed to liquidate any
draconic intruders to your home3Otherwise, as I have said, you get your money back.What? Those are mousetraps!-They're for catching very small dragons, sir.:I'm lettin' them go half price.
I'm cutting me own throat!No thank you.+Dear Gods! These donuts look heavy as lead!&That's quality you can see there, sir.=Treacle dough lovingly dusted with sugar,
cinnamon and honey.-Recommended by the Ankh-Morpork dental guild!;They're all spongy! Did you remember
to actually bake them?
Ah. Er...WDo it yourself donuts, sir? All the pleasure of
bakery in the comfort of your own home?&A special 'dragon conflagration' sale? Oh shut up.=Tell you what - one penny a bag.
I'm cuttin' me own throat...,I wish you would cut your own damned throat!$Anything if the price is right, sir! What was that handshake you did?What handshake?The one you did just then!I never!.Excuse me, young man, but you did! I saw you!
Like that!
Like what?!That handshake, you did it again!Did not.Did too!XWell look - let's say, just as a for instance, that
I did know about a secret handshake.3Now if I told you, it wouldn't no longer be secret.That's a double negative.What?.'Wouldn't no longer' - it's a double negative.So?^So if by telling me, it wouldn't not be secret,
then by telling me, the opposite must be true. Er... yes...'So by telling me, it would be a secret!9So you see, it's perfectly safe to
show me how it's done.SLook, I think we might need to revert to some
sort of proof of your last statement. The logic seems highly suspect.And?YWell if you could go over this double negative thing
step by step - maybe on paper, like.You're a street urchin! Starfish. 34 $®A street starfish, yes.`Well if you could just prove it by means of a Ven
diagram or an 'if - then - else' statement....Can you read?-Ah. You're put your finger on a problem area.0So just show me the handshake. How do you do it?LCouldn't tell you, guv. Not just like that.
Not without an initiation, like.Shall I report to a doctor?"Well, he'd only know the physical.What?(You know sir, the real, the substantial.áWhat I originally meant, sir, was for you to prove an
innate yet unseeable quality of manhood, being a
stereotyped classification of...PNow look, we're verging on that philosophical
proofing problem again, aren't we!/Look guv - just go and prove that you're a man.8Then you'll be good enough to earn the secret handshake!*I'm alive! Now what's this handshake then?bIt's easy. You do this, then this, then this. Just
practice on those three old codgers over there.Still going strong then?5I don't have to take that kind of attitude, you know! You what??It's an ancient profession, this is!
Revered in other cultures.&Mostly in bacterial cultures, perhaps?eHonestly, have you ever thought what the world would be
like without Effluent Management Technicians?3It's time we had a greater say in government, mate!pIt's always seemed to me that you have a strong
involvement with government in any case.
Practically proverbial."Ah! The old sword in the... the... Honeybucket.
Thank you.(The old sword in the dunny bucket trick!Well - busy day?HNo - no, I'm actually toning the butchery and combat
aspects down a bit.NI had a bit of a chat with her Mothra-ship,
and we're re-examining our stance.Hmmmmmm?VWell slaughtering someone just on suspicion of
lustful intent seemed a bit excessive -rIt's so hard to prove moral and religious outrage
when you've just threaded the prime witnesses
onto a pool queue.$Yes, yes, I quite see what you mean.5What you probably want is some sort of receipt systemÜ- you know, have them file a form with you declaring
lustful intent, and then you'd have something
to show the city guards afterwards.3You mean, once I've scooped out their spleen and...6Yes - well, you could tailor your responses more, too."Match retaliation with the intent.>I mean, mere 'pulse quickening' might be
worth two black eyes,Oyour actual wolf whistle might be loss of
consciousness plus one to four teeth,Oand your pat on the backside might, say, require
removal of the offending limb.And the spleen? Well, all right, if you must.$It's just I'm getting good at those.XAnd kidneys - I just don't know how many
people are supposed to have.
Is it two or four?2Well I think it varies according to personal need.Anyway - what do you think?HWell it all sounds much more reasonable!
I think I rather like all that!"Thank you. That's ever so helpful.You!Yeah, what is it?What are you doing here?[They say I'm a pancake thief. I also got done for
impersonating a frog in a toad-only zone./If you ask me, these by-laws are going too far!(It's him! Old what's-his-face, the hero!&Him? A hero? I still say you're wrong.IIt's hundreds to one that a little wimp like him
could take out a dragon!>Would you gentlemen know anything
about the habits of dragons?-Dragons! Of course we know all about dragons!'They like them tied to rocks, you know.What? Apples?*No, virgins! They're carnivorous, you see. 34 0T What? Virgins are carnivorous!Dragons, you old fool!0It's a bit of a problem finding one around here. I haven't seen one in years.What - dragons?QNo - rocks. We're on loam. Come to that,
I don't know when I last saw a virgin.-Yes, this is certainly a very energetic city.8What would it take to actually kill one of these things?What - kill a virgin? That's probably against the law.No no - to kill a dragon!NIt would take a million to one shot to
kill a dragon, sonny. A million to one!LBut as you know, a million to one shot always comes up
whenever you need it..Just so long as it really is a million to one.FHave any of you chaps seen any magic talismans
about the place at all? What - like the "Eye of Offler"?HDon't be ridiculous! Only a maniac would try to
steal the eye of Offler!Yes, yes of course.'Still, if one was going to steal it....JIt's in the secret temple of Offler.
Certain death for any man who enters.BAh. Of course. A bit too much to
hope for anything else, actually..Do you know where this secret temple might be? It's secret!@How can you have a secret temple
if everybody knows where it is! So who does know where it is?Ha!eOnly the bravest, most fantastic adventurer of all time
could possibly stand a chance of finding out.dAs heroes - I mean, real, bona fide heroes - don't you
think there's something useful you should do?Do?Are we invited to a do?GNo no - do - take action, fight against oppression,
that sort of thing!\Long time since I last went to a do. There was
custard, I remember. And sausages on poles.>No, I mean, shouldn't we all band together
against the dragon?'A band? Are they having a band as well?NCanopies! That's what they called them.
Stuck in a pineapple. Very cultured.I wonder if we're invited?>I really do think we ought to get organised
about this dragon! Quite right! Absolutely!/But I told 'em, you won't find one around here.RThe city's built on loam, you see. You got to go up in
the mountains to find 'em.0Find what? What are you talking about this time?.Rocks! You need a rock, a rock and some bonds.BOr stocks? I've got some ten percent stock in
a company somewhere..Can't say I want a dragon to eat them, though.hYeah, no share cropping here! A virgin tied to a rock
with bonds... you have to have it. It's tradition. Why's tradition so important?:Because human beings are essentially
repetitive creatures.Why?:Because human beings are essentially
repetitive creatures.Why?:Because human beings are essentially
repetitive creatures.Why?:Because human beings are essentially
repetitive creatures.Why?:Because human beings are essentially
repetitive creatures.5I give in. You've got more practice at this than me.8You don't get to my age without being open to old ideas. Where's your friend gone now? Slumming.!What - is that him in that grave?He's only shamming.'Wants to see who turns up with flowers.]Look - I really think you ought to call a doctor
or something. I think he might be quite ill.34 <Ë7No, don't play along with it.
It'll only encourage him.+All right - what are you selling this time?Weight loss, sir?I beg your pardon!TFeelin' like a bucket o' lard, sir? Like the proverbial
ambulatory wossname - whale?=Look - what are you selling this time.
Just get it over with!ÇIt's the "Leech-o-suction" weight loss program, sir!
Guaranteed to turn a hippo into a nymph in just
one year, or your money back.GLet me guess. You're proposing using leeches
to suck out someone's fat?(Beauty can be yours while you wait, sir!#But the leech is a haematoparasite!
What, sir?_It drinks blood, it doesn't gobble up cellulite!
A little leech can't make you lose any weight.9Depends how much blood it takes, sir.
You'd be surprised.Here - have a leaflet.sIt says here that the management reserves the right to
define one year according to any local calendar
it sees fit!That's right sir.JBut the Troomellian calendar year is
three hundred and eleven months long. Really sir?(Look, I don't need a weight loss system.nHave you thought about the future sir?
I mean, you could remove weight now and
store it for use in the future.(Now I don't think that's very practical.PWell our medical practice now offers a variety of
other services and cures, sir.But I'm not blind! You see, sir? A miracle cure!$You're not fooling anyone, you know.7Oh. Well sir, perhaps we can do business in the future.=Ah, could you tell me about that
leech-o-suction thing again?BCare for one, would you sir, cut price.
I'm cutting me own throat.NOkay then, couldn't do any harm, as if I haven't
seen enough exercise of late.BNo thanks, I've had bad experiences with
creepie crawlies of late.@I have absolutely no desire to talk to that person
at this time. $Guess what I've got in my pocketses!LFor my next magical trick I need the assistance of a
member of the audience! Look up there - a dead seagull!5Hello little friend. Lovely bubblegum you have there!Oh come on, guvner!What?<Well obviously you're trying to
swindle me out of something.aNext thing you'll be trying to trick me into performing
some sort of stupid stunt as a diversion.Such as?iHa! I suppose you were going to get me to blow an
incredibly huge bubble and then run off with the goods.PNever! I don't think you can blow bubbles much bigger
than you have been anyway. Of course I can - here, watch!)Can I hold your bubblegum packet for you? Oh - thanks.This is empty!It comes with a transfer!HYou don't think I'm going to let you have my transfer!
It's collectable!]Well how do you collect a transfer - I mean, you have
to put it on your skin. It'll wash off.
Wash, guv?+Oooooooh right. Sorry I used bad language.NTell me again about the attractions of being
a lovable street-life stereotype?&I'm class background colour I am, sir!You're about to die.!Just give me the damned transfer!!Ha! Come and get it, pencil head!,Sir, come and taste the quality of my wares!PWhat in Offler's name are you selling?
And where have all those flies come from?So what are you selling?9Selling? Why custard sir.
The finest blue-ribbon custard!Based on what comparison?Ah...fI mean, if it's the finest blue ribbon custard, that
means as compared to some other brand of custard. 34 Hê?Well - compared to other custards
that don't have blue ribbons.7Just tell me what's so special about this custard then!ZIt's an aphrodisiac, sir. A love potion. A magic
so potent that none can resist its spell!&Love custard? What a terrible thought..Wait a minute - why is this custard all lumpy?!Nothing sir, merely local colour!UI guarantee that our custard stocks are now largely
free of insect oriented problems.%So what are all the flies doing here?Cooling system, sir.BThey're fanning the custard with their wings
to take the heat off.Oh.@Well look, I'm still a bit concerned about
the level of hygiene. Do you have health standards?Yes indeed, sir!Well?Well what, sir? What are your health standards?*Oh we watch the flies very carefully, sir.iThe moment one looks a little bit off colour,
he's hauled off to bed, and we
don't listen to any excuses.=Look - Aren't you the guy who used to
collect the dunny cans?:All that is behind me now, sir!
I am now the Custard King!BYou seem a likely candidate to ask.
What do you know about heroes?Heroes?8Well, let me see - I think I killed
a few the other day.NWell I say killed... I just do the holes
- they usually die all by themselves.No point blaming me.Well, about these heroes?.Always muscular types. Always got moustaches.Moustaches, eh?Oh yes. But your real hero - your actual pre-destined
hero, he's usually got the marks of some kind of
destiny actually on him.5What - you mean he comes born with them or something?QWell there's your birthmark - you know,
marking him as hidden heir to the throne.CThen there's the magical sword left in
the step-father's keeping...A magical sword, eh?IWell you can always tell a real hero.
They have a sword that goes "ting"."Ting"? Yes. It's all part of the act.DHave you ever thought of using this virginity thing
as an advantage?Eh?uAs a virgin, I mean. Have you ever thought about the
career possibilities of being, say for instance,
tied to a rock?6Um. Well... I, ah... I don't actually qualify anymore.-WHAT? Did someone finally best you in combat? Um. At tiddlywinks actually.TIDDLYWINKS!?!BWell, the goddess and me, we finally reached
this understanding...
Oh, blast! And I'm good at tiddlywinks...?Look - I'd really appreciate some help
with this rotten dragon!!You don't think you could like...Yes?Help.CI mean, if it's not too much trouble,
pardon me for asking and all. Well I don't really think I can. Oh look - why for Offler's sake! Well it's the flames, you see.dThe goddess Mothra kind of requires us to dance around
them and then smack our heads against a wall.!It's a very well regarded ritual.
Oh really.XYeah. Well what with the dragon flame aspect of things,
I can't see as I'd be much help.ULook - don't they have any other gods out there in
the Hublands that you can worship?&Well there is Friggamumn the snow god.Fine!3Well why don't you switch to worshipping him, then?@What? Would you want to walk around in
the frost in this outfit? 34 SÄ#You have a point there, you know...Possibly two.,So what's up in the mayhem department today?CWell funny you should say that.
Business is taking a very odd turn!Hmmmmm?VI did what you said - issued certificates of
lustful intent, and it worked quite well..But then some fellows began transferring them._You know - saying I couldn't hit them because
they'd passed the certificate on to someone else.`Turns out they were cancelling people's debts if they
took the note off their hands as a favour.LI've had to get all formal now - stipulate the
meaning of the notes in full.X'The issuer promises to redeem this note for
one punch in the face'. That sort of thing?Yes. That's the one.)I'm thinking of calling them pound notes.Oh... my, my...CThat darling old man. How distinguished he is,
must be a real hero! Alms, sir? Alms for the poor!But I'm already poor! Well, you've got a pointy hat.!That's not wealth, that's status.3Oh well - spare some status for the poor, governor? I think you've got that wrong.:How do you mean, wrong?
It's a simple request transaction.DI underline a need, and hope that you,
in your wisdom, will provide.=It's not a question of that, it's a question of
practicality.[Status, by its very nature, is ineffable.
As a quality, it is essentially non-transferable!1So are you going to give me status or aren't you?2I can't just give you status! You have to earn it!For instance?LReach the top of your profession! Become the most
famous beggar in the city.Get some real diseases!BWell - I try. Business is just down a bit.
What can I do about it?!You need a more dominating image..It's a thought, you know... Yes. Many thanks.,Alms. No thanks, I'm trying to give them up.What - me pay you? Oh go on!Why? Why what?GWhy should I give you money when you're
no worse off than anybody else?1Well business is bad, but what can I do about it?,Have you thought about improving your image?Improve my image? How?<Well make yourself more presentable.
Show some self respect.'What, spend money on clothes and stuff?That's it! Yeh!6All right. Give us thirty shillings until payday then.)But you're a beggar. You don't get paid.My point exactly! Why should I give you money?FWell, it's your traditional medieval street
transaction, isn't it guv!2It's an expected part of your fantasy environment.;You're saying that you're just here
to add a bit of colour? Authenticity, guv, authenticity.;Well wouldn't it be better if you
actually looked the part?I mean, just look at you!Why? What do you mean?What's wrong with it?Well it's pathetic!gI mean, why should someone give him money
if he's as hale and hearty as any
other geezer on the street?Oh.)Oh yeah, I think see what you mean, sir.Right - well, carry on!Hello!-Go away! I am a Monk of the temple of Offler. 34 ],Temple of Offal?Offler!uI am guardian of the Sacred Eye, lord high vicar of
the Other, Not So Sacred Eye, and
grand trilobite of the senapod.!You must be taller than you look!SILENCE!gBegone or else feel the wrath of the mighty Offler and
the toe-biting knights of the holy emasculation!Is this fish fresh?Fresh?BYou're a silly man, and I don't think that
I shall speak with you. Good heavens! Did it really?AI don't mind, sir. I think fish are quite
attractive, don't you?Er...%I love my wife, but oh you octopus...1Don't be impertinent!
You're skating on thin ice!(Skates are over there sir, all in a roe. In a row?4No, all in a roe, as in 'fish eggs'.
It's delicious.What's that under your arm? What's what?%That fish - that enormous sword fish!It's a swordfish, sir.I can see that!/Nothing wrong with your eyesight, is there sir!;Wizards are fine people, no matter what
everyone else says.Wotcha, Jimmy! Good Gods! That's... inventive.Ill work has been afoot!2I have you to thank for this!
Business is booming!+You must really have the market on the hop.,It's going forward in leaps and bounds, sir!%I'm trying to give business a leg up!Oh no...LEveryone says it's a good career move.
Just think of the saving in footwear!>I'm surprised they let you stay here.
They don't like beggars.*Didn't the city guard try to shoe you off?6On no sir - I told them begging wasn't my sole reason.:Let me guess - you wanted a toe hold
into a bigger market?&So do I have more legitimacy now, sir?+No. Now you just haven't a leg to stand on.Ah."I see your point. I'll work on it.&I've seen you here before, little man!=Go away, lest the curses of the
temple of Offler be upon you.Offal?Offler! Offler, you oaf!xOffler, grand high lord of the seven dooms,
high keeper of the unknowable emptiness
and defender of the unforgettable...(Now push off! And don't ruffle my cloak. Some weather we're having then? Weather is of no interest to me.]Begone or else feel the wrath of the mighty Offler
and the emasculated knights of the holy...=Blast. You've got me all confused.
Just push off, right now.Damn! The dye's running!Turning my skin all blue!!I've had enough of this. I'm off! Morning fishmonger! Busy day?Fairly hectic sir.Escape? Well it's a ray of hope, sir.)I think you're eating too many fish eggs./It's good for you!
That's quality seafood, sir!Isn't caviar expensive?$I don't mind shelling out the money.No more puns! Wizards never could take a yo... 34 e|Don't say it! Oh come on! You can keep up!$Stop it! You get me all tongue tied.&You're floundering for new lines, sir?Oh, be quiet!Arms for the poor, sir?%Oh no! This time you've gone too far!I do have status now, sir! That's not quite what I meant.IBut sir, there's a fortune to be made in
the limb loss market these days!How?=It saves on housing, sir.
I don't need high ceilings anymore. You don't need doorknobs either./There you are sir!
Now you're getting the idea!(Look - just don't cut anything else off!Er...Well actually sir...#I just don't want to hear about it!You're a looney!Is it helping business?)Oh yes, sir! The money's just rolling in!'Aren't you afraid someone will take it?,No, sir. No one would attack an unarmed man!Oh for heaven's sake -#How did you get the second arm off?It wasn't easy sir.#Wasn't easy? It's a damned miracle! How are we today, fishmonger?Not so well sir. I...)The arms, the arms, they never stopped...Oh Gods - NO! AAAAARRRGH!Greetings shop keeper!Good day sir.@There's today's special - an amusing line of
bells and whistles.FOr there's Violent Bob - the doll with
the face you can rip CLEAN OFF!Hey?It's very therapeutic. I'm sure.5The sort of thing you can share with your brothers...Are you all right?"Pardon? Oh yes. Never felt better!>So can I help you at all sir?
Anything special catch your eye?Oh no - just browsing. Browsing?Yes.Not - not plotting.Definitely not.YNot secretly planning the overthrow of the Patrician
and the total dominance of the city.No. No. Not at all.+Oh. Damn. Right you are sir. Browse away!Ah.Yes, alright. - Hello.ÉYoung man, you will have the honour of first witnessing
my new ensemble! I shall now set a trend that
will rock the fashion world. Is that a curler in your hair?!Impudent wretch, of course it is!;Oh - so you're having your hair
set in a traditional style? Traditional?;With rollers and curls.
Oh yes, it should look very quaint.Quaint!Yes.[Well, a busy woman like yourself can't always be
expected to keep up with the new trends...What? Don't be absurd.*Barber, I shall have my hair set straight!34 n∏A very wise choice, madam.Curly hair. Suit yourself.What?4Suit yourself. I mean, it might not be your style...!And what would you know about it?7I never take fashion advice from a man wearing a dress!Just asking..."So it's definitely a roller, then.What? In your hair. A hair roller.HWell of course it is! If it wasn't a roller,
then why would it be there?Ah.You wouldn't - um -Wouldn't what?/Wouldn't say it's a bit - a bit unusual at all?Good heavens no!Right you are then. Hello there.Hmmmm? Oh, hello.UI suppose it's quite a sensuous sort of job then
- playing with women's hair all day?7Not really - not with the type of women we get in here.@No silken locks, no golden magic
drifting beneath my scissors...1Nothing like my wondrous little milkmaid (*sigh*)maid! (*sigh*) You're the local dentist, too?:The one and only!
Any tooth pulling you need,
just pop in.But are you qualified?LSelf taught. That's a pretty ripe looking molar
you've got there, by the way0I'd love to get my pliers on that little beauty!Eep! Look - uh*Just put those pliers down and we'll talk.How's the milk maid?-Oh yes! Oh so perfect - so smooth, so chaste.XOh I know she'd never spare a mere barber a glance,
but a man can hope, can't he? *sigh*Now this won't hurt a bit.
Open wide.So how's business.3A few cut backs. We're trimming down our operation.Things are getting hairy?]It's just me, really. I can't concentrate.
I can't stop dreaming about
my little milk maid...Hmmmm..What if I were to arrange for you to meet her?SWho - her, the apple of my eye, the most perfect
instrument of the goddess of love?That's the one.
You're on.It's from her!'Quick - mind the shop for me, will you.Right you are, then! Shut up! Sit down! No talking!EIf you're mad, you don't want to run around
I'm sorry?+The eyes, the eyes, the awful knowing eyes!What's happened to you?CI couldn't take it! Thumping - not thumping!
Me brain's gone potty!+AAAAAH! Get them off me, they're all green!Who, me?FRemoves stains while it disinfects!
Makes whites brighter than bright!0Look - I'm afraid I can't handle this right now.Millennium hand and shrimp!;If you'll excuse me,
I believe I'm needed somewhere else...:Oh - Now let me guess -
you're a patient here, aren't you?+Oh no. I'm just here for background colour.34 x@- Dark they were, and golden their eyes,
the bells, the bells...Ah - jolly good. Carry on.2You wouldn't be a looney by any chance, would you?<Why my dear sir, I'm shocked - nay, hurt
at the insinuation.Eh?,I am a victim of circumstance, nothing more.(That and the fact that he's barking mad!0Now look, I - the young, the dark, the crabwise!Oh no.DWe're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of
Ankh-Morpork...3Excuse me - I seem to be in the wrong conversation.Wibble!)Yes, look let's not pursue that shall we? It's very delicate, you know...#How do you change voices like that?Change it like what?You did it just then!It's called bucketing. Channeling?JNo, bucketing. It's like channeling only it doesn't
drain away afterwards.GIt all just sort of sloshes around in there and
dribbles out at random.'The winter evenings must just fly by... Are you him?Pardon? What?.No, you couldn't be!
HE would know who he was.@I suppose I should come to expect
this kind of thing in my life.So who are you, then? The mighty wizard Rincewind![Oh, is that all. Well I'm sure HE wasn't a wizard.
I think I remember him smelling of fish. Look - who do you want to meet?'Him. My beloved. My long lost paramour!:But he's been missing ever since I was a child.
WAAAAAAAH!Gods, give me patience... Well it's all very traumatic
- I think.XThey said I really ought to find myself a trauma,
then go and see the psychiatrickerist.Everybody's doing it!I can imagine.&So you're here for a bad memory, then?No!Why do you ask?2Well that's a dunce's cap you're wearing, isn' it.You look like a pencil.AThis is a wizard's hat!
A garment of great austerity and history./Oh. It must be ever so good for storing things.=I don't want to talk about it!
The uniform is not negotiable!Fine!7What's this about a beloved of yours?
True love, is it?0I last saw my true love in the Ramtop mountains.OIt was a sign, you see. A sign that my life was
to be spent in alpine pursuits. That's why I became a milk maid.Really? How fascinating.I learned to yodel, too!
Oh dear...GZzzo zis word that you cannot stand...
tell me how it makes you feel...ook!7Yes. Yes. I see.
A case of latent aggression, no doubt. Ook. Ook.dNow, I want you to relax and tell me
about your innermost feelings,
when I say the word in question.Oook.That's it. Now here we go.Monkey.Shut up and sit down!Aargh! 34 Ä® Hello again! Er... HelloHave you seen him?Yes.Well, probably.1You don't seem very sure.
What does he look like?SUm... Well he was tallish shortish with
fairish-dark hair, and a thing on his face.Thing? You know.A beard?Yes!GYuk. He'd never wear a beard!
Only a complete idiot would wear a beard! Madam, I believe you are insane.3Well I have to find him.
It's all part of the cure!5Now that you mention it, I think I may have seen him!9Ach! Ein nother case of repressed
sub-neural mogrophosis! No no! I just forgot to shave.!So? Oh v'ell, maybe another time.Zzzzo mister V'izard!5Tell me v'at you think this first picture represents.Ah -Well it's a bit ugly...A dead birdie?Mister dinosaur's bum.../Oh - an emperor penguin threaded on a pool cue!!Ach zo - und how about ziss vun? Good grief!Eh? Is that you with the mask on?Whups - wrong pictures!Eeer!#It's - it's an elephant's backside!/Really? Reminds me of a patient I v'unce had...(You can keep that v'un. No extra charge.DAnyvay - how long have you had this fixation
that you are a pencil?Who told you about that?Oh come now...GListen, it's only a hat! Just a hat!
It hasn't even got any lead in it!ZHmmmm - a very bad case. A pencil case, haha.
Perhaps I'd better see you again on Tuesday.Baby! Sweetie-doll!Eh?)So good to see you. You're looking swell! Oh! Well thank you very much.Now sit down and shut up!%Hello again. You're the troll, right?Flint.Eh?-My name's Flint. My manager picked it for me.2He t'ought it was more suave name for the Clickies9If you want to audition dese days,
you've got to be suaveG... Aaaargh! Pieces of eight, pieces of eight!
Luke - I am your father! It's not got any better, has it.NNot really. But just think of all der savings
dey could make on hiring extras!&What sort of role are you looking for?,A hero. That's why I've grown the moustache./That moustache is made out of lichen, isn't it?Well, I was in a hurry!+Anyway - I don't grow beard bits very well.!I'm going to be a star, you know!Sorry?SI'm auditioning. It's for the star role in the
new clickie "Trolls Prefer Blondes".It's terribly modern!$Why has your bustline gotten bigger?,Silly cone implants, I think they're called. 34 àî Silly cone?CYes, some cone-shaped bits chipped off that
insane troll beside me.6You're keeping abreast of the competition so to speak. So how do you get an audition?1Just stay in line like me.
It's ever so much fun.3I'm terribly excited about this casting couch idea!Really?Oh yes. I love fishing! I think I need a good lie down.)Oh do you want a go on the couch as well?#Not if I can possibly avoid it, no. So would you like my Ottograph?
Your what?#It's like a name on a bit of paper.Really?.Oh yes, especially if you use expensive paper.<If you bring me something to write on
I can give one to you. That's very considerate of you.Ach, come in!A hero?"V'ell zis iss to be a hero's role.DJust say your lines and v'e'll see if
v'e can get you a screen test.Lines?;All heroes shout something as they attack.
Iss traditional!'Just say v'atever comes into your head. Um.... Hasta la vista, baby?Nein nein nein nein nein! But this just says "Aaaaaargh!" It's v'at all dragonslayers say.Really?$Ja! Just before they fry to a crisp. ook.Nein nein nein nein nein!Ook?Ooook.OOOK!Ach, zis iss terrible!(If I need a monkey, I'll let you know...(Eureka! I've found it!
Finally it works! What works?%Eeeek! Nothing! Nothing works at all./Oh go on - You were saying something right now! No I wasn't! It was all about octo-something.Shhhh! Not so loud!SAll right - but wizard's oath on this! You have to
swear to keep all this a secret.Oh all right.Well?
Well what?Well, let's hear it then!It's a secret oath.I promise I won't listen!No, that's no good.%Well, you can't say fairer than that!<Anyway, here before you,
you see a new age in entertainment!8With my new octo-cellulose I'll
revolutionise the world!Eh?EMy fortune is made! Moving pictures will
soon be the talk of the age!IYou've been standing too close
to the boiling mercury again, haven't you?6Every true genius has his vice!
It helps us get ahead.@Putting your head in a vice is
the best idea you've had all day.Moving pictures?How does it work?34 í 2Well the strips of octo-cellulose are transparent.^When you paint on them and shine light
through from behind, it projects
a picture onto a wall.It's a bit noisy.1The clicking noise is all part of the atmosphere!What paints the pictures? There's an imp inside this box.>All I do is open up the window and
the imp makes the pictures!?It paints the frames as fast as I
can wind the strips past him. An imp, eh?;Hmmmm - anyway, what are you going
to call this new system?I'm not sure.@Well it's easy enough. What is their
most unique characteristic?#They're moving pictures that click."Well there you go! Call them that.!Of course - Clickies! Thank you! Clickies? How goes it with the Clickies?.I've just formed a company - United Alchemists'We're working on our first feature now.Is it going well?ASort of. Well no, not really.
Good actors are impossible to find.Is it a good job?Why do you want to know?Eh?MYou want to be a chimney sweep, don't you!
Aaaaah - I can tell all the signs.4Well let me tell you, matey!
We've got a guild, now!,Things'll be different soon, just you see...2Look, I don't have any need to be a chimney sweep!Oh.Sorry.8I'll just - ah - just go back to sweeping then, shall I?.Do you think sweeping chimneys is a good life?MNah, mate! The good bit's when you find things
stuck up here in the chimneys!Such as?-Well - hidden gold, diamonds, secret plans...7And have you ever found gold, diamonds or secret plans?GWell no. But I suppose it's the possibility that
really keeps me going..A process of tantalisation, so to speak, mate./So in other words, it's a rotten job after all. Well at least I'm me own boss.Off!What?Go on, hop it!Hello!6This is my patch! Go find a sooty chimney of your own!"No need. I'm just passing through.'Ah! The old sword in the chimney trick.%Offler's Ambergris - Wots this then? Bloody hellfire! The Hogfather?4No wonder the kids didn't get no presents last year!Blasted thing's stuck!This town's going to pot.IThe sooner I trim down some of this competition,
the better I'll like it!What's that noise?Sorry? THAT NOISE! WHAT'S THAT NOISE?;I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WAIT A MINUTE WHILE
I TURN OFF THE NOISE! Just tell me what you're doing!I'm banging grains!Banged grain?(Great name, huh? I thought it up myself! I can tell.HDoes it always make that awful noise?
It's a civil disturbance, that is!(Don't you need a license for doing that? 34 ùYWell I asked if you needed a permit to bang grain.
They've given me one of these instead.-This is a permit for soliciting street girls!;Er. Is that better than exploded
corn kernels with butter?!You don't get out much, do you...Is this a spare camera?"There's no imp in it. It's broken.AYou want to get your process cheaper.
This stuff's too expensive.1Well I bought the grain special from the grocers.EWhy don't you go down the livery stable?
You'd pay a third the price.That's an idea there!.You watch the shop a moment, and I'll be back.=Look, I'm not sure the world is quite
ready for all this yet.RYou just wait till you see what the rest of the
alchemist guild is coming up with.Ice creams, chocolate..._We've even got counterwise wine gums! You lose a
filling the day before you go to the pictures.BThe Dentist's Guild developed it with us.
They're ever so pleased.Have you ever thought of..What?IWell, the advantages of heading back into
more traditional lines of work.*Base metals into gold, that sort of thing.]No. No future in it. I turned one base metal into
another one, then another - then into gold.=Ten minutes later it all reverts to
the original metal again.Back to first base?Yeah, that's the one.$Haven't I seen you somewhere before?%My twin brother runs the Mended Drum.'Good looks must just run in the family.!Greetings, noble nautical person!Yeah - what do you want?Give us a kiss then!WHAT?I didn't mean to... Mister wizard wants a spanking!- Help! Gottle of geer! Gottle of geer! Are you looking for trouble?.No - no, it's not me! I'm not the one who's...>Why don't you give the dog a bone,
you great tattooed matelot!GRRRR!Help!.Did anyone get the number of that Donkey cart?0Look - sorry about all that stuff I said before.What?<Well, you know - sorry about being a 'matelot'
and all that.BYou see, it wasn't really me!
It was this talking dog over here...VIf you were really sorry about all those things
you said before, you'd buy me a drink!5Excuse me sir, but I have been admiring your tattoos.0Fine stuff, eh? This one here, you see this one?"Um - That's a birthmark, isn't it?YOh, so it is. Well check out this one then!
I lost eight pints of blood getting this one!It says "Mother"No, it says "Mudder".HI'm a victim of low educational standards.
It's the thought that counts.1Why have you got a birthmark shaped like a crown?No idea, old son.sThere's one shaped like a humorous pig, too - only I
can't show you that one unless I get to
know you a lot better. So where do you get tattoos?\I can't tell you. I miss my Polly so! I can't
concentrate on anything until I find my Polly!(So - uh - you're a pirate then, are you? No, pal. Just a sailor now.'Just a sailor since my polly went away! 'Oh - look, will you have another round?.Thanks chum. I'll have a glass of milk, please 34 ¶8Milk?DAye, milk from the venomous she-bats of Re,
served in a dirty glass!Ah. I thought so.8It's good for my stress.
You see (sobs) I miss my Polly!Right!_Well you've got your drink now, so why don't you
fill me in on some sort of useful information.Useful information?8Well that's the drill, isn't it?
I go into a random bar,Something like what?%Well, adventure-oriented, preferably.$Oh, well if it's adventure you want.Oh no...dThere I was, alone with the blah-blah blah blah blah
succulent blah blah blah rounded blah blah blahAnd then we had some tea.'Look - you've been a smashing listener..If you ever can - please go and find my Polly./Here's a whistle - it's his little parrot call.$Whatever you do, don't ever lose it. I can't talk without my Polly.$Polly - Polly you've come back to...0'ere, wait a minute - where's that whistle then?-Look, it's just had a little accident. Sorry.An accident? My whistle?%It just sort of - fell off the world. Anyway, I got your parrot back.ABut my whistle! My hand-crafted Hublander
parrot calling whistle!My Mudder gave that to me!iOh 'ow can I concentrate now that I know the last
keepsake of my old dead Mudder
has gone from the world?Right.(I'll go fetch the whistle then, shall I? 6Oh my Polly! My beautiful Polly and
my lovely whistle!!Just tell me how to get a tattoo.#Go to the barber's shop, of course!9Oh my dog, my wonderful dog!
A gootiful dog it is indeed! "Gootiful?"Care for a gottle of geer?Here doggie doggie doggie!4Have you heard about my dog?
Gaspode the wonder dog? Oh go drink a gottle of geer! Who's there?H-hello?Hello, is anybody there?RLook - there is someone there - I can see
bits of you poking out behind that door! What are you doing back there?Go away! I'm the Bogeyman!Really?+I'll give you a fright you'll never forget!)Look, just come out from behind the door.%I-I can't. I'm afraid of open spaces!An agoraphobic Bogeyman?8Lay off! It's no fun being
a legendary figure of terror! What does a Bogeyman do, anyway?<It's quite a hard job, being
a traditional figure of terror.Really? Well there's the good side, too.DThere's your place in folktale and legend,
and you're your own boss. Get out from behind that door!I want my mum!Oh stop snivelling!Mother!
Oh mother.5My mother would never take me
to the zoo, you know...Really? 34 ∞‹-Would you care to lie on a couch, by the way?0Oh no - the door's quite
comfortable, thank you.-Anyway, I asked her, and
she'd never take me. Tch tch tch!GHave you ever thought of seeing
a psychiatrickerist about this problem?&Oh no. I mean, that's for sick people!Yes - quite...Tell me about your mother.7Well the zoo's important to
a young bogeyman, you know!FIt's not easy scaring people, you see.
Takes a lifetime of dedication.]As in - terrify some lower orders of life, then
shift up to people once you've got the knack?&That's it! That's what you have to do!EAaaaah. Well I think I can help you there.
I can find you some foxes.Foxes!Sorry - I meant mice. They're not big mice, are they?I don't think so. I mean, those ones that jump. Can't bear it when they jump...FWell you just come along and we'll find
you some ones that don't jump.GWell.... It's a good idea, but I'm afraid
I just can't leave my door...Oh, good grief...Why? Well it's a symbol, you see.6Are you sure you've never been
to a psychiatrickerist? You're not really a bogeyman! I am too!Go on - let's see you then!9I'll come out! I'll come out
and you'll get such a shock!All right then!All right what?!All right, come out and scare me!PWell - you're ready for it now.
I mean, it's not a shock
if you're expecting it!ëSo you're saying your effectiveness as a legendary
figure of terror is entirely due to my not knowing
exactly what you are or when you'll appear?Um - well, maybe...pIn which case, you should change your name
to something more appealing - you know,
to heighten the shock effect.Such as?Cyril?%Cyril! That's no name for a bogeyman!&Heightens the surprise effect, though.You're right there! Hmmmmm - Cyril the bogeyman....$Coming out from behind the door now?No.,So - uh - what does a Bogeyman do, actually?3We have a highly valued traditional community role.uWhat - frightening children into eating their greens,
serving as formless objects of folk terror,
that sort of thing?Yes - yes, that's it.&Then there's your special commissions.~One time, these wizards tried locking
a cat inside a box and opening
it up every now and then to see
whether the cat had died.[My father frightened one of the
old geezers to death when he
jumped out of the box instead!I think I've heard of that.AIt added an extra complication to the
'principal of uncertainty'.8It was all Death's doing, of course.
A sub-contract job.$Why are you hiding behind that door?It's a metaphor. Not a door?!A metaphor for my own insecurity. Quite a powerful image, really. Mornin' Jimmy! Fine day for it! For what?JFor whatever innocent folk like we can find to do
up here on the rooftops.Have you ever fallen down?Oh yes sir, tons of times! 34 ªº=Well if you don't want a repeat performance,
try shutting up!LThe day is coming when people like you will have to
look up to folk like me.&Probably easiest from the ground then.What?FLooking up at you, I mean. Probably easiest
when done from the ground.VActually, I think I might just get in a little
'looking up at you' right now, in fact.LI'll just go down to street level in a quiet,
orderly fashion then, shall I? Evenin' all. Now, Nobby? Do I book him now? What for? Um... loitering with intent!VParagraph seven, subsection three "lurking,
loitering and vending without due course."'Oh Carrot, give it a rest! Take a walk!&I feel much better for my walk, Nobby! Wonderful. Thank you Carrot.Who are you people anyway? We're the City Guard, mister.What, all two of you? Three of us!zThere's me, and the Sergeant - who's a bit
under the weather as account of making
an arrest of a large quantity of lager.)The boy's going to be a full member soon. Marvellous.>We're on patrol. There's been a few thefts
around here lately.?Strange things going missing.
Little knick-knacks all over town)You don't know anything about it, do you?What?@Well we thought we might patrol our way
over to the Broken Drum.-Then we might patrol our way over to the inn.GThen there's a few wine cellars whose
doors definitely need checking...I see. So what are you up to, then? Oh nothing!(See, Nobby? Loitering? That's loitering!Of course it isn't! Well it's as close as maybe!<Well the law has to be specific.
What actually is loitering?@Oh, well once upon a time
there was all sorts of laws of course.Yes? Such as?,Oh intent to go into a pub and have a drink.4Intent to strip stark naked and wave at passers bye.3Intent to go into a pub and have really big drinks.:Intent to pass by the guard without
giving them a smoke...-You haven't got a spare on you by any chance?Uh, no. Sorry, I don't.No loss, no loss.:Well look, I wasn't planning on doing
any of those things! Well, how were we to know that? But I was just standing there!FWhat's the difference between loitering
and minding your own business?|Ah, well your inveterate loiterer sort of sidles
his way along the pavement, kind of moving
without even twitching a muscle. ...Er...oh, yes, I know....ahem:/Had to struggle a bit for that one, didn't you.=Look. I'm not going to stay here!
I've had a very trying day!Exciting? Full of action?What? Yes, I suppose so.FWell, that's Disturbing the Peace, then!
Okay. These are your rights.$You have the right to remain silent.hYou have the right to say:
"Yes all right it was me wot done it
aargh aargh NO NOT THE FINGERS aargh..." Carrot - no.What?*No Carrot, we are not going to arrest him. But Nobby, he just admitted-- But we're turning a blind ear.What does a City Guard do? 34 Δt`Not a lot. Not much call for us nowadays. Thievery's
permitted as long as it meets Guild quotas. So how big is the City Guard?Well it must be...Yeah, easily...Oooh fully...What?Well, there's three of us.But you say the kid is new?JHe just wandered in out of the wilds one day
- almost heroic-like, it was!.He's the first volunteer we've had in decades.7He's having a little bit of
trouble fitting in, though.MHe's a bit literal-minded, you see,
on account of the fact that he's a Dwarf..A Dwarf? He's seven foot tall if he's an inch!$He's the tallest Dwarf in the world. I lied about my height, see.You're a very good liar.dHe's a good loomer, too. He can really loom,
Carrot can. Never known anyone
for looming like Carrot.A tall dwarf.'It's all right. He's growing out of it.3You're all warriors (warriors, what am I saying...)%So do you know anything about swords?&Not me. You can get hurt with swords.NI know. Not for a real sword, see, you've
got to go and get a Dwarvish sword.9They're the only ones who know how to
tune them properly.Tune them, eh? Hmmm.ETry the mines if you're looking for Dwarves.
They'll do you a favour.1Ahem. Any friend of mines
is a friend of theirs!GWhat do you brave soldiers (brave soldiers!)
know about dragon slaying?HI mean, what kind of chance would someone
like me have against a dragon?EListen, mate - the odds of killing a dragon
must be a million to one!You'd have to be a hero!NSo what are the odds of someone like me finding
everything a hero has to have?HWhat? Forget it mate! The odds of you finding
all that stuff would be...A million to one?Yeah, that's it!7You're all guards. Custodians of
the law (gods help us) What do you think makes a hero?QWell a true hero doesn't know he's a hero,
does he? I mean, it's all... relative.How do you mean, relative?DIt's like... maybe... you ort to get
a relative to fight the dragon.+That's clever. I wish I'd through of that.GAh, you got to be at least a corporal
to have tactical ideas like that./Oh, good grief... look, all I want to know is--"Have you got spare relatives, sir?Well, I have an aunt."There you are, then. Case closed.She's nearly eighty!+Better than wasting a younger person, then.$Yeah. 'Cos the dragon'll eat anyone.Right!Right!LLook, we're getting sidetracked. How can I tell
if someone's a proper hero?*Well, a hero always knows what to do next. Does she?Who? His aunt.%His aunt's going to fight the dragon?#Let's hear it for a brave old lady!:Shut up about my aunt! My aunt's not
fighting the dragon.I need a proper hero!_You said your aunt was a hero.
Didn't he say that? Corporal Nobbs?
He said his aunt was a hero. I heard him."I'd be proud of her, if I was him.!Look, let's not start that again!34 œ¸%How do you actually recognise a hero?7They got a birthmark. Means they're
a king or wossname.,All heroes do. That's what make them heroes.9'ere! You can't go through the gates
without a gate pass! I can arrest him now, Nobby!I haven't left yet!What?I said I haven't left yet! Yeah - and?NIf it's only illegal if I leave, then it can't
be illegal for me to not leave.Ah.Right you are then. Well just watch it - that's all!Just you watch it.ALook, I haven't done anything!
Will you stop trying to arrest me!You haven't done anything?No!Nothing at all?Absolutely not! Right! That's vagrancy that is!kUnder article seven, sub paragraphs three
and four, I must ask you to accompany
me down to the Watch House!And then what?Ah.Ah....;Well the book didn't quite go into punishment.
Only arrest.So is this the Watch House? Er - yes.+Right - well then I'll accompany you there!Is that all right?Um.Yes, Yes, I suppose so.*Well, I've certainly been taught a lesson.So you're a - uh - a... A dwarf, sir - that's right. Don't let the height fool you.ILook - I haven't done anything to you.
Why don't you just leave me alone?.Well, I'm a guard sir!
A guard has to... to...To what?Well, to guard, sir.,I mean, we have to watch out for theft, sir!'Does that have to involve harassing me?'Well, you are a potential suspect, sir?FWhy do I have to be a suspect? Couldn't I be...
well - stock-in-trade?Stock in trade?uWell instead of harassing me, you could just
take a quick look every now and then to
make sure I haven't been stolen.Good thinking, sir!8If you're ever stolen, I shall
report it to you at once!,I think your commander wants you to fall in.Right you are sir!Rich! I'm rich!I'm fabulously wealthy!,Bwah ha ha ha ha - I'm comfortably well off!:It's all mine, and no big ugly lizard
is going to stop me!Ahem!Ç...however, when I say ugly, I don't of course mean
lacking in considerable wit, charm, charisma,
attractiveness, teeth, claws ...Hush!"Yes sir. I'm shutting up now, sir!:I am angered, little man. I am angered
and I am sorrowful._An evil brotherhood has pulled me from my ancient place
of rest and have bent me to their will. I am being used for evil ends!+They are inside my head! I cannot stand it!PI am not naturally an evil creature. I wish only
to return to my home dimension.HSeek out this evil brotherhood and destroy the spells
that control me...,I cannot fight off their powers much longer! 34 €*Ah... yes. Well how do I break this spell?(You must uncover the secret brotherhood.&Six artifacts, used to summon me here.XBring the golden trinkets to me, and I can sever the
brotherhood's control over my mind.IYes, but where do I find this "Brotherhood"?
You said that it was secret![Seek out the one who stole the book of Dragon Summoning
from the Unseen University library.IWell... Um... I suppose I'd better get out and
get on with the job, then!COh by the way - they really are building
me up for a major rampage.\If you fail to stop them, you will probably end up
gritting down someone's path next winter.Er... right. Gotcha.5I'd rather not. Wizards and flames don't go together.3Excellent. You're doing quite well for a soft-skin.Thanks.Well, back to work!Aaaah! Now I have them!Good. Well, you'll be off now, I suppose?
You know, back home to the old dimension - home
comforts, put your tail up and relax.Never!6First I shall deal with the members of the Brotherhood%- and then I shall come back for you!#Me? But I wasn't even a part of it!You were there! Yes, but...%Don't make any plans for the evening!AI'm just feeding my little darlings now.
Do come around the back!.Oh, hello again! You were at the hairdressers.I'm Lady Ramkin.Do mind the do-do's.Eh?,Well if you don't, the do does what it does.It does?What does it do?-Well it does the dirty - the do-do's, I mean. It can be dodgy, ducking do-dos.HIf there's any carbon on your feet, you could be
history. And geography.5Dragon droppings are rather unstable, even explosive.QThat's what the boots are for. Can't go tracking
this sort of thing in the house.It eats through the rugs. And the foundations, actually.Oh - yes, yes.I'll be careful. Some sort of constable, are you?Eh?<Well your hat - it's very grand.
Officer's issue, I suppose.$Um... no, not exactly. I'm a Wizard.7Ah. Sorry. I'm afraid I don't have much to do with men.Dragons! Where?cAll around you, young man. Swamp dragons - the only
kind of dragon that normally exists, of course.Protection society?Yes. Poor thing..Let's not mention dragons. I've had a bad day.%Run that bit about men past me again.,Oh, well I've just never... there's never... What on earth was that bang? Oh no! There goes another one!There he goes?çOff. He's gone off! It's the flames, you see.
It's all in the digestion. The more combustible the
food they eat, the more powerful the flame.Really?^Now and then one of the little beggars overdoes it,
and sets himself off. Rather nasty really.Er?5Dragon innards are so hard to shift from the ceiling.Do they all explode?QWell what they're trying to do is modify their
digestion to create hotter flames.PIf they could only approach evolution more
scientifically, they might do better.:As it is, the species needs an awful
lot of looking after.34 ‡JIs a self-detonating, toxic defecating house pet
really going to catch on?@Well there's the excitement of breeding.
Pedigree lines and all.4Yeah, and you can watch them all blow up afterwards.(Yes, it's hard. You get so fond of them.^I give the members of one family line the same name,
and then just attach a number on the end.4That was Mambo the fifteenth who just detonated now.+Sadly his son is a bit of a disappointment.Oh?KYes. He's a runt. Mambo the sixteenth will probably
never survive to breed.DHe's too small to fly, and dragons mate
on the wing, don't you know.BStill, he's a romantic little soul
- a real charmer to the ladies.Ladies?Well - lady dragons.IHe's always doing little mating dances. Quite the
little show-off really. :I'd need a very good reason before
I'd go into the Shades.kThat's a place where curiosity not only kills the cat,
but also weights it down and throws it in the river.,Is there much call for it around here, then?Eh?Walls.5There's a fair few of them about. You'd be surprised. Nice trowel!%What trowel? I don't own any trowels!)Yes you do! You were using one just then.Liar!
I saw you.xLook, if I had a trowel - which is not to anyway
imply that I actually do, it would be
a tool of trade, now wouldn't it.0I couldn't just let anybody mess around with it!jWhat if that someone weren't just anybody, but someone
pretty special in an unusual or useful kind of way.What - like a colleague?Oh.%Actually, I was thinking of a wizard.IReally? Well, it would still have to be a pretty
special kind of wizard.Is it a worthwhile job?1Well yes - if there was more pay and less breeze.Breeze?ARight up the old dairy air, friend!
Me drawers have worn through.FWell that's got nothing to do about being
a poorly-paid mason, has it?4If the pay was better, I could afford new underwear!Give us the trowel then!No.Hey, just what I wanted!$Ah, the old sword in the wall trick!Um... open for business?Oooooh!RWell that all depends, big boy! (Big boy... good grief)
What were you looking for? I need to prove that I'm a man!+You don't need me, love. You need a doctor.(You are ladies of the night, aren't you? Dunno. What time is it now?#I imagine you prefer it to be dark. Are you trying to be sarcastic?AI'm only being ironic at the moment.
I'm working up to sarcastic.I'm not surprised. I was hoping you could help...=That's what we're here for, big boy
(excuse me for laughing).Mainly little problems.*You look like a big problem in that dress.)I happen to be sworn to celibacy, ladies.6Now there's a promise that you must find easy to keep.-I was told this might be Big Sally's address?VCan't imagine why that'd interest you, big boy
(big boy!.. sorry, I shouldn't laugh..)What? Well, why? Well you are wearing a dress...34 Û -Look! It's not a dress! It's a wizard's robe!It looks like a dress.QWell it isn't! It's the costume of a very ancient
and revered order of aesthetes.You run a lot, do you?You'd be amazed--HMind you, that's not surprising, going around
this town wearing a dress.=Madam, I don't like your inference!
As a wizard, I am chaste.RWalking around in a dress? I'm not surprised.
If I was you, I'd hate to be caught.@I wonder if you can help me. I'm trying
to find someone special.-Well, I'm special. I've got a heart of gold.1Really? What exactly is it you ladies...er...do?Oh, you know.Geishas?HI'm not suprised you've got a cold,
running around in a dress like that.)It's just that I thought that you...er...Oh, you did, did you?+Do you know where I might find 'Big Sally'?Not meBut - but you're a...µBig-hearted, basically decent woman trying to do
the best she can in an oppressively patriarchal,
chauvinist, male-dominated society that obstructs
female advancement at every turn?:I knew you were one of those as soon as I saw you, oh yes!/You're one of those! It's a fantasy tradition -ìyou're supposed to wander the streets bent double
under the weight of your heart of gold and keeping
your ear to the ground to pick up information.AThen blokes like me can come along and you
pass along the gossip.bI hate to think what'd happen to anyone in this town
who hang around with their ear to the ground.1Can you at least tell me where to find Big Sally?-Oh sure, big boy!
(big boy! It cracks me up!)Well?
Well what?Where is she?'Oh, I'm Big Sally! You should've said.>I've been told to come and ask you
for one of your 'specials'.A - a special?BEr, yes. That's right. And don't think
I'm looking forward to it.gAll right. You go and get the milk, the egg and the flour,
and I'll go and look for a really big bowl.3Why is it I feel somewhat puzzled about that reply?2Now look, I don't know about this... what is that?,It's a bowl of custard. Didn't you like it?8A bowl of custard? That's your Special?
Making custard?>Why not? I can't imagine what assumptions
you've been making.ÄI'm a woman of many parts. My old granny used to say
that good kissing only lasts five minutes but good
cookery lasts for years.qMany's the man who slips in here for
a bowl of custard he can't get at home
-- Will you stop smirking like that!Hey! It's great!GAnd now I'm going to have a bath.
It's messy work, making good custard.The best thing about being a wizard is that you're not
allowed any...you know...but you can have as much
custard as you like... Such a hero!(A hero? Wow! How do I attract a dragon?3If I were you, I'd wear camel-flage.
All heroes do.Heroes wear camel-flage?[I think it's a sort of perfume.
You probably can get it from
wherever you get your dresses.Wotcha, deary!EEEEEK!LCouldn't keep away from old Nanny, eh?
It's my fascinatin' nature, I expect.5Somehow, I didn't think your hobby would be knitting.Oh, I'm a devil for it./It's not a dress! It's a robe of occult power!It's got sequins.UI happen to like sequins! They happen to give a very
nice occult sparkle, all right?<By the way, are you sure that carpet
you sold me is magical?:I wouldn't know love, but there's
no trade in on that one. 2Madam, control yourself!
I'm an accredited wizard!7Well, you know what they say
about men with big hats....I don't wa...eh? Really?
What is it they say? 34 ˝ÏThey've got big heads.Oh.-Let's not do something we'd regret, shall we? How about a kiss for old Nanny?-Eek! Madam - try not to remember who you are!&Is it much of a living, being a witch?2Actually business hasn't been going all that well.OI've lost my custard making book. I used to
make the most irresistible custard.Really?GWell it was a bit of a cheat. I used to put
love potion in the custard.+You couldn't help but fall in love with it.=So the book's gone? Why don't you try
looking in the library?$You're such a thoughtful little man.9Now come over here and sit on yer
old Nanny's trick knee!Eeeek!-Ah, about your patented lie remover potion... It's my special truth potion. Aha! Um... could I borrow some?1I'll only let you have some in return for a kiss.7And this time, I'll be keeping my eyes open, so I will.Uh - oh no.... My, my...Ah, about the truth potion? Here, take it... oh, my my...
Oh, hello!MShe's coming any moment now! My beloved would
never keep me waiting for long!No. Um - well good luck..You haven't seen her anywhere about, have you?,Possibly. Look, I think maybe I'd better go.There you are!;Sigh - she's forgotten about me.
If only she would come...!%Yes - Listen - about these tattoos...9I can't even think about that now.
I've lost her! (*sob*)ORight! Here you are then! The milk maid is
all set to be your next appointment.+Oh that's marvellous! I'll be seeing you.../You serve as the local tattoo artiste, correct?<Oh yes. I'm the best on the Disc.
All the heroes come to me.&Here, take a seat and I'll do you now. vNow what style of tattoo are you interested in,
and more importantly what part of your body
are we talking about here?(Those needles - they look pretty pointy.LRazor sharp! It's so they can plunge efficiently
beneath the flesh, you see.Uh...SOh yes! Stabbing into the living tissue, hooking
through the skin and spurting ink.5Each tattoo needs that to be
done thousands of times!Oh.... Does it hurt?"Oh yes! The pain is quite intense._I seen grown men turned into whimpering, creeping
wrecks by just five minutes under my needles.EAnyway, you're a pal, so I'll do one
for you right now if you insist.?You'll just have to bear with me.
I'm too excited to work well.MI really hope I don't stab the needles
in too deep and then break them off...-Ah... yes... Look, I think I'll pass for now.]Well, in that case why don't you try one of those
new new fangled transfer thingumie tattoos."Sounds great. Where can I get one?/Try my son. He gives them away with bubble gum. Your son!?! Yes. The little street starfish.(Ah ah. Thanks for that. I'll be off now."Polly want a cracker""Polly wanna wossname.""Wossname wants a cracker!" "Wossname wants a wossname!""Oh, bugger..." We meet once again, wormling!34 Oh no!&Yes, t'is I! Prepare to meet thy doom!5Stop! What's huge and purple, and has a hundred eyes?'My mother. With perhaps 97 extra eyes.Ninety-seven?Yeah. Good ole mum.<Oh - oh, well that sort of takes
the effect out of that one.Now have at you!\LOOK - I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS, BUT DO YOU THINK YOU
MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO ALL OF THAT AGAIN?Uh - excuse me?7WELL I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY,
WHAT WITH THE PLAGUE AND ALL.7COULD YOU JUST WANDER THROUGH ALL
OF THOSE TRAPS AGAIN?You've got to be joking!2DO YOU SEE ME GRINNING?
MORE THAN USUALLY, I MEAN.6No, look I really can't stop now.
I'm a very busy man.+AH WELL. I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.
SO TO SPEAK.Ulp...!#Excuse me. Are you a Dwarven smith?7No, I'm Dwarven Llewellyn.
Dwarven Smith is over there..So you're definitely not a Dwarven Smith then?No, I'm a miner.What - under age?PYeah, I'm only a hundred and thirty seven.
They won't even let me into pubs yet.%What's it like being a Dwarven minor?:Well I just dig-dig-dig the whole day through,
apparently.
Just that?+The hours are long, but the food's not bad.0Plus there's the "wandering princess" allowance.Oh, really...Excuse me sir?QYes? What is it, I haven't got all day. We Dwarven
sword smiths lead a busy life! Sword smith?Yes.4As in your actual maker and tuner of magical swords?Yeah, that's the one..Um - well would you tune up this sword for me?+Yes. Will right now be soon enough for you?0Look - You're sure you're a Dwarven Sword Smith?What do you mean?jWell aren't you going to tell me that
you won't do the task until I find some
obscure item from somewhere?Why?gWell, it's traditional. Nothing's easy
for adventurers. There's always just
one more object to collect.lWell if you want it that way, I suppose...
All right - go, and return only when
you have brought me... um...A glass of elderberry wine.=That's it! Complete your quest and then return!
How was that?(Oh marvellous. I can't thank you enough. Any time! Hey. Who turned out the lights?8Cor! Well at least it's nice and warm
and soft out here."How do I get out of this... place??No no... forget that last statement.
How do I get to stay here?Hey, that's cheating!Whot??That's cheating, you can't do that!
Put that rotten thing away.7It is not cheating.
It's just enriching the story line.Yeth!It's in the rules. It isn't!I'm sure it ith.&You can be quiet too, Mr Handbag Face.ûAnd if you try to swap dice on me one more time I shall
do to your black monks what the prophet Dundas did to
the tribe of the Extralites -- with both thumbs. Excuse me, but what is that?What?&There! The little pointy-headed thing! 34 ‰4You've got a little piece hidden down your cleavage!.Oh. Goodness me.
I wonder how that got there?Put it, put it back!TYeth, I haven't 'ad any fun with that one yet!
Wait 'til it meets my monk this time.!Hmmph! Just get on with the game.!Hsssst! Hail brother Door Opener! Door keeper!"Opener, Keeper - what's it matter?PWell, I don't have to open it to just anybody
who turns up. You could be a spy.A spy?ZWell it's a possibility. You could be a very clever spy
wearing a very effective disguise.Open the blasted door!What's the password?All right, lean closer.No.What? You didn't say "Simon says". Open the door or I'll kill you! Ah, the other password (sigh) Um - hello?Hail! Yes, hail Brother Door Keeper.dHey, hang on. You're not dressed right. There's nothing
forbidding and black about you. There isn't.0Right! Give me the password and I'll let you in.Oh all right.Does it really?Um - well maybe it doesn't.)Hows about 'The octopus dances sideways.'Yes?*The mollusc shall swoon in the darkness...Go on... And the blind dog wears a dress.lSounds as if there's a lot going on out there.
But if you want to come in, you have
to give me the password.Ah - let's see now...EIt's (blah blah blah spoons blah blah blah swordfish blah blah blah).No.Hey? You didn't say "Simon says".Oh - Simon says!HOkay. Welcome oh fellow brother of the
Elucidated Brethren of the Sword.@... bring out the components of the potion,
Brother Lightfinger.Yes Brother Chuckles! Oh dark spirits of the universe!Eggs.1Eggs, and this measure of cornflower... you sure?DWait! It says here to simmer at low temperature
for fifteen minutes.BGood grief! What the hell is going on?
What exactly are we making?/Have I ever told you how attractive I find you?Oooh, Chucky, Chucky...Hail Brothers!Hail!Hail!Yeah, right, Hail.7Once again we Elucidated Brethren of the Sword are met.,Once again we shall weave the webs of power.DFor we know now that 'tis our destiny to rule
this city - Oh Chucky-Chuckie-Chuckie!Hail!UYes! Once I thought it was my destiny to build
a papier mache dinosaur in my bedroom.But now I know!Ere! What about us then?>In company with these, my loyal lack... um,
my loyal comrades.!A new age shall dawn, my friends!34 ,Hail! An age of power and majesty!Hail!IAn age of freedom, without indoor plumbing
and the job losses it entails!Hail!nA world where a man can carry out his
legitimate wealth redistribution business
without worrying about quotas!Hail!VWhere cheap replastering will be outlawed
in favour of major structural reinforcement!CYeah, a place where low mackerel sales
will be a thing of the past!BAnd compulsory smoke-flue cleanliness
will be rigorously enforced!Hail!RBrother Brick-wit, Brother Broom - bring the tome!
And now for the spell of power.Brother... Brother...Er... Pencil head!4Brother Pencil Head, hold thee the consecrated bowl! Um - now look, wait a minute!POh dark spirits of the universe - with this bowl,
we do consecrate and so forth!CAccept now these sacrifices as we consign
the potion to the flames!!Bring us the power of the DRAGON!What's this then?f'For a nice time: eat well, drink happily and find an
amusing and rewarding occupation on a sunny day'a'Prove that you're a man! See Sally at the House of
Negotiable Affection and ask for a "Special"!:You know, the tone of this place
is really going downhill.A BIT SLIPPERY, IS IT?It's fine, I assure you.+MAYBE YOU'D BETTER JUST SPIT ON YOUR HANDS.2That's going to make it even slipperier, isn't it?IT MIGHT BE WORTH A TRY.But then I'll slip and die!0IS THAT REALLY SO BAD?
PHILOSOPHICALLY SPEAKING? It is from where I stand, yes./DEATH DOES HAVE ITS POSITIVE ASPECTS, YOU KNOW.IT'S EASY TO DO LYING DOWN.DALSO HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THE SAVING
ON FOOD, RENT AND CLOTHING? 5Are you saying that this is my appointed time to die?%WELL, SINCE YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, NO.&If it's all the same, I'd rather wait.OH, IF YOU INSIST.How much later?%DON'T START READING ANY LONG BOOKS...NEED A LIGHT?$Oh no thanks - I've already got one!Ha! That ought to do it! I THINK SO.#THIS ALL TAKES AN EFFORT, YOU KNOW.!Just stop following me, will you?8I HOPE YOU REALISE I'M WORKING
MY FINGERS TO THE BONE...That's two no trumps...Fish!DFamine - Have you got a-a-a-a-a-a-a
-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.... Nine?Hmmmm.IWell... I accuse Colonel Horseradish
in the Library with the lead pipe...7ER...ARE YOU SURE WE'RE ALL
PLAYING THE SAME GAME HERE?2Damn - I've forgotten what
I was going to say now!7That little idiot over there's
ruined my concentration.War, is he one of yours? Him? No. That's one of Death's.9You shouldn't let them run around
loose like that, Death.NO.NO POINT REALLY.%Death, have you got Mr Bun the Baker?DNOT UNTIL HIS OVEN EXPLODES NEXT WEEK...
OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN....;Look - there's that little human
with the pencil-hat again! 34 $‰*War, I thought you were going to kill him?No, Death wouldn't let me.VAnyway, I thought he was destined to pop
off his pointy shoes about eight minutes ago.CIRCUMSTANCES PREVENTED IT."Circumstances? What circumstances.=IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH
BUTTERFLIES FLAPPING THEIR WINGS.5BUT I DO APPEAR TO HAVE GOT 21.
AND SOME SPARE CARDS. Blast - you've cleaned me out. Let's go kill some butterflies!I could kill a vindaloo.HELLO.Eeeeek!3Stop, this isn't right!
I haven't even started yet!;WELL I JUST WANTED TO SEE IF
THERE WAS ANY NEED FOR ME YET. Well, I didn't call for you!(I'LL, ER, I'LL JUST WAIT, THEN, SHALL I?Wait as long as you like.I WON'T MAKE A SOUND.Good! YOU'LL HARDLY KNOW I'M HERE.That's not the idea at all!It's a story, isn't it!fAnd there's hardly any point to a story if I just get
killed without ever muddling through to the end!?(sigh) SOMETIMES I REALLY FEEL THAT
PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE ME.Uh!HELLO.NICE DAY FOR IT... Yes... um, nice d-day for what?#FOR WHATEVER YOU'RE PLANNING TO DO.0So - so you mean I'm destined to fail after all.NO.I'M JUST HAVING A BREAK.Oh.Sorry.I SHALL SEE YOU LATER ON..Uh - look, you're a busy... a busy - um - man.8There's no need to disrupt your schedules on my account.bOH, I ENJOY IT. SEE YOU AT THE CITY SQUARE, THEN.
OOPS. SORRY. IT SLIPPED OUT. FORGET I SAID ITWhat?4So you're the one that's been behind all this stuff?That's me sir.NRedmond Herring, supplier of plot modifiers and
moderators to the gentry, sir. Plot modifiers and moderators?<You mean false clues, tedious in-jokes
- that kind of thing?That's the stuff, sir!_We look upon our service as proving all those things
which make up the true essence of a story.nWhat - you mean complicating the plot so that the poor
stupid protagonist wastes half his time on false leads?Yeah. The technical term is padding.LI mean, can you imagine what your day would
have been like without us, sir! Funnily enough, I believe I can!'Excellent. Well - good to have met you. By the way - you dropped this!This isn't mine, sir!/This is just a piece of paper that says MONKEY..We'll just call that one on account, shall we? What are you lot doing here? Us? Nothing. Yes you are!YPrograms! Get your souvenir programs! Only one penny
each, and I'm cuttin' me own throat!+What's that lady doing lashed to that rock?Um - reserved seating.(I thought you said nothing was going on?LWell it isn't! But if anything does happen,
then she's got a front row seat. 34 /HELP!She said help!6No she didn't she said whelp.
She calling for puppies.%Give me one of those damned programs!What's this then?o"Opening act; Grand fanfare and dancing girls.
The amazing Bendible Sisters will perform
amusing novelty acts."Should be worth seeing.V"Followed by; Lady Ramkin will be offered as a
sacrifice to appease the mighty dragon. Main attraction; hero roast!6Sausage Sizzle to follow.
If wet, in the Town Hall..."HELP!=Don't worry. We're pretty certain
a hero's going to turn up. Where? When? Are you sure?{Oh. there's no stopping the buggers.
That's what we're here for.
And if it doesn't work out, there's
always the sausages...0Well, now that dragon can meet its doom at last!<Little did it expect that it would
meet up with a true hero!Oooh, a hero? Who?Me!,So you've found all the bits you need, then?7Yes! Now, finally I have the power.
I'm a hero at last!EI still say it's going to be a million to one
against you killing it.Never!UWhat can a dragon possibly have to match my wits,
my cunning, my majestic pointy hat?Ahem... It was him! I said I'd leave you until last!*Go for it, lad!
Hit it in the voonerables!Shush!HLook - Mister dragon - why don't we just come to
some sort of agreement?\On the other hand, in a sensible universe, the actual
chances of my harming you are about...A million to one?Yes, that's it.ASo in the interests of promoting
mutually beneficial relations...àYou feel this is the best course of action for
the overall promotion of positive experience
- which is to say, enjoyment and well being?Exactly!çBecause if the day ends with one of us dead, then
the negative experience of the loser will cancel
out the positive experience of the victor? Yes! Yes, that's it exactly. Hmmmmmmmmm.MWell, on due consideration - and
after weighing your very fluent arguments...Yes?$I think I'm going to eat you anyway. Why? Was it something I said?(No - it's just that I hate philosophers.Sorry. Well, in that case, take THIS!Missed me by that much...Ulp! Eh? Now how did he survive that?&Well that was one chance in a million!Right! Right, that's it! What happened to the philosophy?)I will give you something to think about!I'll be here...And I'll be back... (hmm, that wasn't a bad line...):Hey! None of that now.
She's meant to be a virgin, she is!Not you again!Aha! Hast A lar Mister!HIs that a swamp dragon in your hands,
or are you just pleased to see me?7This is an M16, the world's most powerful swamp dragon. It can blow your head clean off.(You've got to ask yourself one question."Do I feel lucky?"Well do you punk? 34 ;àSSSSSssssssssss!Oh, my, my, my....@Oh - so that's why it doesn't have any voonerables.
It's a girl! A female!?!TOn heat, too. They always get stroppy when they're
feeling a little... overheated... Good grief!By Mothra's hand-warmers!*This clickie's going to make me a fortune.(It's hardly suitable for public viewing!GWell, you go up there and tell them!
Anyway, it has artistic integrity!,He's got an interesting seductive technique.Lots of energy, anyway. Pub, anyone?Why not. AH... SORRY!
oh, bugger.Did you get the number of that Donkey cart...?Oooh!What are you doing here?VTherapy! The psychiatrickerist said I should try
doing something useful with my hands.(You mean, as opposed to thumping people?"Yeah.".The magic just seems to have gone out of it.../"So - life's gone to pot, eh? Snh, snh, snh.."
You again!!Shut up! It's difficult, this is!Well how would I know that?%Yes - yes, I see. Thanks very much... Oh - hello.!This is all your fault, you know!#Yes - well don't bother getting up!2That's a nice pot you're making there, by the way. It's supposed to be a hat rack.Ah.@Ah - don't let me disturb you.
I'll just quietly walk on my way. Er... Now can't we discuss this.BYou know I've always wondered, just why
are you crossing the road? Look, you can't frighten me!!"Solicitation without a license."+"Impersonating a Frog in a toad-only zone."8"Donkey for drunken driving and malicious quadrupedism."u"Wanted for arson - suspect approx 3 tons, 200 feet
long, scaly. Wanted dead. Definitely dead.
Reasonable reward..."U"LOST. Small dog. Answers to the name of Gaspode.
Talks too much. If found, keep."n"Counterwise wine tasting at Bearhuggers Wineries.
Please bring bucket to winery the day
before you arrive..."I"Experienced virgin wanted. Good pay.
Immediate prospects for promotion."g"Free dragon-victim disposal service. Reasonable
rates. Contact Prendergast's path-gritting emporium."B"In trouble with the law? An open and shut
case looms before you?"c"Coffin for sale. One owner only. Low mileage. Apply
after dark to Baron Notfarouto, Elm Street."s"IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE CITY WATCH.
Vacancies for trolls, dwarfs, gnomes and undead.
BE A MAN IN THE CITY WATCH!"a"$$$ Make Money in Your Spare Time $$$ Apply to:
Ankh-Morpork City Mint (Outworkers Department)":Yea! Yea verily!
And Offler shall rise into the firmament!LAnd verily shall he bellow forth the
ten sacred names of the forbidden dawn,JThen shall he stride forth, and many shall
be the number of his stridings.%Full across the Disc shall he stride.MAnd those who gaze upon him shall say
"Look - It is Offler, and he strideth!"1From this day forth, ask thyselves, sinners! Ask!-"Offler strideth, but does he stride for me?"/Black! Black shall be the blood upon his hands!>And large! Large great piercing things
shall be upon his head!8And he shall pierceth them
who holdeth his name in vain.B"Lo - we are pierceth", they shall cry.
"Ouch! That really hurt!"AYet it shall avail them nothing,
for the piercings shall be many!DOoooooh woe to thee, the pierc-ed!
Woe to thee who turn from Offler!YWoe to those whose unmentionable areas shall feel
the prod of those nasty, pointed horns! 34 C$$"Spare change? Any spare change sir?GOr bank drafts - promissory notes?
We can handle most foreign exchange?!Any spare foreign exchange, sir?"=So, tell me, what would be the odds
of me slaying a dragon...%If I were wearing a magic talisman... If I were wearing camel-flage...$If I had a sword that went "ting"...If I had a birthmark...If I had a moustache... If I recited a magic spell..."If I was wearing a posing pouch... If I was wearing a black mask...And...8I can't do that until I've sorted
out this "odds" thing.AI can't go any further until I know
what I need to slay a dragon.GMust be something to do with those odds
the guards are always on about.Sturcus morturus sum.Sturcus morturus sum.Sturcus morturus sum!
Up sesame.That can be remedied love.4Well you know what they say
about men with big hats!You're not mistaken.
S'alright! Who's there?That's roast beef!What are you staring at?What?;Yes, I won that at last year's
Swamp Dragon Breeder's Show.AaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhOff! Get off!No. No. Respect! Respect! Aaaaahhhh!I'll never touch the stuff again. Sausages in a bun!
Doughnuts.Dragon detectors. Programs."What can you tell me about heroes?-Heroes, can we tell you about heroes or what!Yes indeedy, can we what!What?Tell him about heroes.Oh yeah, heroes. No indeedy.GNow, the most important thing for your
aspiring hero is a posing pouch.,Just the thing for attracting young maidens. Yes indeedy. Oh, indeedy me!0The bigger the better, that's
what I always say!Just ignore him.Seems all legal.Right you are.There you go.:Look - I'll just go and stand over here,
then - All right?Fine. Right...Well, goodbye.>Don't get horribly burned to death
by any monsters or anythingEAh. Well, if you'll just excuse me,
I think I hear destiny calling...Right!.Well I'll just move along then, shall I? Fine.BThis seems like a good cue to cease
this whole silly conversation.!Well, I'll catch you later, then. 34 N\*Right - well, don't be a stranger. Cheers!$What are you doing? Get out of that!<Why can't I just have an inventory window
like anybody else?Heel! Heel I say! Good boy.Here boy! Here Luggage!Must you always do that?=It's embarrassing. I don't know why
I take you out in public.MThis thing smells of butterscotch!
Good grief. What are you keeping in there?6Why is it all sticky?
Oh, wait... I'd rather not know.#Good thing I brought you along, eh?(Come on Luggage! We haven't got all day!Luggage? Here Luggage!RCome on then! If you're a good boy, I'll get you
some nice mothballs for your tea!6Hmmmm - can ambulatory furniture actually catch fleas?QMaybe he has woodworm? I really ought to give him
a bath or something, I suppose."I wonder if varnishing would help??Oi! Heel, heel, DOWN.
I'm sorry, it normally never does this... Where do you put all that stuff?$So what do you think about all this?Oh - I see...#So do you think it's safe to go in?5I can't believe I'm asking advice from a box on legs.QYou'll get indigestion one of these days.
I do hope it's when I'm not watching...*So do you think that's going to be useful?Oh.(Aaaaaah. This is the life, isn't it boy!4Ah yes; ambulatory furniture, a man's best friend...CDue to plot elements beyond my control,
I'm afraid I can't do that.:I don't care what the user manual says
- I'm not doing it! Damn! They won't let me do it!Just a pawn of fate, me...AOh dear - this isn't one of those
not-for-the-kids things, is it?1We'll just give it a miss, then,
what do you say?!No - no, I can't seem to do that.Nope! I can't shift it!@Actually - I think there might be some
sort of law against that!Oh - let's not be silly![If it was up to me, of course I'd say yes, but I'm
afraid I'd be out of a job afterwards...)Sorry - the program won't let me do that!,Can't do it? What do you mean I can't do it?9Amazing, isn't it.
Sometimes I could cry, I really could.uActually - I'd hazard a guess that they never
even bothered to extend the map behind here!
I'd complain if I was you.KNo - seems to be locked.
Well - either that, or it's just pretty wallpaper.HHere - this door just seems to be painted on!
There's not even a handle!I think it's stuck.#Oh no... Arrggh... it's horrible...Hang on a minute it's me.&Rather handsome looking chap isn't he?2Of course it's me - who were you expecting, Death?Care to step outside...6I am NOT a cartoon...
I'm just dimensionally impaired!?If only I had another dimension
- I'd teach you a thing or two!Hands off my pixels!BWho do you think you're poking?
I'm a great Wizard I am, I'll turn you into a mindless ugly toad! Gosh it worked!hee hee hee... Get that off me - it tickles!%Please don't stare... I'm rather shy!PRight... That's it... Poke a man in the ribs...
Let's see how you do without it!AOh alright, you can have it back
if you promise to use it wisely.34 U–GA Pixel - or Picture Element - The smallest
addressable display unit on%the screen, for example this one dot!0All programs have at least one bug - here it is!Only kidding! Only joking! I already have one of those!I don't have a free hand!That doesn't work! Try again later... or earlier!What would I do with that!(You have to be kidding!
Get it yourself.You want me to do WHAT?%Haven't I seen that somewhere before?AI have a feeling I've done this before...
You know... day-jar-voo;Heelllloooo...
Annnyyyybooooddddyyyyy
Hooooommmmmeeeeeee...Well... Now what?Oh, stuck, are we?Hey, don't go!(No, no, no we were starting to have fun! If you leave, can I come too?Hey don't go so soon!Come back soon!PouchFThe problem is not so much having the pouch,
as having the fillings...Pouch-There's nothing quite like a nice full pouch!PouchReminds me of something.CoinsLI wonder if the ones with chocolate on the inside
are actually legal tender?BroomStraw tied to a stick?Banana%Hmmmm - fruit with its own wrappings.String<Actually, I think this might technically
be a ball of twine.`Alright, it's a small difference in nomenclature,
but it might be important to somebody someday!Staff!Here! It's got a knob on the end!LadderRI suppose the deluxe model has the wrungs
held on with a better grade of string...Butterfly Net3This handle on this butterfly net has a hollow end!BookHmmm... Hair Roller+I've never seen a metal hair roller before!
Frying PanRFlat, heavy, metallic - and sheathed in
those really hard-to-get-at grease stains.Corn Quadro-triticale, I presume.Mirror%Rather an ornate little mirror, that.Tomato+Errgh! I think there's things living in it!Egg!Well this egg's seen better days!Worm,Actually, it's more like a grub than a worm.WormHLook's like it's been having a good time
in that Klatchian cactus juice!Worm+It's a worm with a string tied to its tail.Glass34 ] @Aaah -genuine Morporkian lead crystal.
Fine acoustic properties!MatchesHmmmmmm... Safety matches.DonkeyXNow there's something you don't see everyday!
A purple stuffed donkey kind of thingumie!Dinosaur A green stuffed lizardie-thing!Treasure Treasure!Treasure)Ah - this isn't treasure -
this is booty!Treasure7This one isn't treasure -
I'd describe it as valuables.TreasureEThis one is almost treasure,
but with a wee hint of bullion about it.Pot=Hmm - at least, I hope it's only
been used for holding water.PotEJust what the doctor ordered -
a clay pot filled with chunky custard.PotA pot full of water.6I hope it's not river water.
I'd hate to melt the pot.Pot<A pot of frothy water.
Must have a million household uses...Knife.This knife is keen!
Get it? The knife is keen? Gold Banana"A solid gold banana? How very odd!PrunesUgh! I do hate prunes.Robe-Aaah - this will be a black robe with a hood. I wish it didn't smell so funny. Butterfly"Ah - the lesser spotted Marmaduke!FrogDDefinite Senior Wrangler potential
in this slippery little blighter!Donut1This donut is more than just a little bit sticky.Note/Hmmmm - a letter from the milkmaid's lost love.+This handwriting looks hauntingly familiar. Bubble BathExtra squidgy bubbly bath.Ink BlotII think it's a picture of a lard pie...
or maybe a hippopotamus dumpling.Ink Blot+Ugh! It looks like a plague rat's backside.@Well, either that or a signed portrait
of the Patrician's ulcer.Doll.Aaah - it's a doll of the jolly old Hogfather!Keg?It's a highly dangerous yet
strangely attractive gunpowder keg. Firecrackers!Firecrackers. Wow let me at them! Fireworks$Fireworks. These I just must get at!Coconut*`ere! There's milk sloshing around inside!Coconut Ah, now I can get at the milk.Egg By Offler! This egg's gigantic!I bet that hurt coming out. 34 dFeatherA cockatrice feather. Cornflour,A neat, nay, a trim little bag of cornflour.Pass5Just the thing for those who
want to pass some gates.Sheet;There seems to be someone's face
drawn all over this sheet! DrumstickDA drumstick might come in handy.
Damn me if I can think how, though. Custard BookT"The secrets of Forbidden confectionery,
volume three - Love Custard for beginners."MHey, when you get the full set of these,
you get a handsome ring binder, too!Carpet7Ergh! This magic carpet's got
little bugs living in it!ToothA gold tooth.TrowelA golden trowelCap A fool's cap with a golden bell. Skeleton KeyA golden skeleton key.Belt!A belt with a golden belt buckle.Brush A golden handled chimney brush.Mallet.A king-sized wooden mallet
- just what I need!NailA nice big rusty nail.BoneNot much meat on it.Bone4Not much meat on it, but plenty
of glue to go round.LeechesMLeeches. Aaah - nothing like an invertebrate
to get you going in the morning. Paper BagA paper bag of leeches. Paper BagA brown paper bag.Snake*The old magic markings on the snake trick!Snake>The old magic markings on the
magically stiffened snake trick.Snake9The old magic markings on the
extremely long snake trick!SnakeNThe old magic markings on the magically
stiffened, extremely long snake trick!(Hmmmm - it's even got a knob on the end!Starch4"New Jiffy-bril instant starch - stiffens anything."5Hmmm - you never know when
that might come in useful!
FertiliserA"New improved Wonder Grow
- grows anything, new instant formula."Whistle/I wonder what sort of birds this whistle calls?Hat0This hat is certainly more impressive than mine!HatAWow, these handkerchiefs and white rabbits
seem to go on forever!Appointment
Book7Funny sort of appointment book!
Nice big pages, though!Appointment
Book34 l 2An appointment book with the milkmaid's ottograph!Brush+A genuine hog-bristle back scrubbing brush.5Aaaah - now that takes me back
to me old school days!Scissors Very stylish styling scissors. Truth Potion!"Nanny Ogg's Patent Lie Remover."""Removes unsightly untruths . . .".". . . leaving behind just the odd white lie." Custard Tart4Quite a good aroma to this love potion custard tart.Frame!Ah - a nice sturdy picture frame.Picture4A nice impstamatic picture,
even if I say so myself.:Aaaaah - it even catches the
coy little glint in her eyes.Picture=A nicely framed impstamatic picture,
even if I say so myself.:Aaaaah - it even catches the
coy little glint in her eyes.Picture A fine little octopus, that! ImpstamaticFHere! This camera even has a little verandah
and an easel for the imp.Imp#Pesky little blighters, these imps.ImpHThe little blighter looks a little drunk -
hope he can still paint okay.Rat-That rat has a zipper running along its back! Gum BootsCNot quite the height of fashion, but
they do have a certain appeal. Screwdriver1Well, what's a rusty screwdriver between friends?Crank!Quite a handy wooden crank, this!Tankard.One tankard, Broomeldian Bladder-Buster sized.TankardA tankard of wine. At least - it looks like wine.3I wonder why it's pitting the metal in the tankard?TankardA tankard of beer.JWell... something similar enough to beer
to cause a minimum of excitement.TankardOA brimming tankard of truth potion!
Just the thing for those hot summer nights!SootUYes - this soot seems hauntingly familiar -
but I can't quite put my finger on why... Moustache A genuine donkey tail moustache.%If only it didn't smell so strange...Sword Ah - a sword that goes 'ploink'!SwordA sword that goes 'ting'! Birthmark/It's one of those new fangled painless tattoos.Eye of Offler[Well if that thing's supposed to be the size of
a pigeon's egg, I'd hate to see the pigeon! Rubber BeltFThis has to be the second biggest,
stretchiest object I've seen today!Key!A small key shaped like a dragon. 34 s8BloomersVThese are either patent elephant cosies,
or a pair of bloomers - I've forgotten which.BloomersSmall bloomers.:Hmmmm - about my size, actually.
Sort of soft and silky...&What a strangely liberating thought...BraA heavily padded bra.Ladder Ah - a genuine muffled ladder.Octopus,Hey - actually this is quite a cute octopus! Well - as far as molluscs go.SpatulaOooooh! Spatula! BlindfoldEThey're very comfortable.
I think everyone will be wearing them soon.Leash"I hope that leash isn't flammable!Parrot/I wonder if he wants another cracker, heh, heh!DragonYSmall, scaly, offensive - oh, and it's flammable, too!
But somehow it doesn't feel right.M16<Now, this is a real weapon.
All it needs is some ammunition.M16 Still needs more ammunition.M16<Now, we're cooking.
And so will anybody who gets in our way!Lantern+I can hear some oil sloshing around inside. Broom Handle+Now this could be a handy extension handle.Butterfly Net3Now I can catch those really dangerous butterflies!RosetteKA nice blue ribbon and rosette -
makes one feel like championship material! Garbage CanUgh! What a smell.FlyAAh. Your genuine Ankh-Morporkian blow fly.
Absolutely fiercesome!FlyAAh. Your genuine Ankh-Morporkian blow fly.
Pickpocket(Handy if I want to pick a pocket or two! HandshakeCMakes me feel like I'm a member of
some ancient and sacred society.Spell2That spell's still rattling around inside my head.Hello1Useful for exchanging pleasantries with somebody.Question'Useful as a means of getting an answer.Sarcasm=Useful for inflicting irony,
sarcasm and bad jokes on people.Anger)Useful for venting frustration and anger.Goodbye"Useful for leaving a conversation.GeneralA conversation topic. 34 z\Just in Case.Look's like a wosname.Just in Case. I don't know what it is either!Just in Case.!Just ignore it. It might go away.DiplomaHmmmm...+Unseen University, Thurmaturgy 101. Failed.GWell, it's not little trinkets and paperwork that
really count in life! I've got...Got...3Well, I've got a really pointy hat! That's a start!Bed3I really must do some heavy research into this bed./Eight or nine solid hours should be sufficient.Shape*Yes - a mysterious shape, a sinister shape- a shape fraught with...
Shapeness.@It must be a plot element -
otherwise there'd be a better label!Wardrobe&Yes, it's definitely an open wardrobe. A fine example, if I may say so.Wardrobe)This soddin' thing hasn't got a doorknob!Chest;What's an ugly chest like that
doing on top of my wardrobe?Chest7A snoring chest, that's novel!
Well I'll soon fix that!LuggageAaaah - my trusty luggage.:Good boy! Now just try not to eat anyone
- there's a chap!Door0Aaaaha - portalis exitus, or the common doorway.-See - I'm not a wizard for nothing, you know!Pouch It's my money pouch, alright.)Now if I only had more of the fillings...Arch chancellorAs far as leaders go -?the only reason I'd follow him into battle
is out of curiosity!Hat)His hat is bigger than mine! And sharper!ShelvesHmmmmm - golden thingumies.,It must be good to be the Arch chancellor...DeskAaaah!INow with a desk like that, a man can really
defer some serious questions!CurtainsOooooh - sparklies!ExitFLarge... flat... Hmmm - there's a handle
of some sort in the middle...HIt may just be a wild guess, but I'm willing to bet
that this is a door.Shape3Let's see - smooth, irregular - smells of paraffin.I wonder what it could be?Lamp=Illumination. How marvelous.
We have all the comforts of homeShelves"Aaaah - ah yes, now don't rush me! Ouch! 34 Ç–"Yes - thought so. They're shelves.Shelves6Oh! Cleaning material.
I didn't know we had a cleaner!+It's very hard to keep staff in this place.)Well - hard to keep them human, anyway...Packet2New Jiffy-bril instant starch - stiffens anything.5Hmmm - you never know when that might come in useful!BroomQAh - looks like a witch transportation device,
one of the older models I presume?ExitFDamn! Who's been messing with this?
It was an entrance when I came in! Librarian]Actually, on close examination, this would seem
to be some sort of sub-tropical arboreal ape.DeskEMust come in handy. Stacked with all
the latest monkey accessories...BookHmmmm, Sex Magick!\The book of the 32 unspeakable acts
- with a compendium containing several speakable ones...No wonder it's on ice!Book"Ye Illustrious tome of levitation.3Well, yes - that's... that's levitating, alright...BookFAaah - let's not press this 'curiosity' thing
too far, then, shall we?
Sleazy GuyQYes - I think perhaps our best move would be to keep
slightly upwind of this one.(Well that, and keep out of arms reach...BananaA golden banana?
Book shelf0Oh dear - there's little pamphlets living in it!Ropes(Reminds me of my old auntie's bedroom...Dome^Yes - well, not one of your finer domes, but still -
very nice if you like that sort of thing. Empty Place4That's where the Dragon Summoning book used to live.
Magic BookAh, what's this...%Good Grief, I've been read by a book!
Sturcus...Sturcus morturus...;No, I won't say it. I won't.
At least not until I need too.L-spaceThe way into L-Space. Librarian:Well I suppose it saves on making
your bed of a morning...ThiefBAh - yes, now I don't think this chap
can claim to be a fixture...Exit+Thank the gods! At least there's a way out!BurnerOGenuine food heating while you wait!
Nothing but the best in Unseen University!
Frying Pan8Skilletus hotticus. Yes - I've seen one of these before!CookHWell he's cooking food.
I suppose that means we have to call him a cook.SpatulaOooooh! Spatula!BananasLActually, I'd always pictured bananas as being
a healthier kind of yellow...
Corn flour*I never did have much time for corn flour. 34 ã(PancakeRemarkably similar to food.Window(The art of illumination is not yet dead!Plates6Aaaah - so it was ice-cream for dinner yesterday, hey?Exit-I hope there's a clear run to the latrines...BursarA bearded old wizard.Dean Yet another bearded old wizard!Lecturer in Recent RunesRAn old wizard who grew a beard,
mostly because shaving cream costs tuppence a bag.Senior Wrangler1Would you believe he gets a full tenure for this?Frog*Ah ha - the ex-senior wrangler, I presume.Apprentice Wizard6Yes - let's not touch it, or we'll break out in spots. Windle PoonsTA very, very aged old wizard with a beard
used mainly for collecting tobacco stains.Staff,Hmmm - long, wooden - clearly quite magical.Gong2You know, I've always wanted to ring one of these.FoodAh - let's see;5I do hope that door gives a clear run to the latrine!CarcassfAh, a swamp dragon if my eyes don't deceive me.
I thought these things were filled with explosive gas? Oh right.Rincewind's Room*Let's see - I think that one's my room....Closet0I think this one leads to the Arch chancellor...Kitchen"That one must be the broom closet.Arch chancellor's Room Oh sod it! I'm all lost now! Dining Room?There's teeth marks all over this one.
Must be the dining room.Library Well now this door's all sticky!Why does it smell of fruit? Main Door=Ah - now this one - this one I know
like the back of my hand.The good old library door!StatueLYes - well art criticism was never a
strong point of the university trust...StatueWOh. Well this one's not a statue! I think
this one used to be a frog out in the garden.KAh well - he never should have asked
to be turned into a handsome plinth...Entrance.Well at least it's easy enough to get back in.University DoorQWell where's the doorknob, then?
How can you have a door this big without a knob?Path8Quite frankly, I think I'm being led up the garden path.Unseen UniversityAh ha - good old Unseen U.nI wonder if the walls are this high to
keep what's outside from getting in,
or what's inside from getting out?Apprentice WizardCGood grief! I thought the apprentices
were all kept tied to stakes. 34 í<BagWhat's this then?Ugh! Lily Pond1Actually, it's been a while since I had a bath...Frog&Another senior wrangler in the making!Path Tradesman's entrance, I presume. I wonder what we traded him for? Garbage cans What a smell. And those flies.<The apprentice's luncheon seems to
be coming on rather well.Door3Sod it. Another one of those doors without handles.Window Illumination is a fine thing.I wish I could see in.Ladder3Now there's a handy plot element if ever I saw one!Bags?New improved wonder grow
- grows anything, new instant formula.Hmmmm...ExitExit to town? Good idea!Door,Yes - well, it's a forbidding door, alright.Slot:Ah - the old forbidding slot
in the forbidding door trick.KnockerFA forbidding knocker below the forbidding slot
on the forbidding door.,Forsooth, it gives me a sense of foreboding.7You know, I think I've seen this
knocker's face before!BarrelA rain barrel!+Gad, there's no expense spared on this set! Drainpipe/Outdoor plumbing. What will they think of next? Drainpipe,You know, I think this is all just one pipe!Sounds0I wish I could tune the reception on this thing.SoundsAh - that's better!Fence3Well - I suppose I can just hide behind here, then!Thief
Him again!Exit Always good to know it's there!Alley&Where are all these flies coming from? Notice BoardEActually, given the local literacy rate,
one wonders why they bother.
Old Timers@Ah - croccus gittus,
or the common old garden boring-old-codger.Dibbler/I'm sure I've seen him around the place before.\I wonder if he was the one who tried to sell me
shares in that left-handed shoelace factory?UrchinHAh, background colour! Gad but
there's no expense spared in this place!'Lovable Street StarfishHAh, background colour! Gad but
there's no expense spared in this place!'Amazon Warrior34 ö§3Ah, now this clearly is a Hublander Amazon warrior.JFirm musculature, powerful - unbridled!
Straining against the taut fabric.MMere textiles scarcely able to contain the ripe, majestic swelling of her...!Amazon WarriorBAh - now - now let's try and keep quite
calm about this, shall we?StallRotten Produce!;Well there's something to be said
for truth in advertising.Tomato"It's a tomato. Rotten to the core.Egg It's an egg.Door'What's this, then - Psychia-trickerist?Shingle7Head in a vice... a hammer.
Must be very sophisticated.Shingle7The art of signposting is apparently
long, long dead...StocksMGood to see that the really useful social
traditions forever remain in force!Sign1What's this then -"soliciting without a license"?SignILet's see..."Wanton flap-jackery, pancake heist
and lurking with intent"?Sign."D.U.I.? Donkey under influence?"Well I never!Tax CollectorVWell if you must have a tax collector,
why not keep him where you can always find him?CookDUnseen University's cook?
High time justice was done, if you ask me!Donkey0This is what comes of holding low ass-pirations.Tail/Hmmmm. Strangely luxuriant hair on this donkey.'I don't think I'll ask where it's been. Billboard7"Alchemists Anonymous - get rid of that banging habit." Billboard+"Alchemist Clickie Appreciation Society..." BillboardE"United Alchemists - now in preproduction
for Trolls Prefer Blondes!" BillboardD"Now Shooting - LIVE - live action extravaganza,
heroes eaten, etc!"WitchOh dear - It's Nanny Ogg.6Now let's try to keep quite calm about this, shall we?Stall$Yes - it's a witch's stall, alright. Custard Book:What's this then? Definitive Tome
of Custard Compoundment?Carpet8This has to be the mangiest magic
carpet I've ever seen.Big Rock<Actually, it's amazing they found
a rock around here at all! Lady RamkinA maiden in distress!pWell - Technically a maiden, anyway.
If we rescue her, I think we'll just give
the 'kiss-thing' a bit of a miss.KeyCThere's that dragon cage key,
safely nestled in her stocking top...Dragon#Great scaly, fire breathing lizard!Dragon9Great scaly, fire breathing,
strangely attractive lizard!Crowd34 £Ù.A great, churning, gibbering mass of humanity.VWell - close enough to humanity not to
excite interest from anyone except a biologist.Witch1That's an umpire's chair!
`ere - what's going on? Strange Man3"Redmond Herring, props, blinds and double blinds."Eh?Exit'Let's definitely keep this in mind, OK?Toilet4A toilet? Purpose built?
What's the world coming to!CanQNo - I'm not going to look into there.
There are some things best left unknown...GraffitiWhat's this then?f'For a nice time:
eat well, drink happily and find an amusing
and rewarding occupation on a sunny day'_'Prove that you're a man!
See Sally at the House of Negotiable Affection
and ask for a Special!9You know, the tone of this town
is really going downhill.Door:Good grief - what in Offler's name
is that dreadful smell!LampQActually, I don't know if its a good idea
having a naked flame around this place. Clothes Line2You mean someone actually airs their laundry here?Robe/A monk's robe - and a very scratchy cloth, too.+No wonder they're always in such bad moods! Fish Crates<Oh please let this not be where
he normally keeps his stock!
Fishmonger#What an interesting shade of green!
Fishmonger,Ah - yes. Well I'll leave you to it, then...BeltHmmmm - sturdy belt, that!Exit@Nice and broad. We shouldn't have
too much trouble hitting that!Entrance3This looks suspiciously like the entrance to a bar.Window4Hmmmm - yes... drinks, tables... It's a bar alright.7Thank heavens I took that course in object recognition!Shingle A lovely drum and drumstick set.Shingle(Nice drum. Pity that it's broken though.BouncercAh - well... 'bouncing', being an active, happy
sort of motion, obviously implies a playful nature.'I hope he's going to be friendly to me!ExitGYes, I'll have to remember this bit for a future
'flee in terror' mode.TrapdoorXHmmmm... that characteristic scent of turpentine, crushed cockroaches and recycled beer!"This must lead to the wine cellar.Picture>The top three placed cats in the
annual Ankh-Morpork cat show.PictureJThe gold cup winning rooster at the
Klatchian animal crooning competition.PictureFThe award winning pig from the
Ankh-Morpork pork butcher's guild ball.PictureÑThe special merit medallion winning cockatrice
from the wildlife preservation society's award
ceremony for recently extinct species!Picture+The blue ribbon winning sheep from the er.. 34 ¨BeamGood wood, this.Good wood, this. Hmmm.BarLYes - well, technically I suppose it is a bar,
though it could be cleaner...1Here! What's this fly doing in this pool of beer?Drinks"Counterwise wine...."0"Old Uncle Benjamin's patent embalming fluid..."."Old Uncle Benjamin's patent stain remover..." "Hmmmm - Old Uncle Benjamin!"Klatchian Cactus Juice! With something wriggling inside!MatchesAh - matches!PActually... I though all wizards were supposed
to blow smoke rings or something!-I really must consult that script sometime...BarmanRHmmmm - hairy, malodorous - the guttering light
of stupidity gleaming in his eyes.*It's a fair guess that this is the barman.Spittoon No - I'm not looking in there!Braggart#What a strangely shifty individual!Braggart7What a heavily injured and
strangely shifty individual!ManEHmmmm - generic bar hopper number 137,
unless I'm very much mistaken.Man3Ah - yes, this might not be quite my sort of bar...Drunk:Don't make eye contact, or you've
got a friend for life...Drunk?Actually, that's probably the best way
of handling this city... Hublander*Ah - a large, psychotic barbarian mad man!Just what I needed... Hublander+Gad - a second psychotic barbarian mad man!
Little GuyHHmmmm - small and strangely vulnerable.
I sense a tragedy in the offing.
Little Guy&Hmm - very thoroughly beaten, I'd say!Glass,He's really married to that drink, isn't he?
Scared Guy;Actually, terror is a fair way
of responding to this place.Town=Actually, on second thoughts,
it looks like the exit to town. City GateFWe used to have one of these things at home
- but the wheels fell off. Guard Tower<Always good to know the guards
are being kept nice and safe.Crate&What's this then;"Danger, explosives"?
Open CrateNGunpowder. That's dangerous, that is!
Someone ought to lock those up in a box!
Open CrateNFireworks. That's dangerous, that is!
Someone ought to lock those up in a box!
Open CrateMCrackers. That's dangerous, that is!
Someone ought to lock those up in a box!Guard&Obviously the commander of the guards.Guard 34 ≥t?Ah - you'll be the mandatory
pink-idiot-youth-with sword, then!GuardzOh dear. You know, that's possibly the closest
I've ever seen anything come to being a human
without actually being one...Exit All roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.'I wonder if there's anyway to complain?BenchComfy looking bench, that.LampAh - lampus illuminaticus.Sign"Keep off the grass."aActually, since they irrigate this stuff with river
water, I'm surprised they even need the sign.;The stench should be enough to
simply move you right along!Fish1For its sake, I do hope that's not river water...Sign"No swimming."7What - in Ankh-Morpork?
You'd be safer bathing in acid!LampCosy lamp, that.Drunk$Oh - so that's where I slept it off!!Odd stuff, this counterwise wine.Sign"Beware of drunk." ButterflyJHmmm... a multiverse of ramifications
seems to hover right before my eyes.ExitHandy thing, that!Palace5Why is it these places are never properly accessible?GuardOh good. A palace goon.Guard#Bad luck comes in pairs, I suppose.Door%Let's just keep this handy, shall we?DiplomauDiploma from the academy of barbering,
bloodletting, leechery, tooth pulling and
associated self-mutilations academy.Picture"Our first customer." I wonder if he was the last...?Chair7Here! Why are there straps
attached to these arm-rests? Apparatus Extractors, drills, needles....BarberLI think the medical and hair-care professions
still have a long way to go...Woman%I wonder why she smells of brimstone?Dunnyman<Poor fellow. Look's like he needs
some root canal work done. Little Book7Funny sort of appointment book!
Nice big pages, though!Scissors\Gosh! The only ones they'll ever let me use at
the university have the ends all blunted off! Hair Roller.Well - at least, I suppose it's a hair roller.Couch>Yes... still fails to create that
relaxing atmosphere, though.Pocket My. What deep pockets he has.Door 34 ∫*Remind me to get one of those for my room!CounterCHmmm - wood, solid, flat...
Yes, it's definitely a counter alright.Sign6"Special today - Sweet-Pretty-Pony
home abattoir set."'Somehow I don't think it will catch on. Toy Maker What an extraordinary person!Glue Pot:Aaah! Looks like a prime paste
blanc extraordinaire to me!*Good body - but a bit fruity for my taste.Sale BinAh - prime knick-knacks!Purple pinjatasSale BinAh - prime knick-knacks!Hogfather DollsSale BinAh - prime knick-knacks!Soft toy dinosaursToys$Yes... a fairly eclectic collection.ExitlOh dear. I don't think I should have really climbed
up here. I don't have that much of a head for heights...Tower:Yes - yes, a good example of
post-dynastic octo-baroque... Flag Pole;Why is it that there's never
a flag on any of these things?Tip Oh, it's got a knob on the end!PalaceThat's the Palace.DragonUI do wish that creature wouldn't keep looking
over this way and licking at its chops!Mirror A nice big shiny mirror, that!DeathUlp!Exit Yup! Got it!Trapdoor&This goes up to the office, I presume. ReceptionistAThat's possibly the most heinous woman
I've ever seen in my life!.Stunning how they manage to find these people!Desk9Why is it everyone in this city
has a decent desk but me?Diploma"Diploma - Honours Pass"("CMOT Dibbler's correspondence schools.""Psychiatrickery, grade 1."8Ah - well at least local mental
health is in good hands!Butterfly Net#Just tools of the trade, I suppose.Shrunken Head I've always wanted one of these! MagazinesHmmmm... I hate waiting-room magazines!Troll3Yes - yes, probably as good a place for him as any.Girl&Now why is she dressed as a milk maid?Exit 34 ¡3We'll just make sure the door stays open, shall we?Trapdoor2Here! There's sparkly stuff all over these stairs! Receptionist"Good grief! What is going on here?Desk-Why is this desk all overlaid with sparklies?Diploma]"Diploma - CMOT Dibbler's correspondence school
of head hunting and casting-couch operation?" MagazinesWhat's this...6What have you lot done with Popular Siege Engineering?Troll-I didn't think trolls could grow facial hair?Girl'Ah - interesting change in dress-sense.Poster Attack of the 50 foot Dwarf!%That should be a hit with the trolls.Poster Blown Away.#Cast includes a thousand elephants!Stairs I've already been down there.CouchBHmmmm - what an interesting couch.
It makes me think of my father./He never would take me to the zoo as a child...Poster What's this?SAh! It's always good to see new disciplines
drawing upon traditional home medicine.Skull(Er! It's got little things living in it!ChartWhat's this then?ButterOne pound of flourEggs, one dozen?7Oh dear, I think someone is struggling for a joke here.ChartHmmm - how very relaxing.)Yes - soothing... very - very soothing...Hammer Ah - a relaxation therapy aid.StairwayJust where I left it!Couch8Here - this must be that casting couch I've heard about.Poster&Coming soon - 'Trolls Prefer Blondes.''Filmed in octo-colour.'Poster*"Now casting: Raiders of the Lost Offler!""Heroes wanted."ChartDWhat?"A Casting-couch users guide
to standard leech-letting points?""I don't think I wish to know that!Strange Device,Extraordinary! A reticulated garlic crusher!Eyes'Ah - yes, standard gleaming white eyes.6Probably attached to a standard
black, shaggy monster.AI wonder if it would help if
I sang about my favourite things...?TrapdoorAh - just where I left it! 34 »4Cards#Ho ho and ha - what it is to laugh!Lamp+Useful kind of thing to have in this place.Mouse2Funny - I never knew mice could knock their knees.BogeymanBYes, metaphor or not, we really
must do something about that door.Barrel,"Elderberry wine. Best used before 3.30 PM."Barrel"Counterwise Wine."Barrel*"Bearhugger's Whiskey - 20 percent proof."Barrel'"River Ankh water - 100 percent proof."NI suppose anything that has gone through
so many sets of kidneys must be pure!Door It's the way back to the Shades.BedwAmazing what the home decorator can do with
a few rags, a few scraps of wood and a
couple of hundred parasitic insects!Thief5Well at least someone's getting some kip around here!KeyA golden skeleton key!Bag Ah - a bag of thief's tools!BagAHe must be having a bad time of it.
All this contains is a knife.Knife Ah - dull, yet subtly rusty.Ashes>Hmmm - these ashes are strangely
'Thief' shaped. How very odd!Exit&Ah ha - this leads back to the Shades.oActually, given the nature of the business establishment, one wonders why they haven't
made it more accessible!Lamp:Red? A red light? I wonder if it's
to keep the moths away?Cathouse1What's this then - House of Negotiable Affection?Isn't that nice.WindowWell I never! Lady of
Negotiable Affection Ah - yes, now don't tell me! Lady of
Negotiable Affection(Alright - two colourful local hostesses! Lady of
Negotiable AffectionEep!Exit3Ah - an exit. Always handy just to keep one around!Door0It's the door! The door to the Alchemist's shop.WindowThat was an explosion!Shingle."Thomas Silverfish, Alchemist extraordinaire!" Cobblestone)Loose footing! That's dangerous, that is! Drainpipe/That drainpipe leads into the Alchemist's shop..Maybe it's to let the fumes out, or something.Hole9Hmmm - home to a common house mouse,
if I'm not mistaken.34 Œ8Assassin,Hmmmm - From the Assassin's guild I presume.Chimney Sweep1Got you, you brush-wielding chimney cleaning git!Door5This leads to the alleyway,
if memory serves correct.Fire=That looks a bit hot! Someone should
do something about that! FireplaceRight! The fire's out!Strips!Strange, lots of little pictures!&And there's little holes in the sides!Flask-What's in here then? Look's like cooking oil.FlaskAh - banged corn!SinkHIndoor plumbing! Now who ever said
Ankh-Morpork lacked all the mod-cons! Alchemist6By the cut of his jib, I'd say
the man's an alchemist.0Well - either that or a professional jib-cutter.Box5Look's like a little home
for a very little creature!ImpFunny little blighter!Smoke Cough cough! Dark Figure!A rather... um.. familiar shadow.!Oh heck - I've just walked in it!FuseThat ought to do the trick!Keg of
GunpowderShould make a wicked bang!Bellows2Hmmmm - the world just swims with possibilities... Apparatus*There are some things best left unknown... Apparatus I could watch that for hours.Tower1Yes - that would be the tower in the town square.3I never did like post-dynastic architecture much...WindowExit - stage left!Chimney Chimneys..Aaaah the march of technology is a fine thing!SignAssassin Training Track.0Well I suppose they have to be taught somewhere.LadderLet's keep track of that!Window/This neighbourhood is really going to the dogs!Chimney SweepA git with a broom!BrushGold, eh? Hmmmm?ExitThis way to the town!Door#Hmmmm - what an extraordinary shop! 34 ’Window5Why have all the teddy bears in the window got fangs?CatPuss puss puss!Corner*A handy, lurking sort of corner, that one!Alley*Where do all these flies keep coming from?
FishmongerGAh - a subtle hint of rotting kelp
and lethal bacteria upon the air... This must be the fishmongers.Door(Ah - now this will be the barber's shop!Window)Yes, and - ooh look, he's displaying a...a sort of machine...*A sort of... with clamps and drill bits...Oh dear.Beggar$Nice job that, sitting down all day.Beggar Oh no - what is it this time!Door1Ahhh - this leads back into the wholesome forest.Shelf Hmmm... what do we have here?&"Nanny Ogg's Inheritance Accelerator!"&"Why wait for the rest of their life?"7"Nanny Ogg's Special Corn Remover and Passion Potient."%Must be for those with a foot fetish!!"Nanny Ogg's Patent Lie Remover."!"Removes unsightly untruths . . .-. . . leaving behind just the odd white lie."CauldronOffler's giblets!)Oh no, wait a minute - it's just custard.CauldronHmmm - empty.Herbs9Actually - some of these herbs
seem to be looking back... Nanny Ogg4Don't move suddenly!
She can smell fear a mile away! Nanny OggCDon't look! Just - just keep calm,
and everything's going to be OK.Wool/Good grief. Where is all this wool coming from?HatchI smell lanolin!!I wonder what could be out there! Crystal Ball(Well - more sort of quartz than crystal..And - well - more sort of lumpen, than a ball."Still - does the trick, I suppose.Hatch What an annoying sort of door! Wood Pile Nothing to be scared of here!Mallet=Hmmm... Now why wasn't I given
one of these things all along?SheepWhat a pretty little sheep.SheepWhat a pretty little sheep.BAnd she sure looks like championship
material in that blue ribbon. 34 ‹Exit"I hope this still leads back home!Door Nanny Ogg's house. I presumeSinister Water3Perhaps it's time I sang about my favourite things?Lurking Presence3Perhaps it's time I sang about my favourite things?Eerie Toadstools3Perhaps it's time I sang about my favourite things?Carnivorous Owl3Perhaps it's time I sang about my favourite things?Strangely Attentive Bats3Perhaps it's time I sang about my favourite things? Unknown
Possibly Venomous Spider3Perhaps it's time I sang about my favourite things?Exit(Well - I guess that's the way out, then!.Gad, there's just no fooling a trained wizard!Cart Quite a trim little cart, that!
Bumper Bar.That donkey certainly would need a bumper bar.Sack#Ah yes - the common or garden sack!No flies on me!SackAh - it contains corn. SignboardOzwald's Ostlery/Whatever your ostle, we'll provide for it best.Donkey/I say! This poor beast looks under the weather.TailLuxuriant tail, that!Bumper Sticker "Whinny if you love dragons!"+"Lady Ramkin's Sunnyvale
Dragon Sanctuary." Number Plate.I can't read this -
it's all covered with mud! At least - I hope that's mud... Number Plate
"Sore Ass"Beautiful Butterfly$I think I might be physically ill...Bluebird of Happiness$I think I might be physically ill...Cavorting Goldfish,$I think I might be physically ill...Mister Flower$I think I might be physically ill...Buoyant Little
Mushrooms$I think I might be physically ill...Fresh Sparkling
Water$I think I might be physically ill...ExitYI hope this path still leads back home.
I don't think I'd care to be stuck here for long. Wishing Well I wish I could think of a wish.Barber%Persistent little blighter, isn't he?Exit_Hmmm... that characteristic smell of decomposed
footwear - this must be the route back to town.Door 34 ‚Ã%This room sounds as if it's occupied.Door>At last a vacancy in Ankh-Morpork.
Somebody must have escaped.Window9Not only doors but windows too!
Wonders will never cease!TreePoetic, isn't it? InnkeeperA generic barman!-They must be breeding the blighters in a vat!SailorAaah! A rough sea dog!TattooRThank heavens it's a tattoo! I thought it
looked a bit flashy just for a birthmarkMan$What an odd expression! Very wooden.Dog$A very suspicious looking dog, that!Doorway%It's still the exit to the courtyard!DoorA fine door, that.. Fine, yet almost foreboding...Bogeyman$There's something lurking behind it!ExitWonder what's in here?Bed Smells a bit funny, this bed.SheetWhat's this stain, then?Bedside Tablemmmm... A bit dusty. Jewelry Box+A jewelry box. I wonder if it plays a tune?Letter OpenerAThe old letter opener in the secret
compartment in the box trick.Envelope2What's this for, then - undercover correspondence?Paper/Aha! This looks like the combination to a safe!PictureA picture of a safe?SafeSafe? Not for long, matey!Hammer8Good! Good - I'm, sure I'll
figure out what this is for! City Pass@This should get me out past
those goons who guard the city gate!
Scared Guy Quaking little wretch, isn't he?ExitFLarge... flat... Hmmm - there's a handle
of some sort in the middle...HIt may just be a wild guess, but I'm
willing to bet that this is a door.RulesWhat's this say?T"If using bath, please remember our other patrons
and clean the bathroom after use."l"If using Ankh-Morpork river water,
please remember your next of kin and
leave a will pinned to the door..."Bath)mmmm... It's got that ring of confidence!MirrorWhat a ludicrous painting!
ToiletriesEau de toilet... 34 ȨeI've always felt there was something rather unwholesome
about dabbing one's face with toilet water... Bubble BathJExtra bubbly, with that great lemon-lime
taste tang you've come to love...Soap*Soap on tap. What will they think of next?DoorThis will come in handy! Gaping Hole Good grief!Hay!Still looks like dry grass to me.TreasureVNow there's something you don't see every day.
It must be all the gold in the kingdom! Screwdriver,A screwdriver, just what I've always wanted.DragonKA massive, scaly, city roasting,
all destroying, foul, lumpen, slavering....... yet somehow majestically beautiful dragon.
Cockatrice)Why is that cockatrice crossing the road?7Actually by all accounts this is the last of a species.FeatherA cockatrice feather.Well blow me down!Egg:An egg? Now I'm sure that this
is the last of the species.LuggageBad boy!Ramtops:Lo - behold the majesty of those
tall pointy stone things!Exit0Do I have to leave this wonderful, homely place?Skeleton7Minimal entertainment facilities down here, apparently!Skeleton Ah ha - now this is interesting!Oh. Um - sorry about that. Iron MaidenFYou know, it's rather hard to find a decent
back scratcher these days!CellHello! Who's this? The damned thing's occupied!Hole Looks rather like a mousehole.Sorry to disturb you.Eyes;Eyes? Hmmmm - perhaps we' best
not pursue this any further.Rack#Nice sturdy wood they use in these!Fool)Always a pleasure to see a familiar face!ChuckyOh no...Torture MasterLAh - an Information Retrieval Technician.
ha I suppose it's a job, isn't it? Hot Poker I don't usually use this brand. Do you get it? Use this brand?Exit!What, leave this wonderful place?Path/Ah - the gardens seem to go all the way around.What a novel concept.Door34 ¨GThe front door. Yet another chance
to have something closed in my face.HouseCYes - well, it's alright if you go
for that Pre-Patrician opulence.Knocker Dragon shaped! Well, I'll be.Notice!"Lady Ramkin's
Dragon Sanctuary."#"Brimstone deliveries at the rear."GateZIntertwined dragons. You know, I'm beginning
to pick up a bit of a theme about this place!StatueJWell, I suppose when you're this rich,
garden gnomes are just too passe... Lady Ramkin*I wonder why she has such awful stockings?Path From whence I have just came. Back Door!Ah ha - the tradesman's entrance.Doorstep What will they think of next! Gum BootsCNot quite the height of fashion,
but they do have a certain appeal.Rosette A nice blue ribbon and rosette. Lady Ramkin/That's the second largest woman I've ever seen!Key^Well, I suppose the key's safe in her stocking top.
No one's likely to dive his hand in there.CageHI wonder if wood is really the wisest thing
to make dragon cages out of? Molten PileGood grief - it's sizzling!MamboHmmm - Mambo the sixteenth.Dragon$Nigel Hawthorn Rampshire the eighth.Dragon Tecumpsheh Farrogut the ninth.Dragon+Randolph Bloomington Horrogate the Eleventh Oops! - Make that the tenth...Leash"I hope that leash isn't flammable!Nail0Nothing like that fine Ankh-Morpork workmanship!Exit$I wonder why they call them Ramtops?Temple I like the other exit better!Bridge(A bit... well, rickety, don't you think?Carpet/A red carpet, all rolled out for his reverence!River&My, what a refreshingly long way down! Little DotsOoooh look - little dots!OLittle dots with scales and big long tails.
And fangs. Oh dear... Cor blimey...And fangs. Oh dear...Cor blimey...Monk8It's that monk again! Look's like
he's found a new robe.Exit!Good idea! Let's exit to outside! 34 ˆ@Altar+Ah - yes, well it doesn't look so far away.HatstandA hat and a whip? So that's what happened to him!Bandana-Look's like a little 'Z' monogrammed into it.Temple Restoration
Gauge@"Temple Restoration Fund.
Leave valuables here before entering." I don't like the sound of this.Arrow Grisly...SpearNasty...PitNasty...Hammer
Devious...Trap
Devious...Mace Dastardly...Spikes Dastardly...ArrowsDiabolical...PlungerInteresting... SlingshotDiabolical...Path@Deadly looking pathway, full of
traps, pitfalls and tripwires...Altar I'd rather not see what happens. No way... I can't bear to watch!Darkness
It's dark.I see a big dark nothing.SkeletonNow that has to hurt!/I wondered what happened to those play testers?ExitThis temple sucks.Pedestal%This all seems hauntingly familiar...Eye of Offler[Well if that thing's supposed to be the size of a
pigeon's egg, I'd hate to see the pigeon!Sand.Well, it's either sand, or yet another victim.EntranceCOh well - They told me if I took this job
I'd end up being shafted.Runes("Abandon all hops, ye who enter here..."0"By order of Dwarven Women's temperance league."Barrel0It's nothing like that fine dwarven engineering!cActually - this is nothing like fine dwarven
engineering! Who's responsible for building this junk?Dwarf%Stunty little blighters, aren't they!Dwarven SmithStout feller!Beam(Must remember to duck on the way past...Anvil 34 ˝D I always wanted one of those! Hot Coals Someone's left a potato in here!House1Great Offler's milkteeth! It's a den of iniquity!Hovel-Aaaah! A characteristic hovel. How colourful!Dangerous ShadowAaaah...8No - no, I, I don't really want to investigate that one!5Still just a wee bit on the scary side for my tastes.Malicious ShadowAaaah...5No - no, I don't really want to investigate that one!5Still just a wee bit on the scary side for my tastes.Lurking ShadowAaaah...5No - no, I don't really want to investigate that one!5Still just a wee bit on the scary side for my tastes.Window8I do so enjoy these colourful little suburbs, don't you?Spider*I think there's a moral in this somewhere.'Always fumigate your gutters, probably.MuralHmmmm - a mural!#What's that scorched sort of smell?Mural!This isn't black paint. It's ash! I wonder where that mason went?MasonEThis really doesn't seem the best place
to conduct masonry repairs...TrowelIt's made of gold?Lamp#Blessed thing doesn't seem to work!DoorFLarge... flat... Hmmm - there's a handle
of some sort in the middle...HIt may just be a wild guess, but I'm
willing to bet that this is a door.BathKLast time I saw a ring as big as that,
there were Druids dancing around it!CurtainNClever - we needn't see whoever's in the bath.
Thank Offler for small mercies!Mirror Not a bad little mirror, that.Mirror*Ah - the jumbo size! Love those lampwicks!Dressing TableKEye make-up, rouge, hair cream...
All seems a bit dandified, if you ask me! Hat Stand Yes - definitely a hat stand!Cap I still say my hat's bigger!&Here - why does he rate a golden bell?Fool1It is true what they say about men with big hats!ChuckyNow there's a sight!Why doesn't he float?BubblesExtra frothy!ChuckyI wonder if he's alright?Ashes 34 Ñ*Oh dear. Ashes to ashes, Fool to Chucky...Exit%Don't mind me, chaps - just carry on!DungeonEUm - now I don't quite know if we want
to go poking about down there!DoorA star? He's got hopes!ThroneáActually, if you're going to spend all day in a chair,
I'd think you'd be better off opting for something
with more lower back support. PatricianAh - well, he's a busy man.PeasantStout feller!WitchIt's Nanny Ogg!CookOh - it's him again!Tax collector It's a tax collector alright.
Little Guy%It really doesn't seem to be his day!ThiefA thief? Here?Fool?Just what I needed - ten minutes
in a room with a complete git!Cap That cap bell is made of gold!Chucky'A suspiciously animated jester's staff.Big HoleThis hole is sort of... Smoke Device+Oh, I see! Sort of a draconic calling card.Shop-"Igneous the Troll's All Night Pottery shop?"TrollAaah - therapy in action.Pot Interesting. Clay ThingsKAh. Yes, I'll be able to guess it in a minute.
Don't tell me what they are!Lamp2It's a lamp. Hopefully it will brighten my future. Butterfly5To think, all it takes is a little flap of its wings.LampHA street lamp - a sure sign that civilisation
is ever creeping up on us.Monk0It's a monk of the dreaded crocodile god Offler!#I wonder if he wants to be friends?MonkDA wet, dripping monk.
I wonder if I can muster some crocodile tears.AlleyFlies?CaviarLook at the size of it.ShopThe smell is terrible But the fish don't seem to mind!
FishmongerLWell if times ever get hard,
at least he can masquerade as one of the stock. Swordfish That's a rather unusual fish.Picture 34 p.Hmmm... cute - if you like that sort of thing.Octopus,Hey - actually this is quite a cute Octopus! Well - as far as molluscs go.Ray%I really can't quite handle sea life.BNever cook anything that may have
been nibbling on your relatives.Eel&At least it's sharpened my definition!ExitTo the past...ExitTo the future...Book$That's my life. Still being written.#Here, there's hardly any pages yet!Flock of Books/Well, that's something you don't see every day. Book ShelvesEternal constants?
Hour GlassMI haven't seen anything like this since
I last scoffed a packet of wine gums!
Hour Glass This glass is running backwards
Card Table#I wonder what they're betting with?*Then again - maybe I don't want to know...Death,What a poker face - sort of always grinning!
PestilenceI hope he's not catching.Famine*Look's like a real lean and hungry player.WarBHe's my favourite, and not just because
he has the biggest weapon.Monster=Ah - now don't tell me.
It's purple and has one hundred eyes.Dunnyman&An Effluent redistribution technician.Tooth A gold tooth! Interesting...Bucket1Let's not investigate that too closely, shall we?Sign "Dashing Dan the Effluent King.""I thought all Kings were affluent?Flies?Some of these flies have got
little scarves and flying helmets!MachineGad, it's a.... It's a....What is that thing?FunnelA bit - well - messy.SpigotIck! Rubber Belt A nice strong rubber belt, that!ChickensPoultry power?DunnymanThe Custard King!SpaceIt's dark out here!Rainbow 34 ÑOoooh - pretty!The Edge3I knew this game would drive
me over it eventually.Lamp Handy, that!Fork(Just the ticket, if I had a fishing rod! Coconut TreeoHandy for holding the coconuts up out of reach,
and thus providing me with yet another
little problem to solve.Coconuts6These things always make me feel strangely inadequate.Birds4They're catching all the fish that go over the edge.ParrotStop that bird!Polly#Ha! That taught him a thing or two!Chain of
Handkerchiefs/So I've finally pulled a rabbit out of a hat...Chain of
Handkerchiefs+My life just forever seems to lack dignity.GlintWhat's this? My whistle? DiscworldHome sweet home.ElephantI wonder what they eat?ShellA'Tuin's shell, no doubt.0I wonder if it's a boy turtle, or a girl turtle?CameraMaybe it's a little home.Cable Release+A cable release? I wonder what it releases?????*I can't make head nor tail of these runes.Staff"A staff of tumultuous thermaturgy.
Magic Coil#A spiral of neverfailing induction.Imp+A miniature creature of excitable chitters.Metal container0A container made of the strongest ferrous metal.Dragon BreathDragon's breath! Ulp!No NameThe item with no name. Not in Game1The item whose name isn't appearing in this game!mI've even escaped from the temple of Offler,
from which no other man has returned in
fewer than three pieces!3then open a letter I had hidden
under the mattress,Ablah blah meringue blah
blah blah hot custard bath blah blah blahÄI mean, a twenty percent increase in theft quotas
for the duration of the emergency seems a
reasonable thing to ask, doesn't it?NI don't know what's happened to the world.
Where have all the old values gone?+MY ROBE DIDN'T COME BACK FROM THE CLEANERS,dblah blah blah blah blah blah wild slithering blah
blah blah blah clawing at my blah blah blah blah.kAnd now young twerps like you think they, mm,
can come in here, ravish our women and
steal all our pickles!GWell you can't have it, so be off with you, you
dastardly over cleaner!$Otherwise we'd, mm, all be doing it!@Snatching tapioca out of the
mouths of the deserving elderly...!AI suppose someone hoped that
you really could take it with you...fBe careful if he uses sarcasm on you.
And for heaven's sake run for it if he
resorts to (gulp) irony../Any calculations you need, I'm your giant frog. 34 !à^I mean, a few words of guidance, perhaps, to one
who hopes to follow in your pointy footsteps?/At least, I think that's what they were called.hOr at least, believes in them enough to give us big
rewards if they think we've gotten rid of the thing.`With the device in our hands, we'll be able to track
the creature and trap it like a wildebeest!"We may only halve it, for example.#a spiral of neverfailing induction,+a miniature creature of excitable chitters,4and a container made of the strongest ferrous metal.'As if I can help who supplies my voice."Someone, in short, who is not you.lThink of it - a seaside retreat where
the sea can actually be the one,
total dominating element of the view!0There's only one of these in existence, old son!$Not for all the gold in the kingdom!&Frankly it's making me feel a bit ill.2The Patrician's got the Vote because he's the Man.7But that's all the gold, yeah.
Definitely. Would I lie?And no, you can't.'Dat's der downside of being a bouncer -6you 'ave to wait minutes sometimes for a decent fight.1Standing here wiv nothin' to do, it get so borin'3sometimes I hit me own head just for sunning to do.7I mean, unless someone actually asks you to thump them,!dere's nothing to do except wait.1Yeah. I just...er, begins with T... thump people.1I just thump people wot cause trouble in der bar.Only t'ing is, der boredom.3It almost as if I hear people asking to be thumped!<I might change me job to just thumping
anybody who comes by.)Do you think dat's taking t'ings too far?0Sorry. It one of dem mistaken identity thingies.Is your head all right?,See, when you say dat, I t'ought you say...oit could've meant tuns, T..U..N..S,
a type of barrel or tons T..O..N..S,
in its colloquial usage meaning 'lots'VAnd I survived the valley of the scantily clad
amazingly well-hairstyled Amazon women.@Though by the looks of this place
no one else has ever bothered.@blah blah blah hot custard bath
clawing at my blah blah blah blah.Gfollowers of Offler sacrificial lamb competition,
yes that was the one.AWe only hang pictures of prize winning
animals in here, so we do!:get the letter opener
from the secret compartment beneath,read the note inside,8and use the combination in the note
to open up the safe.8I love to drink wi' wossname,
'cos wossname's me mate...Wblah blah blah wild slithering blah blah
blah blah clawing at your blah blah blah blah.XI mean, it's not like I'm asking for any trouble.
Why don't you all just leave me alone?DDon't think just because I like cats
that I'm some kind of wimpish--)And worthy of considerable contemplation!YI've made a chocolate cake, strawberry pudding and
duck's foot casserole with leaf mould.GThere are no such things as dragons.
They are a physical impossibility.WIt's about this dragon, you see.
He's making the cows dry up and all the curtains fade.IThe dragon's been destroying housing,
so rent just went through the roof!"I'm very good at toes, you know...UYou see, it contains special ingredients that
make it into a very potent love potion.PJust one little sip, and you'll fall in love with
the first person that you see.]The Information Retrieval People came up with that one.
Has rather a nice sort of ring to it. It's just not possible, you see.&It's all a matter of social seniority.)Don't be ridiculous.
Dragons don't exist!REverybody wants those new age fangled thingumies,
you know, crystals and the like.&Look at that decor, all the trimmings.[We're all legendary heroes here, so keep your ears
open and you might learn a thing or two!_Incidentally, on a point of detail, we only
root and shoot. We never toot. Well, hardly ever.XDon't go to the desert, though.
It'll get termites, and then you'll have
a holy destiny.*Had to struggle a bit for that one, sorry. 34 /ƒ]Tell you what, I'll halve the price. Two shillings and
it's yours. I'm cuttin' me own throat!%Personal application only, of course.mI have sworn myself to the Quest, and may give myself
in marriage only to the man who can equal me in combat!g- which unfortunately includes wolf-whistles,
lingering looks, and even passing
thoughts of attraction.:-- I really don't want to hear any more
jokes about birds.aOther girls get to debauch with barbarians,
and all I get is two-way conversations
with the Gods.They're all too shy.l...then under article five of the warrior-maiden
of Mothra's code, I'd have to chop you up
into little bits.âYou can't tell me that being a lovable fantasy street
stereotype in anyway prepares you for understanding
the vagaries of symbolic logic.=You can only learn the secret if you
prove that you're a man.R...particularly in the light of these new 'mayhem and
justifiable carnage' bylaws.AIt's all guaranteed! Lose weight in one year,
or your money back.BWell look - seein' as how you're a friend,
I'll do you a discount.!I'm cuttin' me own throat, but...%Could cut down on grocery bills, sir!(I've got wart treatments, rheumatismy...-Here's a potion guaranteed to cure blindness!!He may beat me in combat anytime.jSomething to demand sympathy, otherwise
heartless people like me are just
going to keep on passing you by.@I mean, a beggar, by definition,
has to be pitiable, doesn't he?4Fresh? One of them just made a pass at my wife, sir!You should try some caviar! No...er...begins with a W....;Why, it wouldn't dare inconvenience
a Black Monk of Offler!*The ray over there keeps trying to escape.9How on earth does it think it
can survive up on dry land. Can I interest you in our toys?IBrothers of evil, walking arm in arm across
the rooftops of the world.... Here chook chook chook chook! Mene, mene tekel upharsin...:Look, give me a note so I can arrange
for him to meet you.)Just sit down and examine z'ese inkblots.Ah v'at about this v'un?@You have to have a black moustache
if you're going to be a hero!GI stuffed them down my front. My agent thought
it would be a good idea.NMy agent Otto thought it up. He's says it'll be
worth a lot of money one day. So you v'ant to play a hero, ya?Here, try this!0Komm back v'en you've practised.
Now off you go.V'ith feeling!NEXT!%My octo-cellulose has been perfected!-Tell you what - I'll have to say it in mime.!Think of it - pictures that move!BWe just run the strip through a box
filled with gears and springs.We've got protection!#There's rules, Jimmy! Unionisation!)You can't come up here without a license!YIt's for the Clickies. We need a novelty food for
people to eat while watching the shows.>I find the one person who seems to
be reluctant to talk to me,.I buy them a drink and they tell me something!Then here's the tale about the time when I was
shipwrecked on the isle of the scantily clad
rather-well-manicured Amazon women!How can I repay you? Long hours and no real holidays.CI thought you were a grown monster!
Whatever would your mother say? All part of a basic education.<You have to start small and
kind of work up to human beings.HAnyway, I can find you a few if you like,
and you can try scaring those.]A representation of my inner belief
that I am not yet ready to face
a possibly hostile world.?Made random chance seem a bit more random
than anyone supposed.PYou see, not only does it provide a screen
between myself and the outside world,kbut it is also a portal - an openable space -
implying the possibility of future
liberation from my phobia. Then there's the kid, Carrot.-- almost as if someone's bin swallowing them! 34 <å4OhgoodnessmenoIneverheardofany
suchthinginallmylife!IJust because I'm not doing anything important
doesn't mean I'm loitering!PYeah - gotta watch for them invertebrates.
Some criminals just have no backbone.cYou have the right not to remain silent but to say
"Aargh aargh aargh please no not do that again."VHas your aunt got one? Have you ever asked?
How often do you write to her these days?/That's illegal that is, leaving without a pass!*Or else they shall force me to kill again!/Each of them must - must own a golden artifact. He shall lead you to the others.Finally I am free!=Now it is time to wreak my revenge
upon this miserable world!Dragon fancier, are you?JThey're quite loveable. Are you a member of
the dragon protection society?aMy dear woman, there's a dragon out there that is bent
on burning this whole city to the ground!)It's usually the owner's fault, you know.4Well, dragons have taken up most of my time, really.DI've never really got the hang of..
you know... boys and everything.7Poor little mite - he was one of my best breeders, too!2It makes it less heart-wrenching to lose one then. You see, I've got a problem... Big problems, little problems...'Sing songs, make exquisite cups of tea, generally listen to men talk,.walk up and down their spines in wooden shoes, act decorous at all times...?just like them foreign ladies on
the Counterweight Continent...<Superficial judgments based on
preconceived stereotypes, eh?GJust because we are independent ladies
making our own way in the world!,And you standing there with a dress on, too!#You want a street starfish, mister. Good grief!mmmm... My word! mmmmMmm-mm!Better than my granny's!\It's pretty hard to do, though.
My cat Greebo keeps playing with the wool,
the little scamp.JBe careful if you go near him...
he's not very happy about men in dresses.:"Blindingly painful mutilations to
the discerning gentry".That's me, sir!My hands are shaking.ZThey're made from a special Klatchian squid dye
that adheres to your skin for a day or so.EIt's (blah blah blah spoons blah blah blah swordfish blah blah blah).Right?0The yellow bird whistles as the blue moon rises.Right?/With this bowl, we do consecrate, and so forth!Accept now these...+... as we consign the potion to the flames!#Boil and burn, blaze and bubble...!SThen I thought it was my destiny to win the men's
overland saxophone championships!;I finally know that it is my destiny
to rule Ankh-Morpork!"0And it started at the bottom in the first place.JBUT, I THOUGHT, THERE HE IS, AND I'M
HAPPENING TO BE PASSING... YOU KNOW. IT'S A KIND OF OUT-REACH POLICY.I'LL SEE YOU LATER.^I'M PUTTING MYSELF OUT JUST FOR YOU WHEN THERE ARE
THOUSANDS OF OTHER THINGS I COULD BE DOING.)DO I SEE ANY GRATITUDE?
I DON'T THINK SO!8They could breed, and then you'll never
get rid of them. Want me to kill him for you?!DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF.lYou're here to collect my soul, thus ending the quest
and demonstrating the futility of all human endeavour?UBUT I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL YOUR DAY...&You're all here waiting for something![Why, the creature's nothing but a lizard with big
ideas. Just a scaly, bloated, cowardly--2I mean, I am a hero. Heroes win.
Well-known fact.34 G(fWhy don't you push off and bother another city,
thank you very much, no hard feelings, case dismissed?I've had enough of you!*Can't you leave a monster in peace to eat?(Eat hot smoking death, reptillian trash!THE HORSE THREW A SHOE, I HAD TO SEE ABOUT A SHIPWRECK,MY SCYTHE WENT BLUNT, THERE WAS A TERRIBLE EARTHQUAKE,THE MAP GOT LOST,THERE WAS A SUDDEN PLAGUE,IT'S... NOT... MY... FAULT! Magnificent! Now get out there and slay them!RIt's hard keeping your mind on something
when it's all spinning round and around!" Now they've got me on therapy!Ö"Then try the Assassins Guild witness relocation plan.
We will relocate any witness to the bottom
of the river Ankh within the hour!":I tell a lie, the NINE sacred names
of the forbidden dawn!oOr will you too be cast aside into the great big nasty
pit, where there shall be a wailing and a gnash of teethHand if you haven't got teeth then
teeth will be provided, oh yes indeed.fPoor old Reginald Lampwick Ponchinbury the third.
He just up and exploded with excitement at the time. Pity really.I talk to your god.Respect, I say. Get your sausages in a bun here!Get your doughnuts here! Get your dragon detectors here.!Get your programs here!@Well, the first thing your potential hero
must do is look right.(Can't have shoddy looking heroes can we?)Open the gate Carrot and let him through.7Well, it's just that...
well, blood's so hard to shift!/I mean - no need to rush into anything risky... ...and shut the door behind you!with...A...and six more that everyone involved
would rather forget about.('Magic Chants For Dragon Slaying Heroes'I'll just sneak a look...*- wildebeest baked in a poodle's-eye sauce*- newt's liver pate with pickles and cream-- ex-senior wrangler legs in garlic butter...6'Prunes, finest quality: Extra-dark old bowel-buster.' Forbidding. Whatever."This is easily told by her costume- the set of her sword,1- the characteristic goblin-leather accoutrements- the firm musculature...FA clinical, objective examination is quite
within the parameters of...MYou know, I'm ever so grateful that
I took that course in object recognition!$The city's built on loam, you see...0And it started at the bottom in the first place.And a lovely gold buckle4...followers of Offler sacrificial lamb competition.Yes that was the one. My cup just runneth over....(I must remember it for future reference.No fooling this wizard!9I've taken an advance course
in lamp recognition, I have!0Um, look, let's not go into this too deeply, OK?&Can't say as I approve of modern toys..Oh dear, I think I'm going to be rather ill...YThe Patrician lives there. Down in the cellars
other people don't live for quite so long."Vague""Troll's Weekly" 34 PÑ"Hovel Beautiful""Popular Siege Engineering")"Face magazine", special banshee edition?"Back order forms for "O" magazine?Q"Mental disorders; a Psychiatrickerist's
guide to standard leech-letting points."?Hmm, looks like a good year...
even if it is 10 years from now!1She must be some sort of colourful local hostess!Well I never! Good grief. What is going on?=It doesn't really seem the sort of
place for passing trade....the distinctive, nay melodious hum of flies...BIt's full of some sort of vile, yellow,
blasphemous, five-sided...$The descriptions give me cavities...6It looks like it's been made
by a catapulted elephant!'Quite a chirpy little chap, aren't you! ...and the edges need trimming!-Maybe this isn't the best time to bother him?4...well - dragon shaped, now you come to mention it!&Must be the quantum weather butterfly.!Probably against its will though. Must be Klatchian sturgeon roe. Am I close?&Technically I suppose it is a broom...6"Featherwinkle's Concise Compendium of Dragon's Lairs"B"detect dragons from a comfortable distance
or your money back..."Safe for whom?%Shame I can't think of any right now.Or maybe it's just soiled.Another one for my coffin.Hmmmm... Hey, there's something inside!DHow will I ever clean the luggage out?
It just hates to take a bath.That one's tricky.Ah, now that's an easy one. Dunno, what do you think Carrot?Tricky, very tricky.Now let me see.(Give me a moment to reflect on that one.Easy as wosname!0Funny thing, but I
just happen to know that one.&Carrot, you're the expert on that one.No doubt about it.#Now you mention it, I do know that.`After taking into account the
expected number of butterflies
flapping their wings at the time...(Hmmm, that would have to
be 50,000 to 1.#I reckon that would
be 75,000 to 1.I'd say it's 100,000 to 1.'I would reckon it's
about 125,000 to 1.It's 150,000 to 1.)Hmmm, that would have to
be 175,000 to 1. That one must be 200,000 to 1.$I reckon that would
be 225,000 to 1.It's 250,000 to 1.'I would reckon it's
about 275,000 to 1.Hmmm, I'd say 300,000 to 1.)Hmmm, that would have to
be 325,000 to 1.Hmmm, I'd say 350,000 to 1.$I reckon that would
be 375,000 to 1.I'd say it's 400,000 to 1.)Hmmm, that would have to
be 425,000 to 1.'I would reckon it's
about 450,000 to 1.Hmmm, I'd say 475,000 to 1.I'd say it's 500,000 to 1.*Now, that one just has to
be 525,000 to 1. 34 ]4$I reckon that would
be 550,000 to 1.It's 575,000 to 1.I'd say it's 600,000 to 1. That one must be
625,000 to 1. Hmmm, I'd say it's
650,000 to 1.)Hmmm, that would have to
be 675,000 to 1.'I would reckon it's
about 700,000 to 1.*Now, that one just has to
be 725,000 to 1.I'd say it's 750,000 to 1.*Now, that one just has to
be 775,000 to 1.$I reckon that would be 800,000 to 1./Now, that one just has to be
It's 825,000 to 1.Hmmm, I'd say 850,000 to 1. That one must be 875,000 to 1.I'd say it's 900,000 to 1.*Now, that one just has to
be 925,000 to 1.'I would reckon it's
about 950,000 to 1.I'd say it's 975,000 to 1. Hmmm, I'd say 1,025,000 to 1. That one must be
1,050,000 to 1.)I would reckon it's
about 1,075,000 to 1.+Hmmm, that would have to be
1,100,000 to 1. That one must be 1,150,000 to 1.Ah, now you're talking!3The odds against that
are exactly a 1,000,000 to 1. But then again it may just work!Woof. rMay I draw your attention to the picture
of the award winning pig from the Ankh-Morpork
pork butcher's guild ball?ƒYes that certainly is something, but what about that
picture of the special merit medallion winning
cockatrice from the wildlife preservation society's
award ceremony for recently extinct species!
Clear off!
Clear off!NO!GO AWAY!We're not listening!Hail!Hail!#In a second-hand set of dimensions./In an astral plane that was never meant to fly.FSomewhere in darkest Ankh-Morpork,
a sinister plot is about to unfold.kGreat A'Tuin is referred to as an it,
as opposed to an he or a she, simply
because its sex is undetermined.JA magical accident in the library turned
the Librarian into an orang-utan.!The chest is in fact the luggage.ÑCounterwise wine is made from grapes belonging
to that class of flora - reannuals - that grow
only in excessively high magic fields.™The Patrician can be sort of thought of as the
semi-benevolent dictator of Ankh-Morpork,
administering not so much a reign of terror,
but more an occasional light shower.øOne of the remarkable innovations introduced
by the Patrician was to make the Thieve's Guild
responsible for theft, with annual budgets, forward
planning, and above all, rigid job protection.TWizards have the honour (albeit a dubious one)
of being claimed personally by Death.¿In an environment where stray magic floats around,
somebody who does the sensible thing and not look
behind them, could wake up in the morning with
webbed feet and a distinct liking for flies!FL-space is the distortion of space
caused by big collections of books.{The Shades is an area where
curiosity not only kills the cat,
but ties lead weights to its feet
and throws it in the river!It works like this.bBisected by the river Ankh,
the city of Ankh-Morpork
is the oldest existing
city on the Discworld.jIt is really two cities; proud Ankh,
Turnwise of the river, and pestilent
Morpork on the Widdershins side,NIt is said that all
roads lead to Ankh-Morpork,
but this is in fact incorrect.3I'll see you again next week.
For my usual special. 'aye, watch where you're going.See you soon.Get off!Leave me alone!<Damnation! If you don't clear out,
so help me, I'll, I'll...Oh, just bugger off.Hmmph, that's better.?It's on nights like this that I
could just murder a good curry. 34 iX Aaahhhhh. Hands up. Who's there?,Hands. Would you mind
putting your hands up.Why? Woz happening?LIt's a simple courtesy.
I say 'put your hands up'
and you put your hands up.What did you say?"I haven't got all night, you know.Hold on to your wossnames.Just do it. Alright. Okay, okay.WI don't know what
this town is coming to.
A man can't even have a
quiet drink in peace. Now that wasn't too hard was it?Now if you'll just... Oh bugger.... òHe has since resisted all efforts to turn him back,
much preferring the handy long arms, the prehensile
toes and the right to scratch himself in public.íThe luggage is made of sapient pearwood, and once
it attaches itself to somebody, it will follow
that person everywhere, just like a little puppy.HIt is like a runaway suitcase, albeit
one with lots of little pink legs!In this game, the luggage is a convenient
storage device, not to mention a convenient
homicidal maniac, should one be required!_Normal plants grow after the seeds have been
planted - with reannuals it's the other way round.nAlthough reannual wine causes inebriation
in the normal way, the ensuing hangover
is thrust backwards in time.CHence the saying: have a hair of
the dog that is going to bite you.õThus, in return for an average level of
crime per annum, the thieves themselves
saw to it that unauthorised crime was
met with the full force of Injustice,-which was generally a stick with nails in it!@Not only that, but wizards can
actually see and talk with Death.EDespite rumours to the contrary,
he is not a cheery dinner companion.qJust picture some of those old
second-hand book shops, which
look like they were designed
by Escher on a bad day.èThey invariably have more staircases
than storeys, and rows of shelves
that end in little doors which are
surely too small for humans to enter.AThis distortion of space has a
similar inevitable effect on time.`Therefore - according to the
kind of logical thinking that
characterises the Ankh-Morpork mind -vYou can go into a shop and
order an artistic temperment
with a tendency to introspection
and a side order of hysteria.TWhat you actually get is hit on
the head with a selection of
different size mallets,8The truth is that all roads
lead away from Ankh-Morpork.ZIt's traditional, a well
established ritual of your actual
mugger and victim relationship, Now PLEASE put your hands up. That's enough, I'm off.Hey, leave that alone!/I guess he doesn't feel
like talking right now.#You're a liar,
that's what you are!My hands are full.!I don't think that's a good idea. Good idea. I'll bear it in mind. I'm not talking to him any more!)Ah! The old sword in the swordfish trick!#Ah! The old sword in the bed trick! I'll hang on to this myself!I'm not carrying that!I've acquired a new skill!#Ooh, it's covered in soapy bubbles!I'd best leave him be.I can't reach it.2That's a little better,
but I still can't read it.The sack is in the way.)I wouldn't dare change
the nice symmetry.Been there, done that!'I can't get it,
not while he's looking.(I can't get it,
not while she's looking.It's not quite long enough.34 sLI already have some.2That's a little better,
but I still can't read it.#Ooh, it's covered in soapy bubbles!)I shouldn't interrupt while he's talking.!Hmmm, must be a B-cup sized lamp. There's a hair roller in there.That door's locked.!And I know where the key is kept!,Can you get me a tankard of elderberry wine? Well, give me my drink then.I'll need my money first. I'll wear this around my neck.I won't lose it.A glass of milk please.It's stuck to the bench.Could I buy one of these? You'll need money to buy that.Certainly sir.Leave that alone!2You'll need money if you
want to buy a drink here.Certainly sir. Leave that hair roller alone!Get away from that!Ooh, what are you doing?Get out of my pocket! Oooh, blah, blah, blah, oooh...Leave that alone.Leave the imp alone.Leave the camera alone.:The Hogfather is now considered to be a kind old gentleman:Children leave out a glass of wine
and a pork pie for him.SThey decorate their houses
with an oak tree in a pot and
strings of paper sausages.3However, this is a modern
version of a darker myth.IThe original Hogfather spends the
year in his secret palace of pig bones,}Children who have been bad
get a bag full of bloody bones
(it's these little details that
tell you it's a tale for children).NThere is a song about him
which includes the line:
"You'd better watch out..."Unseen University.OThe home of the greatest
wizards on the Discworld,
and one or two of the worst.Now, listen carefully.%With all these rumours of a dragon...IBut Sir, dragons don't exist,
at least not unless
people believe in them. Quite. Quite. Never-the-less.|With all these rumours of a dragon
on the rampage, the wizards of
Unseen University must fulfill
their civic responsibility.,We must seek out this dragon and destroy it.Yes.. but how, who...LLeave the 'how' up to me.
As for the 'who', well
I know of the ideal person.,Why don't you go and fetch Rincewind for me?Dragon!Dragon!Dragon!Dragon!Dragon!Dragon!I know - it's your wife!My wife is not fat! Here, this tankard is empty!%Have you got the elderberry wine yet?Next! RincewindLuggageêPhrenology, as everyone knows, is a way
of reading someone's character, aptitude
and abilities by examining the bumps
and hollows on their head.qit should be possible to mould
someone's character by giving
them carefully graded bumps
in all the right places.Xbut it creates employment and
keeps the money in circulation,
and that's the main thing.Palthough the pestilence is quite democratic
and in fact covers most of the city. 34 v¨<you being the victim and me being
the aforementioned mugger.ëdrawn by four tusked wild boars
to deliver presents of sausages,
black puddings, pork scratchings and ham
to all the children who have been good.
Clear off!NO!GO AWAY!We're not listening! Load a GameSave this GameStart a new GameGame SettingsGame Controls Quit PlayingResume Playing Load Game Save Game Restart GameDouble Click SpeedSwap Mouse ButtonsTest Music VolumeSound Effects Volume Voice VolumeSubtitle Speed SubtitlesJoystick Game Paused Quit GameEnglishAmericanFrenchItalianSpanishGermanSound Control SubtitlesDisplay SubtitlesHebrew Say no more!It's a funny old world.5I want to be the first person in a game to say #$%&*. Magic CursorMenuAct 1Act 2Act 3Act 4 Inventory(All items added to Rincewinds inventory.Ok Broken DrumDrumBarn34 z\Livery StableParkInnStreetShadesSquareHide-out Ankh-MorporkWoods Dark WoodEdge of WorldGorgeMineIsland2blah blah meringue blah blah blah hot custard bath!blah, blah, blah, oh my, oh my...Potionfwith whiskers and boots
who arrives, to the sound of hog bells,
with a sack of toys on Hogswatchnight.Press Any Key to Start.Press F1 for Menu.qto deliver presents of sausages,
black puddings, pork scratchings and ham
to all the children who have been good.jemerging on Hogswatchnight to gallop
from house to house on a crude sledge
drawn by four tusked wild boarsMaster VolumePress Option Key for Menu.Press Any Button to Start.(Press Both Buttons or Button 3 for Menu.@. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .A.................................................................A... .... .... .... ...... .... .... .... ......... .... .... ....Press Select for Menu. 34 z§ 34 zÏ 34 {4 34 {| 34 {ƒ 34 | 34 |T 34 |ú 34 |‰ 34 }, 34 }t 34 }º 34 ~ 34
